Feeling alone with my past

[asdfghjkl]

Hello,
After hesitating for a long time I have finally got the courage to share my story with you because I feel that I am on my own with my thoughts and I have to have a place where I can discuss them.
I have not experienced rape or physical abuse, and I am still struggling to label my previous relationship but after having read a library amount of books, seen therapist and read many of your posts I am getting close to being able to identify it as abnormal, emotionally abusive relationship.

It all started when I was still at college (very young) and lasted more than a (Detail removed by Moderator) (very long). He was much older than me, in an open marriage at that time with kid but convinced me that all party is happy with that and so on. He was amazing, there was love bombing, I was the best, smart, young, beautiful, the queen of his sex fantasies – and his toy as well. He charmed me into many-many situations re sex where I wouldn’t have wanted to be on my own but he could convince me with his charm and his later exaggerated intimacy. He always told me that if I do this and that for him than he would love me more and that I was the best. I was young and he had a very social lifestyle so, I thought it is all part of the fun…I did it but it always left me disgusted and and felt shame the next day. Especially because he made photos and ‘we’ uploaded them to the internet to find more fun…Hated it and still hate it. I trusted him though so I kind of motivated myself to enjoy these things but truly…He mastered it: he kept mentioning how his ex did this and that and because I wanted them to get divorced, of course I wanted to be better.
The intimacy was only present after these sex acts for some time but of course he had more and more fantasies and more and more demands…If I did not comply he acted like he was disappointed and suggested that maybe I am not the one.

This was the first chapter, coloured with two breakups with multiple cheating on me but when I really wanted to leave him forever he managed to convince me to get back to him by divorcing and moving together with me. He changed he said. Since then a very painful couple of years followed, we changed home locations which resulted me to lose my job (I was very successful) but he could still tend his occasionally. (I really loved my job.) Depressed but quiet couple of years came by where I thought that finally we can start a family as it was long promised but he started to act depressed and that justified why he continued his drinking and moderated but everyday drug consumption. And it is where all started…I started to get into depression and started to not comply: could not be happy, cheerful, sexy anymore, my cup was empty so there was nowhere to pour from…And suddenly I started to see myself from the outside: he blamed me for everything, he made do all the work, the household, the excess work, he managed all the paperwork re our life, and he knew everything on Earth better than me. He kept saying I am dumb, not attractive anymore, too sensitive, cannot take criticism (he even criticized my facial expression in windy weather outside and the way I walked), never happy with anything and so on with occasional yelling on me even in front of his kids, he gave me looks when I said or did something inappropriate (in his opinion) in front of friends and his family – it went for at least (Detail removed by Moderator) years. And I was way away from all my friends and all my family in a place where I did not know a single soul.
I broke up (Detail removed by Moderator)months ago and left him for good. On my own. I only trusted my therapist who managed to open my eye, I have got a brilliant job since that I am very good at, I started to have friends but I cannot trust and I have flashbacks all the time, every day, every week. I don’t believe these voices anymore in my head (his voice) but I feel that I can finally understand what happened and I am so angry sometimes but I just cannot share it with anybody because I feel that this what happened to me is soooo surreal that no one would believe me (and all my friends know him and like him). Since it was very difficult for me to understand it, I feel, I broke free but I only got into another prison where I am on my own again, lonely as my little finger. I just don’t how when will I be over this and move on if ever.

Thank you for the opportunity to share these, and sorry if I was too long…
asdfghjkl

[maddog]

I love how you have used the middle line of qwerty as your name! My marriage broke down I don’t know how long ago. We had been in a relationship for about a quarter of a century and red flags had been flying from the start. I had been raped a few years before I met my ex. Of course I told him and blamed myself so he said he’d never hurt me or do anything like that and that he’d stop if I told him. I thought I knew what rape meant and I thought I knew what abuse meant (family).

At the moment I am drowning in help and I can’t take it all in. It is a tsunami. For the first time I am having to prioritise and I don’t know how. It sometimes feels bitterly lonely. It is like being starved nearly to death and being presented with a feast. Where most people know what to eat first, I don’t.

Please make contact with Women’s Aid. I am having counselling through Rape Crisis. You may get on with specialist help. Tell your gp about what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

Well done for writing. I know its really hard. I told a high up manager that I’d been crying the night before and when she asked why I just said secrets. We all carry secrets with us and that can be really hard, but at the same time peoples reactions when you do tell them can be hard too.
Its good to come on here, because we are all here for each other and won’t judge you for what has happened.
Please don’t try to minimise what happened to you. From what you said it was pretty harsh and this is not an easy thing to move on from.

[pasta]

My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult when you leave, even months after. I remember the first couple of months being hell in my own mind. I had never felt that way before, not even after having loved ones pass away. It was constant thought after thought and flashback and having to rewrite all of the time with my ex, knowing it was a lie… By brain kept going back and forth in denial thinking it was my fault and it couldn’t possibly be true…

Things that helped me were… Talking to friends and family even strangers sometimes. I splurged out the details for anyone that listened. I had to get it out.
I had counselling but not domestic v counselling. But it was helpful as he helped me build my sense of self back and still had someone to talk too.
I had to remain busy busy busy all the time to stop the thoughts or I would go mad…. I did anything free going. An alpha course, social meet ups advertised, wanted to try book clubs, extra things from work. I tried reconnecting with lots of friend and acquaintances and strengthens the friendships I had been isolated from. Took myself out for the day. Exersize classes .
This helped me enjoy being in my head again.
I listened to endless podcasts to help me go to sleep as last thing at night and first thing was the worst.
And also reading as much as I could Fromm people in the same situation. This was not a normal break up, this was a traumatic event, nothing to do with me… And every abuse has the same patterns. This lifted so much guilt from me.
Just know your are not alone in this and it really does get better!

[freedomtochoose]

hello asdfg and ladies,

Your last paragraph I greatly value (I hope you will understand this) and thank you for sharing it with us:

“On my own. I only trusted my therapist who managed to open my eye, I have got a brilliant job since that I am very good at, I started to have friends but I cannot trust and I have flashbacks all the time, every day, every week. I don’t believe these voices anymore in my head (his voice) but I feel that I can finally understand what happened and I am so angry sometimes but I just cannot share it with anybody because I feel that this what happened to me is soooo surreal that no one would believe me (and all my friends know him and like him). Since it was very difficult for me to understand it, I feel, I broke free but I only got into another prison where I am on my own again, lonely as my little finger. I just don’t how when will I be over this and move on if ever…”

Much of this I could have written myself. Especially the bit about not ‘trusting’ and feeling as if my story is so ‘surreal’ that no one would believe me (and my ex having shown his Mr. Nice face – to people he has manipulated which has led to some isolation for me…)

Despite all this don’t get me wrong, I can see a glimmer of hope on this journey for the likes of myself and yourself. As you have been saying sharing with the right therapist first of all and then perhaps on here like this, and then realising that so many, many many of us had something ‘surreal’ in human terms and awful – and that we deserve better – and that we are all, with our inner strength, our sparkle and our humanity are working our way together out of the prison of isolation, bit by bit.

with you in spirit,
all best
ftc
x

[Author]

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