Feeling 5 steps forward then 10 steps back.

[starryeyed]

I’m struggling a bit at the moment and really want to get in touch with him. I have changed my contact details now but I have kept email open as the one, final way he can contact me. I don’t know why I am struggling to cut him off – still hoping he can change, still feel like it has been a bad dream. (detail removed by Moderator) ago he sent me a lengthy email which was horrid to read – called me a coward, lied to him continually, had no respect for him, that I chose to leave .etc. but at the end he said he would always love me and he does want me back. I thought maybe I was over thinking how much I miss him and how much I love him but today the feelings have come back – overreacting, I made it up, can’t stop thinking about the good things. I feel so low and keep thinking about self harming even though I haven’t done that for years and years – but the only reason I haven’t before was because I was with him, and if he saw the marks then how would I explain myself, and now my reason not to has gone. I just feel so numb and I can’t cry even though I feel like I want to sometimes. I am anxious about tomorrow as I am seeing the police.

I saw a friend this weekend, and I’m really thankful I could see her and I was really looking forward to it. We decided to go for a few drinks and I thought that would be okay but I don’t think I am ready to go out. She met a guy and spent a lot of time with him and I was left on my own. Two men at separate points came up to me and tried it on and I had to keep telling them I wasn’t interested. It was horrible as one of them kept mentioning sex and had a packet of condoms on him and then when I said there was no way I was having sex with him, he told me I didn’t know that. I had to physically move myself away from him. The other man kept putting his arm around me and followed me around despite my asking him not to. I felt I had to give them both reasons to leave me alone and I hate that – why should I have to explain myself to strangers? I felt really triggered by them, they both didn’t listen to me and all I could think of was my ex/partner doing the same and then weirdly started missing him. I felt so alone and like everyone could tell how vulnerable I am and feel. I feel really dirty.

A few of my friends are asking me to go back to the place I had to leave and see them – one even wanted me to go next week. I do not feel comfortable but I don’t think they understand, say it will be fine and I will be with them. I don’t want him to know I am there, what if he or someone he knows sees me or I see them? Maybe I am overreacting and paranoid but I don’t feel good about it. But I don’t want to upset my friends and it is hard to explain to them, even though they know what happened. One of my friends said that I need to see it as just a breakup and not think about the abuse part and move on. I told her I am trying but it is really difficult. I feel incredibly isolated. Some friends and family are getting frustrated at me, I think they think that now I have left I should be better and sorted out…but I don’t feel better.

I feel like I have nothing in my life. I keep thinking about suicide, just thoughts and no intentions. I cannot see my future. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know how to move on. I love him and I fear him. I can hear his voice in my head, everything reminds me of him. The whole situation doesn’t feel real.

[starryeyed]

I’m starting to feel like I am going to need to put a braver face on for friends and family very soon. I also feel like I can’t really talk about it anymore. A friend told me she can’t speak to me about it anymore because I don’t take the advice and that she only thinks I am doing Clare’s Law to be able to get back with him if nothing shows up.

[Good samaritan]

Your thoughts sound very similar to mine. I’m also at the point with my family that because I’m no longer with him I’ll be all fine now. I wish it was that simple. I left the email open but I highly doubt my ex will contact me now as he has no feelings for me and I don’t think he ever did. The novelty at the beginning with all the lovey dovey stuff was just an act. The real him was the monster that tried to steel my phone because he realised his own lies would land him in trouble with the law. As for the other woman she’s welcome to him and deserves all she gets she was warned about his behaviour. I know own it’s easier said than done but perhaps a distraction by way of new groups to socialise with ie the library is usually a good source of community events such as coffee mornings and things. My mood is up and down so much atm it’s a real battle to come to terms. Hugs x

[starryeyed]

Thank you for replying GoodSamaritan ♡ I wish it was that easy too. It feels like another worry now, with friends and family, one I hadn’t prepared for. It feels impossible to explain and they say I need to do stuff to distract myself which does make sense. But it is always in my mind, he is always there, it is hard to concentrate. I really need to find work too, started applying so I do have things to do and gwt on with but truth be told I am really nervous about it because sometimes I find eye contact reallt hard now. I am doubtful he will contact me again too but not totally sure as he has said this before. Thank you for your suggestion with new groups – my local Women’s Aid said I could come to their drop in but I am really nervous to go and also feel like I have made it up, doesn’t feel real and what if I am abusive actually? And the cold calculating person he thinks I am, what if I am and I am just acting and putting in this mask everyday? I should start Freedom Programme soon. I was thinking of finding exercise classes but a bit worried about money (having spent more than I should when visiting a friend). I feel like I’ve got some kind of social anxiety now and I never felt like this before. I was always eager to try new things.

Sending you loads of hugs ♡

[Anabela]

Hi Dear.i know how you feel. I understand the missing part. He went to jail for me and I still miss him and love him. But you do know you deserve so much better. Its like removing a tumour out of your body. The surgery is painful. Healing from it is painful. But then you start feeling better. That’s hoe I try to tell myself and sometimes it works.
You cant just cut your feelings off. You are human. And i do get that feeling too that now i am supposed to feel fine straight away it is a good idea to put a brave face in front of people who cannot understand and it is true not many can. To avoid ruining your mood and your healing. I hope you can find at least one frienf who can understand that you are not okay straight away xx

[Author]

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