feeling a bit hopeless

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

Can any of you relate to the following feelings:

beating yourself up for having ignored early ‘warning signs’, for not having listened to your gut telling you “be careful”, for not taking your inner urge to leave more serious, for excusing his behaviour too many times, for thinking it’s you, for wondering if you’re not good enough, for forgiving him too many times, for not reporting things (rape in my case) straight away, for not wanting to admit to yourself that you’re in an abusive and exploitative relationship, for feeling ashamed to admit to your friends and family that you’re not really happy, for keeping up appearances, for not keeping the honour to yourself and for not respecting yourself more and even wondering if he maybe is right when he tells you “you’re too sensitive” and thinking you’re making too much out of it?

I’m going through some difficult emotions lately and even if I would like to report to the police, I’m afraid I’ve waited too long and that it will be pointless (plus no witnesses or evidence).

Has any of you got experience with reporting rape by a partner after the relationship ended?

It just never occurred to me to do it earlier. Mainly because despite knowing that what happened was really wrong and left me feeling extremely bad, I struggled labeling it ‘rape’ (I thought that was something for strangers in dark alleyway’s). But also because I had already invested quite a bit of time and emotions into the relationship and hoped he would change.

[KIP.]

All of the above. Including being told I was too sensitive or it was just a joke. There is no time limit for reporting sexual offences. I reported the rapes after my ex was arrested for assault. Glad I did it. It can be used if he does it to other women and I felt like I held him accountable.

[Anonymous]

Hi KIP,

Were you still in a relationship with him when you reported him? After you had reported him and gotten him arrested for assault? Then I can understand that the police believed you and lifted him from his bed again.

I’m afraid the police won’t believe me, as my ex doesn’t come across as someone who could do such a thing. He’s very much appreciated in the community (and county) and always very kind to everyone. Plus he’s a really hard worker and people respect him for the way he runs his business.

And who am I then? A; a foreigner, B; someone who didn’t think of reporting earlier, C; someone who – despite packing her bags several times – didn’t leave when she had to and even begged and cried in the hope that he would change his attitude and that things could be saved…

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Gardengirl,

I can definitely relate to all of those feelings, you describe them really well. I still feel sort of ashamed that I ended up with an abuser, like I don’t measure up somehow to women who are with non-abusive men. My ex totally conned and duped me so I genuinely thought he was this great guy and how lucky I was, while there were red flags the whole time.

We have to remember though that they brainwashed, confused, gaslighted, hypnotised and mesmerised us so that we wouldn’t realise we were being abused. It’s really not very obvious until it becomes physically violent by which time our lives are in danger. on top of that, society struggles to understand emotional abuse and often tells women to ‘give him a chance’ and ‘don’t be so fussy’ and ‘relationships are hard work and require forgiveness and compromise’ etc so it’s no wonder we stick around blaming ourselves.

Have you had any counselling?

I didn’t have the same experience of rape as you but I did report my ex for harassment and abuse. The police like to see evidence although with rape I’m not sure how they go about this especially if it’s historic. It is probably worth ringing 101 to discuss it with them, you could also try one of the sexual assault helplines for advice plus the domestic abuse helpline to get some advice on reporting it.

[Anonymous]

Hi SunshineRainflower,

That’s what I told myself too; “relationships are hard work and require forgiveness and compromise”. Which I also think is true to a certain extend, but with my ex, it went way beyond what is healthy. Little to nothing was left of me at some point and at the end, I couldn’t even think straight anymore in arguments and properly express myself.

I’m just so afraid that that’s what the police will say; “you should have been more confident, firmer, clearer… it wouldn’t have happened then”.

As he’s very kind to everyone and very much respected in the community and county (also for the way he runs his business). I’m afraid that the police will say; “but he’s such a nice guy, how could you not have prevented this? he seems totally reasonable and considerate, not someone who would disrespect a woman’s wishes, it must have been you, as his new girlfriend doesn’t seem to have any problems with him, perhaps you don’t have enough self-confidence?”.

[Ayanna]

I was in the same boat.
Someone helped me to report the rapes (detail removed by Moderator)
I was video interviewed by Sapphire.
He still got away.
The only positive thing about it was that they arrested him after the video interview for a night and charged him. But the case never made it to court.
I had no support to go through this.
The thought that he got arrested of what must have seemed for him to be an out of the blue situation is satisfying for me. He lived lazing around in our old flat and the police turned up and took him away in hand cuffs in a police car. Marvellous. The neighbourhood watched it for sure. Great. Unfortunately the judge found a video interview was not enough evidence and I was suicidal at the time.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ayanna,

Thanks for your reply.

Was the fact that you were suicidal part of the reason the case didn’t make it to Court?

If your story wasn’t evidence enough, then how do such cases ever end up in Court? As it’s always one person’s word against the other, right? Even if they would find traces of sperm, that still doesn’t prove rape.

[Tiffany]

Gardengirl, I mostly wanted to tell you that I love your user name. But I can also relate to everything you have said except the bits about rape, which I was lucky enough to escape. Sadly all the rest is pretty common to victims of abuse. It’s why we amazing intelligent women stay. Gaslighting is a scary scary thing. And people don’t want to know it could happen to anyone. Everyone thinks that of course they would leave at the first red flag, but we don’t. We just like to believe it because otherwise dating it too terrifying to contemplate.

[KIP.]

Just wanted to say that corroborative evidence is very important. So if more than one woman comes forward and says they were raped by the same man. This can be enough evidence to proceed to court. That’s why I would encourage every rape victim to report the crime. I would never force anyone to go through it because it is difficult but I got immense satisfaction out of him being dragged from his bed, handcuffed and kept in a cell (twice). Although the thought of his retribution at the time was horrifying. A few years on I can see him for the pathetic coward he is. Now his nasty little secret is out, he’s not the big man he thought he was. (detail removed by Moderator)

[Anonymous]

Hi KIP,

Isn’t that quite rare, for the Police to go out and handcuff someone and put them in a cell for a day or night? They wouldn’t do that if it’s just one woman reporting rape, right?

Did you report your abuser whilst you were still in a relationship with him or afterwards? And could you prove anything? Or was he already known with the police?

[Ayanna]

At least the exes got arrested KIP!
Initially I was very disappointed that he did not have to appear in court.
But just thinking of the situation how they arrested him and took him away gives me some satisfaction.
There is a record of the sexual abuse with the police now. If he ever gets reported again he will be in trouble.
He has to be careful now. I can only hope that this protects other potential victims.

Yes, Gardengirl, it was due to my mental state at the time that I was unable to attend court. I had no support, nobody to advise me and go through that with me. I had so many court hearings as well at that time and they were all terrible. It was just too much. I do not understand why they could not consider me and deal with that at a slower pace and allow me to find some help with Rape Crisis first. I had the suspicion that they did not want to prosecute him and used my situation to get him out of that. He had a bunch of lawyers who worked hard for him.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ayanna,

The reason I asked is because I’m in quite a bit of a mess too now and talking to a therapist.

Did you have proof of the rape? As that’s something I worry about too. A; the rape happened some time ago by now and B; I can’t prove anything.

[KIP.]

Hey Gardengirl, it’s not your job to prove anything. That’s what the police do. I reported historical rapes and fairly recent rapes soon after his arrest and while he had bail conditions. I had no proof. My ex had a very well respected job in the (detail removed by Moderator) world and yes I was believed. These abusers may fool us but the police (detail removed by Moderator) saw right though his lies. Just do what you feel able to do. I had great support from women’s aid, victim support, rape crisis and councelling. You can report at a later date when you feel stronger. Maybe write it all down in a journal for that day x

[Author]

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