Feel trapped

[Lost lady]

I have been with my husband for (detail removed by Moderator) years, spent the first (detail removed by Moderator) trying to ‘fix him’ and make him happy. Eventually i stopped loving him and gradually distanced myself from him, only acting normal for the sake of the kids ((detail removed by Moderator)). Over the time of our marriage he has constantly chatted to other women online and (detail removed by Moderator) years ago i got a message from (detail removed by Moderator) saying he had been sending inappropriate messages. I have tried to stay together for the kids, started going to a ladies gym and walking with friends but he hates this. So his latest (detail removed by Moderator) he has been messaging (detail removed by Moderator). It was a mutual thing but somehow ended. I asked him to leave and he said i have to stay with him until the kids have left home. I’m struggling being in the same house. I have worked full time throughout our marriage and he has worked part time on and off, he doesn’t seem to be able to hold a job down for much more than a year. I have been to a solicitor and been told i have to give him half of everything and potentially spousal maintenance. He has always said he will fight me for custody of the kids (I suffer anxiety so he said he will use my mental health).
I just feel trapped. He is a very angry person, not violent (he was in the first few years but now its more criticism and insults to me and the boys – despite this the boys do love their dad, which i understand it took me over 20 years to accept he is what he is)
He said we will make it work but i can’t live like this anymore…. i just don’t know what to do

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Lost lady

It took you 20 years to accept who he was! That sounds awful for you lovely.

If I were you I would be tempted to go back to the solicitor and say that he is using threats to trap you, exactly as you have described here. I mean, yes, you’ll have to split any property/money, but I’m sure you will be able to come to some arrangement as you have been living there so long under his threats, especially viscious given that he wants to blame your mental health as reason for him forcing your children off you. Thats classic abuse, and your solicitor could build a strong case against him on those grounds. It may be best to deal with the abuse, before any legal separation, as findings of abuse, will make him homeless with no grounds for redress for him.

Basically, dig a bit deeper, and if not with this solicitor, then another that will understand this and explain it to you better than you can understand it, which means they know what they’re doing!

warmest wishes

ts

[Lost lady]

Thank you for your reply Twisted Sister
Yes (detail removed by moderator), but i moved in with him (detail removed by moderator) after meeting him and knew things were wrong, i just felt sorry for him and thought if i loved him enough things would improve
I was a bit emotional at the solicitors and she did say to me she was giving me worst case secenario and has told me to get myself a bit calmer before i do anything and to journal things he says and does. She did say she has seen many women over the years in similar situations and the ones who have left have been worse off financially but at peace
I would not want him to be homeless but he does have a single brother who lives alone (detail removed by moderator) where he could live
I am trying to get my head together, hoping anti depressants calm me down so i can try to make a plan
Thanks again xx

[Twisted Sister]

you are so welcome, and I hope you can find the answers you need.

When push comes to shove, be careful, he’s been violent, don’t risk yourself by underestimating him. You sound as though you have put yourself through a lot to accommodate him, far too much, so you have come to a place of just doing that. Its when you stop the accommodating and he then escalates back to his former behaviour, and you currently are living under threats.

Please do investigate further with a solicitor, in the light of the realities of his behaviour, that actually what he’s doing is criminal, and he can face charges for that, nevermind getting you paying his maintenance!

When you feel up to it, perhaps call Rights of Women, who can give you free expert advice in this field of domestic abuse/violence, they will fully set out your options for protection from him.

Journaling sounds perfect for building a picture of your daily life. Also, a lot of what you experience is likely to go under the radar, as all of this will have been normalised for you after years of living this way.

Do keep writing as you need, and I hope you can find a way forward.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lost lady]

Thanks again
My main concern is the kids, i don’t really want to go down the route of accusing him of abuse etc
I feel as if i’ve made a mess of the kids upbringing as it is, I thought i was protecting them by staying but I just can’t see a way of doing things without hurting them any more
I will get more advice, thank you so much
xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lost lady

I feel as if i’ve made a mess of the kids upbringing as it is, I thought i was protecting them by staying but I just can’t see a way of doing things without hurting them any more

You and the rest of us, believe me! I know how scary it is, as do we all, to tell anyone what he’s been doing, take your time, and all the advice and gradually you will find yourself in the right place for you to do what you need.

Please hang onto the fact that this is his abuse on you all, and we all feel that guilt of staying, but as we all know, leaving is complex, the most complex of situations to extricate yourself from, and there’s very much guilt also around leaving, and as you say, thinking that its best not to break up the family for the children’s benefit. This is also most of us, if not all. It comes hard realising the harm he’s done. That is also all his fault, his guilt. Be under no illusions, that this is his abuses against all of you, and they’re never going to come out and just say how abusive they are, and how they deliberately manipulate you and the children, using guilt/emotional blackmail, and threats, and all the other tools against you to get you to fall in line.

You’ve been through so much across the years, take your time, and all the advice, and let it sink it whilst you ponder your decisions and your way to go. Keep reading the posts here, and posting all you need until you have all you need.

