Feeling all alone in the world

[Alone]

I’m working really hard to plant the seeds of change, to overcome everything. Which is obviously a good thing, but also feels like a betrayal, as my mum died for me have the opportunity to do these things. I haven’t yet worked out a way to make peace with that for myself.

I had my final counselling appointment, where I discussed some of the behaviours I criticise myself for, and that I now recognise them as necessary coping mechanisms. For instance, my mind goes blank often, when I try to think about or discuss topics related to abuse or my family, and now I understand that it was an important part of being able to survive in that environment. I’ve also noticed that when I’m struggling in that way, my vocabulary becomes more basic, and that makes sense in a few ways – one is that I am literally forcing words out when my mind is against me talking, and second is that my family often criticised me for using ‘big’ words. It’s only when I’m feeling okay and have relatively clear thinking that they slip back into my natural conversation. I’ve only met one other person who has said they went through similar. Another coping mechanism is one I think most can identify with – the constant hypervigilance (as the counsellor called it, I called it overthinking lol) and trying to spot the unspoken signs that trouble is about to start. I still do that, and I think that’s part of what has messed up my friendships in the past, that I am constantly watching for rejection or danger. I am now trying to change those thought patterns, for instance there are two people in my life currently who know the truth of my home situation. Most just know that I recently lost my mum and am struggling with that, but only two know there was more to the relationship. One of them I literally just told it was an abusive relationship and no further details, but the other caught me at a moment where I needed to let it out and got a lot of details, and it actually proved to be very helpful to share, as this person has been in a similar situation and really understood. For the first time ever, it felt like a relief to share. It didn’t feel like I had to hold anything back, I felt safe.

I find myself constantly looking for the signs of rejection, for signs that people are sick of me, but now I try to counter argue with myself, step away from a conversation or text message, and read it again a bit later. It’s exhausting to constantly argue with myself, but the counsellor said that the more I share all of this, the easier it will get, and will stop me getting caught up in cycles of beating myself up.

We also discussed that I should talk to the people I trust about these things, and allow them the understanding of my processes, in the hopes that they will be patient with me. I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid, but I am already sensing rejection with these people, but trying to step back and focus on what I am trying to achieve for myself, rather than how others are taking it! The counsellor agreed that I am definitely putting in the hard work and that I am ready to start overcoming everything I’ve been through. I think I’m making a good start on recognising the abuse patterns, and I feel the counsellor is 100% right that talking is definitely what works for me, every time I have a realisation I start to criticise it, until I share it and elaborate on it.

My mind is starting to go blank, so beginning to struggle with words again! Argh, I hate it when this happens! I guess I wrote here today to start sharing, and hopefully get some feedback or hear some other’s experiences on the bits that I’ve shared. I’m feeling all alone in my life, I haven’t heard from the people I’ve mentioned in a space of time that concerns me, and I didn’t want that to stop progress. I haven’t had a chance to talk to them about the bits the counsellor suggested sharing with them, and I don’t want to be pushy by putting it all in a long text message, or by constantly calling, when I don’t know what people have going on in their lives. I’m trying to wait patiently for people to get back in touch with me, but find other outlets as well, so that I don’t end up relying on anyone other than myself. I’m also struggling with boundaries, which I’m sure many can relate to – become very blurred or non existent when you’re living in an abusive situation! I’m putting pressure on myself to get this all right, but I’m struggling to do that without talking, as I’ve never had healthy boundaries in place, and it’s hard to start implementing those, without a little feedback from others.

I hope I’m making sense, it got really difficult to keep writing towards the end!

Apologies!

xx

[SaharaD]

Hi Alone

I’ve been following your story for a while now. I am just going to state my suggestions and opinions. You may or you may not agree with what I’m saying.

Although you have completed your counselling, I do not think that your counselling was fully appropriate for your situation.

I also think that you are working too hard and putting too much pressure on yourself to be “normal”.

I think your focus should be on dealing with the bereavement and the abuse not on building relationships such as friendships etc.

I also think that you should be spending the time on loving yourself, looking after yourself, self-care, building your self esteem, self confidence and assertiveness. So that you can feel comfortable being alone and have no fear of loneliness.

I still think that you need to seek out specialized bereavement and abuse counselling which is face to face in a room and/or bereavement and familial abuse support groups and forums.

Your situation is complex and unique and although sharing with individuals you trust might seem like a logical think to do, in my experience it is too much for one individual to handle unless they are trained. I suggest keeping your current friendships and family relationships quite light-hearted without getting into the painfulness of the bereavement and the abuse. The safest place to discuss this pain and let it out in with a appropriate counsellor or support group.

Don’t assume or expect to feel better straight away. I’m over two years out and I still struggle and have bad days and I have had specialised DV counselling and support groups.

I think it is Serenity or KIP who said extreme self care. That’s what I think you should be doing now. Wrap yourself up in cotton wool and mother your inner child. Or rather in your case learn to mother your inner child. Do all those things for yourself that your mother could not. It’s not a betrayal; it’s an acceptance that she couldn’t simply provide what you needed and often many parents can’t do this for their children.

There are some great books and journals out there to help you do this. This way once you build yourself up no one can tear you down ever again. Not friends, not family, not employers and not romantic partners. You just let them sail in and out of your life without devastation.

You may want to pick up mindfulness and meditation as a way of calming your mind from the overthinking and/or hypervigilance.

Take Care

[Alone]

Hi Sahara,
thanks for your reply. I think that there’s been a slight misunderstanding with some of the points I was making, but that’s fine. I know it’s difficult for me to be clear when writing things that get me thinking or emotional.

I wouldn’t call the counselling complete, as it was only two sessions, so only focused on dealing with the initial feelings of anxiety. I remember saying in another post that I was unhappy with this, as it was touching on the symptom, not the problem, but it was helpful to learn these tools and use them to help with panic attacks whilst looking for more suitable support. I have been looking into support groups, but haven’t yet spotted one I can get to. I was given advice on how to find out about local groups, which I will do when I have time off work.

I’ve been without friends for more than a year now, and got in the habit of rejecting invitations etc, so am working on not being afraid to accept invitations, or even issue them myself and get out a bit. I think it’s very unhealthy to continue to live in isolation, and in fact I find it makes it difficult to make some of the changes I want, as I am so out of practice with dealing with people on a non-work level. I can handle customers with ease, but if alone with someone in the staff room, I need to stop being afraid of what could happen and just relax and have a chat. I can’t focus only on my bereavement and the abuse, I need to start having something in my life outside of that.

I hope I’ve made sense, I’m not feeling too great today. It was my mum’s birthday recently, and I found it made everything fresh. Last night I sat beside her bed, just staring at it until 1:30am. Now I’m just sitting around until I have to leave for work. I wish I had someone I could call, just for a general chat, to get me out of my own head. My jobs are so easy that they don’t require much thought, and so don’t provide me with a distraction!

Take care.
x

[Author]

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