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We said our final good bye and agreed I won’t go back to our house.
I am fine with this and everything financial is on it’s way to being sorted but…. now that I haven’t been to the house for some time, I am starting to think maybe I’ve been too soft.
I will be fine financially but now I’m more away from the confusion I am thinking about things that I’ve probably been too amicable about and have been taken advantage off.
I keep trying to tell myself it’s better to be free and setting up my own safe home but I am starting to get it when people mention being angry that nothing changes for him…. because he still has EVERYTHING.
I thought I was ok and I thought I’d avoided the anger part but I’m not and I haven’t.
I haven’t stopped thinking about everything since our final goodbye. It was very sad and emotional and I’m left feeling like I’ve taken steps back while he is almost grey rocking me when we get in touch over the final few things. I feel like it being so upsetting gave him strength while making me weak.
I am getting a new house and I have been getting bits for it, I’m excited, but also perhaps a little scared now that it’s becoming more real.
I know it’s a long process but I thought I was over feeling like all i want to do is stay in bed and cry 😢
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Hi, recovery is a roller coaster. Did you get good legal advice? It’s ok to compromise but these men are unfair and will definitely take advantage of you if they can. It’s not too late to reassess the split. Our views change as we heal. We see things differently as the fog clears. Do not trust him, get independent advice x it’s ok to be angry just don’t get stuck there x
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Hi KIP x
I did get legal advice and we have done things 50/50 but I was talked down from the average valuation (and I’d already gone in lower) and I was put under pressure one afternoon to value all the items in the house and now I’m thinking oooh that was low or if we sold it would we get more etc. That being said, at the time, and still to a point now, I thought the slightly reduced figure was better or possibly the same as paying lots of fees and waiting for someone to buy it (and I wanted to get out, more than I wanted to drag it out and see if we could get more for it). But now I’m feeling annoyed with myself as I am always (in all walks of life) the one who compromises too much.
I can’t really/ don’t want to go back on what we’ve agreed as I may lose the house that I am moving to and it really is the right house and gets me away to start fresh anonymously – until I am ready to be sociable etc.
I guess you can’t have it all and I just need to think about the new house rather than how much money I may or may not have done myself out of. And most importantly I will have peace of mind and be safe. There is no price for that is there, so I should be happy.
Thanks as always
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Hi HeadvHeart
It sounds like it’s the last time you overly compromised on material matters. You did it to move on quickly into safety so don’t be disappointed with yourself quite the contrary; you didn’t compromised safety and peace of mind which at this point is the more important aspect to look at.You already assessed the pros and cons of re-negotiating a deal for your stuff&old house versus what your new house&life has to offer. I think you are right with your decision to look forward, there is a beautiful life of freedom for you to grab.
I hope you will feel comfortable in your new house and safe. -
Thank you HopeLifeJoy
I really do agree and your message did give me a boost and help me think more long term rather than short.
Once I have my own home I am never getting rid of it, even if I want to move and live with someone again, I will keep as somewhere I know i can always go back to and be safe. And thats what I have to keep reminding myself. Money is just money isn’t it and at least this way it’s been calmer than it would have been. But even as I write that I’m a little annoyed thinking thats him having control and me just keeping the peace 😢
Oh well i will soon have a new house and life.
Hope you are ok xx -
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I agree. I lost a lovely new car to my unemployEd alcoholic ex. He never paid a penny towards it or its upkeep. But at the end of the day, it was a small price to pay to be rid of him and arguing about it would just have prolonged the whole sorry tale. If you can do without the money, forget it. It still grinds my gears though, but one day it won’t!
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I think you absolutely did the right thing. I lost out financially and it did annoy me for quite some time. More that my solicitor wasn’t up for fighting and seemed to collide with his for a resolution. However, looking back, it was a small price to pay and I’ve already picked myself back up. We could have tried standing our ground but we know the lengths these men would go to so if he’s going to sign the papers and set you free then you did the right thing. Your priority was to break free. Let him sit with the memories in that house while you start afresh. Lots of emotions will come and go but it will get easier. Some women have walked away with nothing so it sounds like you should be proud of yourself. When the settlement was agreed between me and my ex I had to give him money both solicitors worked out that I owed him (detail removed by moderator) and he wrote back that I should round it down to (detail removed by moderator). Those weren’t the actual figures so I won’t be identified but the fact he told me to round it down really made me angry. As if I’m supposed to be grateful when I’m paying him well more than he was due and he’s also stole tens of thousands from our joint account. I can tell you I’d do it differently now but when you’re traumatised, you’re just no thinking straight and there also seems to be no punishment for lying to the court. So evil prevails x
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Juse read your message FizzyLem. Lol.
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