Feeling awful

[Alone]

Not sure how to explain myself, not even sure what it is I’m feeling!! Just know that I feel like I’m going to erupt into an emotional mess.

I probably triggered myself by writing to my ex best friend. I wanted to leave things open for possible future contact so I sent a brief message, including the public piece on how my life has changed.

I expected a negative reaction, so being ignored is the lesser of two evils but it’s still got to me.

I never trusted anyone like that before, I had never taken such steps to change my life before, all because of the people I had in it. Just to lose them all. I wish I’d never bothered.

I’m still working six days a week. Today I had to contend with seeing others believe the poison the work bully has spread about me. I am constantly checked up on, micromanaged – when I used to be real one managing people and in a position of responsibility! But he says I’m one way, so of course everyone acts on that information :@

I also had a blast from the past today. Someone I worked with a while back, during the happiest year of my life was around. Asking about all the people I used to know and love, telling people stories about how much I used to do, and how sweet I apparently am. It was nice, but also difficult as it was a massive reminder of everything I’ve lost.

Then after work I needed to meet a family member who caused a scene in public. Already feeling vulnerable I wasn’t equipped to handle it. This was the first public incident since I had friends in my life, and normally I’d contact them as a distraction and to vent, so once again had my lost happy times thrown in my face.

I’m so lonely and I hate it!! I’m proud of the things I’ve achieved, that my anxiety has lessened etc, but I can’t get over the feeling of being discarded once again. My mum always told me that people discover the real me, that they find out who I really am and will get rid of me. Well it seems like she’s right.

I thought I was someone who had one thing after another go wrong, but kept trying anyway, but clearly that’s not what others see. They must see the real me, as my mum has always put it.

I can’t even attempt to make connections with others because I really can’t trust again. I don’t want anyone to get to know me, I don’t want to go through this pain ever again. I should have never revealed the abuse, I should never have trusted, I should have stayed quiet. With my friends, or family as we saw/called each other, I felt I had everything I ever wanted… I hate going day after day without speaking to a soul, never having anything fun to do, never getting out and having a laugh. I don’t like this new life!

If I had a time machine I would go back and never reveal a thing. I’m still living with the abusers, but lost everything that made life worth living.

I’m trying to learn to accept having nothing, to just keep working and getting by, to never connect with others again, but I get these moments where I really want someone to talk to, even just to tell an interesting or funny story to, and it makes me feel like such a failure! The only time people contact me now is if they want something they think I can get them for free at work.

I’m no one and I belong nowhere and deserve nothing! I should have just listened to my mum years ago, instead of letting my then best friend convince me I deserved better. It’s just heartache, it’s like walking through a dark tunnel holding hands with loved ones and coming out the other side and realising they didn’t make it through with you. Not a single person will give me the time of day!

[Ayanna]

Big hugs! Your mum is awful. She is so wrong saying this. By your posts I can tell that you are a lovely person. You are broken. Those friends who left you were not real friends. I had plenty of such a…h.le friends. Now I have none and I do not miss them.
You need to find your pieces and put them back together to the real you. Once you are YOU you need to remain YOU. Do not change for people. Be genuine. If you want to throw your story into someone’s face do it without regret. The story is part of who you are. Whoever cannot cope with that better stays away from you. You deserve people who accept you as you are.
You do not need to trust anybody, but you can still make connections with people.
I wish you could move away from the abusers. Why can you not share a flat somewhere?
Why actually do you earn so little with a six day a week job? Do you need more qualifications?
Why does your bully boss micro manage you? Have there been incidents, are there any concerns?
It is easy to drop performance at work when suffering from abuse at home.
A good way out of this is changing jobs when the situation at home is somewhat under control.
Moving to a different area, finding a new job, that can be uplifting.
Is there no chance you can think of doing this?

[Serenity]

Hi Alone,

One thing that has always come through in your posts, on this and the old forum, is how you don’t feel that you fit in and are acceptable to other people, that you are somehow lacking.

I can imagine that part of this, if not all, stems from your incredibly unkind and emotionally abusive mother, who sounds poisonous.

I felt like this for much of my life.

However, I have been seeing an amazing counsellor who has made me realise that my thinking has been all wrong.

I have had emotional abuse directed at me by certain people in my family. I have struggled to feel as good as other people. I have been made to feel that my natural reactions of upset and pain when someone was unkind or unfair were somehow proof that I was lacking in some way.

I have realised that this is because there are some pretty mixed up people about. We try to bring our children up the right way, and we assume that all adults are thus emotionally mature and honourable, but they aren’t. Many of them were parented very poorly, it seems. Or they just are abusive.

It’s hard when you are stuck in a situation and it’s easy to blame yourself for everything, but when you’re out, you look back and can see it so clearly, send its easier for some people to see the possible truth of your situation.

