19th February 2016 at 12:30 pm #9941Doglover99Participant
Ok, it’s Day 4 after leaving now and I’m feeling all emotional still. My husband has sent me a couple of emails saying how much he loves me, how could I just leave like that without giving him a chance to sort things out. He wants to talk, he wants to get outside help for sort our marriage out. He says it wasn’t just him with my son, that he doesn’t hate him and he was trying to protect me (?).
He is devastated. He says he doesn’t now know what to do with his life without me. I did write back to him to explain it was more to do with him and my son, how things just didn’t get better although I hoped that they would, and that in the end I had no choice, it was either potentially lose my son forever or go with him. I don’t think he will understand because he is not used to putting other people first. He thinks I hate him which I actually don’t. I couldn’t hate him or anyone else for that matter no matter what they’ve done.
He says I should have said something last year and we could have tried counselling together, all 3 of us, to sort things out. That is what I thought then but I was advised against it. Was it the right thing to do? Should I have tried to make things better rather than just give up? Maybe it would have worked early last year when my son may have still wanted to try and repair their relationship but it certainly wouldn’t have been an options months later when their relations were so bad I couldn’t leave them together on their own. And then there is the speaking to other people badly about my son behind my back. That is what he REALLY thinks and feels about my son despite how much he keeps telling me that he doesn’t hate him. I did say that we wouldn’t be in this situation if only he had been kinder to him.
I just feel so bad but I think it’s mainly because of the way I had to do it rather than the fact that I’ve left him. It didn’t feel right then when I was planning it and it still doesn’t feel right now. I did explain to him that we had to leave the way we did because he has a bad temper and I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. He is so hurt and that is killing me. I hate hurting people. I know it was wrong of me to do it like this but did I really have any choice? And worst of all I miss my dog! He says he’s not sure if he can keep him.
I had to go into town yesterday and I felt so jumpy whilst I was there and kept looking around constantly. I returned to work today and felt the same. The postman dropped the post through the door and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I half expect his car to turn up on the drive because he knows where I work. I’ve locked the door so nobody can get in. I didn’t expect to feel this scared. What am I scared of? Facing him mainly I think, rather than him actually hurting me physically. I don’t want to see him and his pain, I feel bad enough already without facing him.
I have had to deal with the practicalities like stopping my utility contracts etc. When he receives those letters he will probably be livid. This is so horrible. I hate this. The only place I feel ok’sh at the moment is in the flat where I can lock the door.
I feel like such a bad person, hurting people intentionally. The tears are close and no doubt I will be bawling my eyes out tonight. Why does it feel so bad?
A strange thing as well, I would like to wear my rings but my finger has swollen and I can’t get them on. I never had that problem before but I just can’t get them on at the moment.
God it’s been a horrible week!
19th February 2016 at 2:21 pm #9942AyannaParticipant
Hi, I do not know the details of your situation, but as much as I got to know, I think you need to stop blaming yourself.
All of us try for a long time, by far too long to get on with the abusers. You will be the same.
I am sure you gave him every chance in the world.
My abuser also said that he wanted to protect me. He said I would be unable to survive on my own.
Of course is he devastated. What a blow to his ego!
His self inflated sense of superiority was diminished so unexpectedly.
This is how they all are. It is impossible to talk to them sensibly whilst we are with them.
When they lose us is the only time they offer to listen.
But this does not come out of a genuine feeling of regret. It is their wounded ego, that has lost control and cannot accept that their victim got wings and a mind of their own.
Do something nice for yourself. Go to the cinema, distract yourself and rip him out of your mind. x*x
19th February 2016 at 3:13 pm #9946
Hi Dog Lover,
I think Ayanna is right in that you need to consider that his desperation is due to a whack to his ego and a loss of control.
Would a man you can trust inflict such pain and turmoil as he has done?
Write down all the horrid things he did. Though painful, this will help clarify your mind.
You are bound to feel loss too. You are in no way a bad person x
19th February 2016 at 3:52 pm #9950SilkyHalideParticipant
He will keep trying to blame you. He will keep pouring his grief onto you.
You can’t grieve together he has to learn that and if he isn’t getting it you need to prevent him doing it.
He’ll keep asking you to explain to help him understand then get angry with you for your explainations or use them to try and convince you they are not valid.
If you look back I’m sure you will see when you’ve already given him chances and excuses over and over.
Your doing great and you’ve come a long way.
Please don’t doubt yourself and when you do keep talking on here and read the books people on here recommend and phone WA helpline.
19th February 2016 at 8:15 pm #9965
Yes, you are fighting for your survival.
You wouldn’t need to go to such extremes in a healthy relationship.
19th February 2016 at 8:17 pm #9966
Silky Halide- you and so many women here are so wise x
19th February 2016 at 9:26 pm #9972SilkyHalideParticipant
Only because we are living it too and have felt exactly like you do. For me only a very short time ahead of where you are now and even now you will have wisdom for the ladies a few weeks behind you in this healing/recovery.
