Feeling a bit low

[True2myself]

Ever just lay and your mind ticks and ya can’t switch off. I’m thinking how can a human hurt another. Especially when they promise to love and protect. Even without that. Just why! Does anyone know what I mean by “feeling abused”. I feel it tonight and can’t get a grip of my emotions. I had to report him again today and I guess it’s playing on my mind.

[Muddyboots]

yeah I totally know what you mean. that deep confusion, because the conflict between what he says and what he does is overwhelming. I never realised that being confused could hurt so much. like almost physically hurt.

I think it’s cos we are holding two mutually exclusive beliefs in our hearts at the same time, and it’s like they are fighting inside us, and our sanity is the collateral damage.
1) We believe they love us.
2) We believe that people who love us won’t hurt us and will be kind.

And we spend hours doing mental gymnastics to try and make those things both true, but it’s not possible.

For me, the only way to stop the hurt was to decide that he doesn’t love me. At the time that in itself was an excrutiating idea to allow into my head. but it was also kind of a relief. Finally stuff started to make sense. Now when he says he loves me, that hurts, because I want to believe him but I just don’t. But that hurt and sadness is 1000 times better than the swirling feeling of confusion.

I read somewhere (might have been here or in a wise book), that the way to stop them from f*****g with your head is to see the affection/kindness/declarations of love and change as part of the abuse. They are saying the things they need to say to control you. Every time I start to get sucked back in, I remind myself it’s a script it’s not sincere. It hurts but it helps.

I found Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft amazing for helping me to get my head straight, plus, it might help you get to sleep if you start reading it…

Sorry for the ramble, but hopefully will make you feel a bit less alone…xx

[True2myself]

Thank you, it makes sense yeah. I have no contact with him for few days. He was doing OK but then the fake slipped and the abuse continued. I hate the abuse feeling. It’s like I want to wash it off but it’s not going away.

[Muddyboots]

Big virtual hugs. How are you feeling now?

[True2myself]

Aw thank you. I’m OK, fed up of his self pity though. He’s detached from being a parent cos he’s sad. I told him I never wanna see him again and next day he asked me a favour. What planet do these ppl live on. I said no then got like of emotional abuse. It’s so up and down. Sometimes I’m OK and sometimes I have to call helplines. I wish court case would hurry up.

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