Feeling Alone

[AirNamaste]

Hello,

I am new here. I have been trying very hard to forgive my Husband. However, the “abuse” started about (removed by moderator) years ago. I believe I was living with an alcoholic Husband at the time but he was the breadwinner and I stayed at home.

For the sake of my child I smoothed things over and gave in to his wishes to prevent arguments and keep things sweet. Over time, I came to realise that his drunken behaviour and possibly his reputation in our Community prevented certain friendships/relationships from continuing or beginning. My child needed friends and I have no other family. He wasn’t getting on well with his family and so relations suffered there too.

My “bestie” at the time who was a mutual friend along with her Husband and had a child the same age (whom I am (removed by moderator) to) also became distant and although introduced me to some of her friends I was referred to as a “pal”, ignored in the group and sidelined to the level of a mere acquaintance. I left this toxic relationship by dodging out of coffee/lunch dates as I was doing Voluntary work at the time and didn’t know which direction my life would head in.

At the same time – now that the above relationship ended my “darling” Husband mended his ways!! Followed my example and gave up smoking. Drastically reduced the alcohol. Stopped doing local pubs. Suggested we drove out to a different pub (obviously he could not drink in this situation). I went along with his wishes but we could not make friends as we only ever stayed for about an hour to the early evening!! This went on for years…..

He is very good at DIY and would appear to be the dream Husband to others but our past is dark and I cannot see how we can get a life back beyond the two of us. I don’t feel like I can get close to him again. I tried recently very hard although it didn’t amount to much physically (not his wish – mine!!) but within a couple of weeks he was winding me up again and trying to get reactions out me. I am sorry to say I snapped. The blame was on me and I was threatened with the police. Nothing happened but sometimes it feels like he wants me to lose control completely so he can be the “rock” in our family.

I am in a trap – I love my home – I love my child – I am in a good position apart from I am very alone.

Is this even abuse or just the way we have ended up?

Thanks for reading this.

[sweet4]

Join the club, loneliness is just so so much of an awful feeling.I have learned we need to help ourselves get happy.

[AirNamaste]

Thanks sweet4

I agree. I did join a gym and I try to have a life exercising, shopping, looking after the home and pets. I think that before settling down when your life revolved around work and going out with friends and partner when that all ends completely you miss it so much.

I feel like now I am approaching old age I have done family and I now have too much to lose to make any rash decisions or let anyone new into my life even if I had the opportunity!

I guess for now I just have to plod along and hope my problems don’t escalate through no fault of my own. It is a testing time……

Thanks for understanding.

[Lisa]

Hi AirNamaste,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a supportive place to share your experiences. I’m sure you will soon find that you are not alone in how you are feeling at the moment.

It’s going to be good to engage with the other women here and get their perspective on things. It sounds like you have been quite isolated in what you are going through, and it’s so important to be able to talk about it to get some clarity. Talking all this through with your local domestic abuse service can be another good way to gain perspective and have your feelings validated. It sounds like you are coping and managing abusive, controlling behaviour by your partner which can have an impact on your mental health and over-all well being. In a healthy, happy relationship we shouldn’t find ourselves constantly trying to navigate challenging (even frightening) behaviour by our partners. It’s up to you what happens in all this, but it’s good to understand all the options you have and a local domestic abuse worker can help go through those with you.

Also, The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

Do keep posting to let us know how you are.

Take care,

Lisa

[Author]

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