19th February 2016 at 11:45 pm #9986Confused123Participant
Hey Hun sending u massive hug , u have nothing to feel guilty about , cause u had to leave the way u did , he would of never let u go or thrown u on streets , who cares if he cries now , I have been following your story I know how wrongly he has treated u , how he has left u feeling despair over way he treated your son , he caused this and now u finally left his gutted cause he thought he could treat u like c**p and U’d never leave . U r at weaning stage yet , wean yourself if him by avoiding contact . I say he was trying to protect u ? By ignoring u , by making u feel
Uncomfortable , by making your son life so unbearable he couldn’t even be in house , how was that protecting u . My ex too said why didn’t u tell me u felt like that , well we did or for some of us how could we speak up when they were constantly cross , I’m
Sorry but he messed up and u not going bk , it feels like u have waited a year for this place , enjoy your new peace , u will be jumpy at first , I was same thus gets better in time and no need to feel bad about changing utilities it had to be done . Your not bad person so don’t feel bad , as for your fingers get that checked out by dr .
22nd February 2016 at 10:02 am #10194Doglover99Participant
Hello. What a horrible week that was. Last night all the emotions came out again and I cried my heart out alone in the flat. The worst of it was that I was missing my dog so badly. My husband has sent me another email, very late at night and obviously very drunk judging from the spelling mistakes. He has been ripped apart, he is begging me to sort things out, that people have got over worse than this. He says he might move out of the area if we can’t sort things out because knowing I’m nearby would destroy him. I feel so terrible hearing all that. I haven’t responded and I won’t. Strangely though he hasn’t mentioned my son or how he could sort their relationship out, or even asked how he is.
A friend came over yesterday and reminded me of some things I’d forgotten about. She said I changed during the course of our relationship, how she couldn’t feel comfortable when she came to visit, it felt like his house rather than our house. She also reminded me about a comment I made right in the beginning. I was puzzled by the way he spoke to his own kids and I do vaguely remember that. I think he shouted at them to behave or else, that type of thing, and it was the first time I met them. I had obviously been puzzled enough by that to mention it to my friend. That should have been a big clue for me.
My son has been happier, calmer, more relaxed and has been able to have friends over. However, he still won’t go to school. He stayed at a friend’s house last night even though I told him to come home. He refused to tell me at whose house he was and wouldn’t take my calls. I called his dad in desperation and told him that we’d moved out so that my son could be happier but that he’s still doing the same stuff as before, i.e. staying out at friends’ houses rather than come home. He’d promised me he would return to school today so maybe that’s why he didn’t want to come back last night, he knew I would demand he go back to school this morning. Maybe I just have to accept that he won’t go back to school, he will get no qualifications and will need to do his exams later. The school won’t be happy though, I know that.
I am depressed and anxious. I think I’m anxious about my son’s schooling, the chance of bumping into my husband and checking my emails in case there’s an email from him. He hasn’t tried to call or text so he must have been given some advice about that. And I think I’m depressed because of the trauma of leaving, the upheaval and nastiness of it all. I am grieving, it feels like someone has died and I miss my dog so much it hurts. The flat is still half empty, still no appliances but I should get a fridge tomorrow which will help.
I am seriously worried about money. The housing benefit luckily got sorted out super quickly so that’s in place. I’ve had to buy essential items though so my bank balance is almost at zero already and still weeks to go before I get paid again.
My family know now and my mum has been really upset, mainly because she wants to help and can’t. I’m not ready to talk to her yet, I’m too fragile. I had no idea it would be this bad, I had kept calm and acted normal for so long, now it’s all coming out and it’s really hard. I know I just have to go through it but it is hard, very hard.
I even thought was it really that bad, have I made a big mistake. I do need to write things down, I know that will clear the doubt but I’m scared at how upsetting it will be seeing it all in black and white.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
22nd February 2016 at 11:20 am #10196mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi there Doglover – just wanted to pop in and chat – sorry you are struggling with your emotions so much – its a very tough time – all of a sudden you are on your own and having to cope with everything by yourself – normal daily tasks have to be done – and doing the basics can be hard.
I was at me msms the first two weeks so that was a big help as she saw to cooking washing etc, while I saw to everything else – and I took two weeks off work before I was ready to think about thsy.
It’s a huge upheaval in your life and it will take time – you are in shock still – I know I was – you made the decision to leave – but nonetheless it is still a might shock – actually DOING IT!!!!!
Love and big cuddle to you,
22nd February 2016 at 10:31 pm #10234DuckParticipant
I’m going through a separation at the moment too, so can only share the advice others are giving me.
My ex is contacting me a lot and I’ve noticed that it focuses all on him, which is what your husband seems to be doing. It focuses the issue onto their pain and not what they’ve done to cause pain. You can’t turn all emotions off, but you need to stop feeling guilty about what he says. He may well be verbalising it to you because he has no one else to tell.
I think writing down all the bad things will help and then you can refer back to them. A therapist suggested writing down the ‘reality’ vs the ‘fantasy’ of having been in the relationship and it makes things clearer.
22nd February 2016 at 11:34 pm #10240DaisyParticipant
Keep going doglover99, it’s early days and will get better, I promise,
I hope your son can realise that he needs to settle back to school just as you are back in work, hopefully he can realise that he has got to do what he can too for you both to get settled.
And sending you a big hug as I understand how upsetting it is for you because you were unable to take your dog to your new home,
From someone who cried hysterically when I turned into to the pet food aisle of the supermarket, I feel for you here,
It’s horrible the casualties along the way escaping abuse,
X x x
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