Feeling alone and confused

[RedStrawberry]

It’s been a few weeks now since my husband decided to leave me after he’d turned physical on me for the first time. My kids really miss him and so do I. I miss the man he was when he wasn’t stressed, when he wasn’t criticising every little thing I did, or blaming me for things or when he mad when ‘I’d done something’ and I didn’t have a clue what and he’d scream at me saying how could I not know what I was doing. I miss it when he would be affectionate and actually made me feel good (although now I wonder it was just so I’d have sex with him). Im so confused as he never called me an abuser but the things he stated in the unreasonable behaviour on the divorce petition implies it. He’d listed all the things he’d made me feel like low confidence and esteem and saying I had erratic behaviour and a cycle of behaviour (that he could never explain when I asked what he meant) when it was him that would flip over the tiniest thing. He also implied I was financially controlling even though his wage went into his account and he transferred a certain amount to me but this didn’t always cover bills and I had to wait for him to get round to transferring any extra that was left after he’d paid his bills. He would plan big things to do to the house but if I asked to decorate or to buy some new furniture he’d say there was no point til the kids left home as it would get trashed. Im so angry that he took that choice from me to leave while I was in shock at what had gone on, he was doing nice things for me knowing he’d filed for divorce. Sorry for the rant but it seems to have hit home with the kids that he’s not coming back and they keep saying they miss him and I’m having to fight back tears saying I miss him while not saying it was his choice to leave but he’d done a bad thing and has really hurt me emotionally

[KIP.]

Please contact your local womens aid. What he’s doing is so typical of a domestic abuser. Punishing you for his behaviour makes you feel guilty when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Accusing you of the things he has done. Please report him to the police if you haven’t already and be truthful with the children. What he did was child abuse. None of this is your fault. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He is describing the cycle of abuse, his behaviour not yours. Get a good solicitor who has experience of domestic abuse. Talk to the national domestic abuse helpline. The nice man he was doesn’t exist, that’s an act. The real person is a nasty selfish violent man that I would fight to stop contact with my children. It’s natural to miss the good parts but those were just a mask he wears. Be kind to yourself but make sure your secure as the resident parent and financially because he will leave you all with nothing if he can. Abusers are liars and very often cheats. It’s likely he has someone else lined up so prepare yourself but use a third party for all contact going forwards.

[RedStrawberry]

Thanks KIP I have an appointment next month with a local DA charity. I have a solicitor but seeing as he got there first it looks like it’s gonna end up looking bad on my part. He is definitely going to come off better financially which just sucks. I did wonder about him having someone else but I don’t know when he would’ve had the time as he was either working or sleeping. It was odd though he’d sort of accuse me of having an imaginary boyfriend
with a name (don’t want to put it as too specific) round while he was at work and it turned into a running joke, he’d ask how he was etc. I’ll have a look for the book. My kids are too little to understand anymore than I’ve told them already, that mummy and daddy don’t love each other anymore and daddy now lives elsewhere. They’ve seen him supervised and he was still trying to controlthat by messaging just before picking them up saying he’d just realised was holidays could he keep them more days. I said no but its so frustrating.

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