Every strength to you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

I feel my situation was similar and I had PTSD for so many years, I was in an absolute state. BUT when things did start moving there was hope, he moved out and then I did not see him and that was a healing experience but he was extreme during the divorce and it’s taken me years to recover. There were moments where I felt free and that was enough. I knew everything would change and it did. For me I just wanted him as far away from me as possible and with no contact. He is abusing me through the courts atm but I have changed.
I wish you the best of luck,
take care
x*x

[Lost lady]

Thank you for your response BeGood. I am sorry you have been through similar
He isn’t violent , just manipulative and has a vicious tongue
My post was a bit of a waffle yesterday, just been feeling so confused
I have tried to split before but he always persuades me otherwise
Hoping i can find the strength to do something
Thank you again xx

[Marmalade]

Hi Lost Lady, Welcome to the forum
Sounds like you need some practical advice on your situation.
Firstly he can’t force you to stay in the marriage until your sons leave home. You have the right to start divorce proceedings and sort out finances and children. If he becomes abusive because of the divorce proceedings then your solicitor can advise you on your options about living in the house prior to sale and whether his behaviour would be sufficient for any orders against him.
I saw your post before it was moderated so yes after a marriage of that length you would be looking at a 50/50 split of all assets/pension/house. If you work and he does not, then again you may well be looking at a spousal maintenance order for him. There does not sound anything particularly wrong with the advice you have been given.
As far as your children are concerned I saw their ages before it was moderated. At their ages the court is likely to follow their views and not impose anything on them against their wishes. If it went to court, the court welfare officer would speak to your sons and ascertain their wishes. It sounds as though the children love you both and want to see you both, so hopefully some arrangement can be agreed between you whether that be shared custody or sole custody with contact. If he is unreasonable then your solicitor can advise you on your next steps with regards to a child arrangement order.
Best of luck.

[Lost lady]

Thank you for your reply Marmalade
Yes i think the solictor’s advice was correct. It seems unfair when he never holds a job down but that’s life i suppose.
I wouldn’t ever want anything other than shared custody but am fearful he will try for custody
Just trying to dig deep at the moment and find the strength to break free

[Eggshells]

Hi Lost Lady

There may be other options available such as a clean break but whichever way you do it, he could end up walking away with your hard earned cash if custody is 50/50.

Sadly, most women walk away financially worse off from an abuser but the pay back in terms of freedom and a care free life can make it worth it.

It depends what constitutes a life well lived. That is different for everyone.

Don’t rush into anything. Take some time to work out what quality of life means for you. No-one has a perfect life but if you are clear about what you want from life and then pursue it, the good bits will outweigh the bad bits.

[Lost lady]

Thank you. Yes I think happiness and peace is more important than the money
I am trying to take a step back and get myself in a better headspace and hoping the increased anti depressants make me feel a bit better

[nbumblebee]

Hey lostlady am right here with you Ive been with mine well over 2 decades and still now wont accept the a word. Im also staying for my kids who are almost fully grown i too feel like ive ruined their lives i will never ever forgive myself for staying and putting them through what I have.
I too have been put on anti depressants but am finding this hard to accept and keep on refusing them which isnt helping me at all I go from being ok level headed to going batshit crazy and not knowing where I am or what im doing.
Ive never seen a solicitor nor have i ever thought about leaving. I think its incredable of you for doing this amd a huge brave step as others have said i think you need to dig deeper with this dont stop taking those steps no matter how big or small as long as you are taking those steps towards the life ypu so deserve. Staying for as long as we have its hard to see a way out I get that completly but I think the more you learn the more you arm yourself the more you talk and not allow things to fester and grow the stronger you will become. Take the time remember this is your life and you are allowed to take it at whatever pace you feel is right for you just dont stop, breath rest take it all in then take another step.
Stay safe xxxxxx

[Lost lady]

Thank you. So sorry you are in the same situation.
I have increased my antidepressants and it has calmed me down. I’ve been to see the nurse today and she was really understanding, it feels quite strange talking about it after years of hiding it… but she believed me
She has said that if i stay in the toxic situation i will never get any better and anti-depressants just mask the problem.
I am so scared, ashamed and lost
Sending love xx

[nbumblebee]

Well done you for being so brave reaching out is so hard. You have nothing to be ashamed about and everything to feel proud about you are surviving in a horrific environment that nobody should ever have to go through be proud of the fact you have asked for help takes so much courage.
Keep talking now keep learning and keep moving foward there is a way and you will find it xxxxxx

[Lost lady]

Thank you so much. Just hoping i can find the strength to get out xx

[nbumblebee]

Yeah I know that one
You will when you are ready it will just happen that strength will take over and you will be free. Never ever lost that hope x*x

[Lost lady]

Yes we have to hold on to that hope, we deserve better and know we do.
This is the closest i have ever come to freedom, at least i’ve started talking about it and getting advice
We can do this somehow x*x

[nbumblebee]

Somehow thats the thing isnt it. How??
Keep safe keep strong sweetie you got this. X

[Mellow]

Hi I hope you don’t mind me saying this you have worked so very hard for someone who dosent appreciate it but you have to ask yourself is the house and money worth it you could start again your never too old to be happy

[Camel]

Hi Lost Lady

I’d be inclined to seek out a new solicitor. Your solicitor should represent you and your interests and giving you ‘worse case scenario’ is really not helpful. I am not a legal expert in any way whatsoever but I do like to do research. Here’s some stuff I found…

Spousal support is only awarded in very specific circumstances. And being unwilling to work isn’t one of them. Ability to pay is taken into account. It’s generally awarded if there’s a significant difference in income.

Ultimate Guide to Spousal Maintenance

I was surprised to find out that courts no longer deal with ‘custody’ of children as part of divorce proceedings. Instead it’s hoped that parents will work things out themselves. If that’s not possible you will need to go through a legal process.
https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order

Sole custody is only ever granted if it can be legally proven that the other parent is unfit. Being anxious and depressed isn’t evidence of being unfit. However, these are not simply empty threats, they are evidence of control and coercion, and it won’t look good for anyone using these tactics in a court of law.

Regarding the house, you may need to get a court order to force the sale. It’s complicated…

Who Gets the House in a Divorce with Children?

[Lost lady]

Thank you Camel, that advice is very helpful
I have booked in to see a different solicitor next week xx

[Author]

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