Feel surrounded by controlling people :(

[Hopingforpeace]

A tough day – feel like I’m surrounded by controlling people, trying to pressure and manipulate me. I’ve taken a stand and stood up for myself which hasn’t been well received but i need to be free to be me. I need to be accepted for who I am and my choices respected. I can’t take feeling trapped or pressured by my family and my ex anymore.

[Iwantmeback]

Well done. You should be proud of yourself💜💜
IWMB 💕💕

[Hopingforpeace]

Thank you. I know I’m still going to get some sort of backlash but think I’m prepared for it. I recently realised how my family relationships aren’t healthy for me. I needed to accept them for how they are no matter that it’s upsetting and give up on the hope that they will ever be any different as I know they won’t be. Too much has gone on and we are different people with different mindsets. With my ex who continues to try and manipulate through our child and my family trying to preassure me to do things they want, I have been feeling trapped and it’: horrible.

[fizzylem]

Good for you – I can relate; it will be ok. It’s a really healthy place to be when you can accept you are not responsible for these people or these relationships anymore. The good news if you can love and be loved by the friends you choose now – and love freely. Standing in your truth will always serve you well xx

[Hopingforpeace]

Fizzylem thank you, that’s really helpful, I didn’t think about it like that, about not being responsible for them. I find it hard to get my head round the fact that they think that what they want I want and if I don’t theres something wrong with me. In response to my standing up for myself and saying what I want my parent said ‘I need to think about what you’ve said but my immediate reaction is of deep concern for you’ .

[fizzylem]

Remember, these people think they know us well, when they dont really know us at all; and they have learnt which buttons to press to tip us off balance / exploit our vulnerabilties – lead us to questioning am I wrong to be feeling this here; one word – ignore!

It’s maybe about trying to pin point a person’s motives when you have time and feel able and if you are interested, does this person seem to only have my best interests at heart when what I do also suits them? But does this change when it doesnt suit them? Does he/she always try to steer me into his/her way of thinking as this benefits him/her in some way? Or is this person being completely selfless here and showing me they only have my best interests at heart? xx

[Hopingforpeace]

Hi fizzylem, yes I have thought about the persons motives like you said when I was coming to my decision on what to do. Those kind of questions you’ve put, Ive asked myself and this person is fine when I agree and do what suits them or what they think is the right thing to do. But if I don’t want to do the same thing or think something should be done differently to what they think then they won’t accept that. It’s like they can’t see that someone else maybe be right or may have a different choice. It’s like they think they are right no matter what and it has to be done their way or all will go wrong. So then they push and push and get nasty saying horrible things to try to get me to agree with them and do what they say. They say it’s because they are deeply concerned for me that they get so worked up as they think their way is the right way and I must do that therwise things will not be good for me etc etc

[fizzylem]

So they either try and railroad you or derail you huh. I cant be doing with these kind of folk , too much hard work batting them away – they are basically trampling over your boundaries and not considering you or how you think and feel. It sucks when people dress up what they’re doing is for your best interests, for love or its because I care when this is not entirely the full truth of it – its manipulative and an attempt at control hey.

The way I see it is you’ve got three choices here, you either call them out, agree and do nothing/carry on your own way regardless or walkaway and distance yourself.

I just about have some kind of functioning relationship with my mother, but I keep her at arms length and I dont do anything I dont want to do. Although, another one I have nothing to do with at all, my sister in law, as she is too manipulative and causes too much trouble, if I am in her world then what I do will at some point be used against me and she will try and paint herself as the victim to my other family members – when we did socilse she was always trying get one over on me and make me look a fool, or she’d literally be like a big cat and the things she said were like squirts, declarations this is my territory now, it was horrid and also really tiring for a long time, she hogged the floor time and there was no space left for anyone else, it was always about her, the (her name) show I used to call it, the only way I can deal with her is to have nothing to do with her despite who she is and how my bro feels, as this stops her from inventing another drama and causing anymore stress and pain for the family with each new drama, now days everyone just accepts we dont have anything to do with one another and we all get on with it. Its rubbish but hey, sometimes we’ve just got to draw a line with some people; just because they are family does not give them the right or special allowances to treat you badly xx

[Hopingforpeace]

I have tried doing nothing and just tried to go along with things to keep the peace at times but I have stopped doing that as its me who ends up hurting. ive tried calling them up on it, ive tried carrying on regardless and now ive stood up for myself, ive set my boundaries over the latest thing, said I don’t know if they will ever understand but please can they respect my choice. i feel so much better now ive done this. i will keep setting my boundaries going forward as and when i need to. They aren’t in my life that much anyway, only at certain times which are led by them but i set my boundaries around those to sometimes and trying to do so more now.

Good on you for cutting the relationship with your sister in law and for managing a difficult relationship with your mother. I don’t have a functioning relationship with my mother. i made a choice some time ago now to limit contact between us, i had to as it was getting too much, what she said to me was awful and i just thought i cant do this anymore, its not healthy and i don’t have to put up with this. She has been emotionally abusive to me since i was a child but i didnt realise this til i left my ex and realised what they had both been like. All nice when everything to her liking and how she wants and says but if not then she can be very nasty. i think i always had hope that we could have a normal relationship but realised that that is never going to happen. i tried so hard to maintain a functioning relationship with her but i just couldn’t do it anymore. The only contact we have is for her to maintain contact with my child. this is via skype occasionally as my mother doesn’t live nearby, she lives miles away.

[fizzylem]

The relationship you have with your mother sounds so v similar to mine; I’m just in the process of moving and this will put miles inbetween us, I can not wait, it wil mean it is less obvious, less visible.

I dont think you will regret your move here, I think its really important to stand up for yourself, sounds like you have tried so you can walk away knowing it was never you.

I aim to only surround myself with genuine, supportive, caring, fun folk in my new life; have a handful of friends I’ll stay in touch with as well; but honestly, after dealing with such dysfunction and abuse for most of my life – I really just want some peace and quiet, some solitude!

I think in time I will let folk in again, I do love being with people, when it’s easy company hey. Funny because the friends I have now, none of them have ever trampled my boundaries, we have a mutual respect for one another so boundary issues never come up. Think if I feel someone is taking the mic or if I feel railroaded, these days I simply dont engage and walk on, I’m polite yes but saying hi is as far it goes – I feel ok about this now; for years I tried to be friends with everyone I met, no more, it was tiring and unforfilling, I ended up doing allsorts of stuff I didnt want to do because I couldnt say no. Never again.

Feels good to stand up for yourself hey, yes there’s some sadness, but that’s because you’ve let it go and this is needed. You do know this feels so very right for you though dont you! You deserve to be seen and treasure for who you are x

[Hopingforpeace]

I am really glad to hear that you will soon be miles away from your Mother, that will help you im sure. It is really helpful to me to speak to someone else who is in a similar situation, thank you.

I know what you mean about making friends, I used to try and make friends with everyone and to fit in but now in the years since I have left my ex and started pushing back with my family, I don’t. Im more this is me, accept me for who I am or don’t. I cant be someone I am not. I choose who I maintain friendships with and I distance myself/set boundaries with those im not so sure of.

I feel better today and stronger and know ive done the right thing and I know I need to keep setting my boundaries and not be pressured into things im not comfortable with. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for not doing things but I do for a bit still sometimes. Guess its a hard habit to break. We both deserve to be treasured for who we are. Keep going Fizzylem, you are doing amazing.

[fizzylem]

Thanks. PM me anytime you feel; keep going, you are def going in the right direction x

[Hopingforpeace]

Thank you fizzylem. PM me anytime too x

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