I would say that the problem is not you at all. You are believing your abusive family’s lies, so that it’s affecting your adult life.

I would say that it’s more likely that your mother is bitter and jealous of her own daughter’s youth send potential. Yes, some mothers are this sick. They should never have had children. Your mother is trying to make you feel that you are in some way bad, because she can’t face the fact that you might be a success and be happy- unlike her.

So she tells you these lies about yourself.

Your mistake is to believe them. Because then, you feel worthless and bad, and this is carried I we into you feeling that the whole world is against you.

I have experienced bullies at work. I have been let down by friends. A lot of the time I blamed myself, and thus caused me great pain and self-hatred.

But that’s because I didn’t realise then that how people treat you says more about them, than you.

They put others down because they feel insignificant themselves. They see you achieving, having something they want, they can’t deal with it. They pick up on the fact you are lacking in confidence and will likely take their word as gospel, so you are easy bait for them to attack and to then feel powerful, because rather than have to feel their negative feelings about themselves ( they are cowards), they make you feel them instead! This is pure projection.

All these people who say and do things : it’s not about you, it’s about them!

From your posts, if is clear that you are a sensitive and intelligent young woman with huge potential for peace, happiness and success. There are just jealous people out there who don’t want you to have it. So they try to make you feel you are wrong to want it, or don’t deserve it. Don’t believe their lies.

My counsellor did a great exercise with me this week. She got some pebbles, and she asked me to pick some to represent the people featuring in my life. I chose my ex, my parents, step mother, friends, sisters and sons, and myself. She told me to place them at a distance to myself that they are, or that I wanted them to be.

I wanted my abusive ex completely out of the picture. We threw his stone away. My younger sister, dad and step mother I wanted closer, my mum and other sister I wanted further away. My kids, I wanted close – to protect them.

My counsellor then took all the stones away except for my stone, and asked how I felt. I said I felt panicky about my kids being taken away, but in terms of the adults, I didn’t mind them all being taken away, temporarily. Some I didn’t mind being taken away for longer! ( my counsellor calmed me by saying to just imagine my children were in the next room!).

And I was still there. My stone was still there, big and grey. It didn’t disappear.

My counsellor made me realise that we aren’t the sum of others’ opinions and reactions. We are real people. We don’t just evaporate because of others’ negative behaviours and opinions. We are more than other people’s ( faulty) views and treatment of us. We’re still there.

Take away your mum’s vicious views and your family’s neglect. Take away the nasty bullies at work. Take away the friends that let you down. You are still you. You aren’t any less of a person.

My hope for you in 2016 is that you will also get the help that I have received, to make you realise that this us true,my hat your happiness won’t be dependent upon your mother’s acceptance and validation of you, and that you will have the self-belief to shake off the negative and destructive opinions of abusive and jealous people and realise that the ugh things they say aren’t true if you, they are expressions of those people’s own ugliness.

Big changes come with huge steps. Though you need to take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself, there are times you need to step up and fight for your rights. I hope that you can fight for the better paid and more responsible job, because you deserve it and are capable of it, so that you can get away from your abusive mother and start believing in yourself and enjoying being you. You are far too hard in yourself, because your mother is far too hard on you.

Your mother’s words aren’t gospel. They aren’t the truth. They are twisted lies. Please see her words as just that.

We all believe in you here!

Sorry, I have rambled…. Xxxx

[Alone]

Thank you for the replies x

(detail removed by moderator), yes that is exactly how I feel, as I was writing that post I kept going to type “I hate myself” but I wouldn’t allow it. I try to use positive self talk with myself as much as possible, but it doesn’t stop me feeling it.

When I was successful at work and feeling happy outside the home, people did respond to me really well, until the work bully came along. That was how I found my best friends, and I honestly believe I will never stop mourning that loss. I know people keep saying you find out who your true friends are, and other such sayings, and that is true of a lot of the people in my life, but my best friends, one in particular, stuck by me through almost a year of extreme drama. I did my best to minimise the effect on him, but he felt he had to be strong and wouldn’t tell me when he was feeling overwhelmed. And I was too scared at the time to ask directly and be upfront, which I regret now.

I know I did the right thing by cutting off communication, closing social networking etc while I dealt with my life, but I didn’t do it soon enough. An old friend got in my head and was telling me for ages that if I cut off my best friends they would get used to a life without me, so I became too afraid to be upfront and tried to act as if I hadn’t been given an eviction notice, and wasn’t starving because I couldn’t afford to eat. I tried to hide how bad it had all got, and if I look back at exchanged texts and emails I can see it was clear I wasn’t myself. I’m no longer in touch with the person who put in my head that I couldn’t take distance sooner, I really wish I had done so.

One person who was becoming a best friend ignored me the night I became homeless. I was texting, messaging, contacting her in every way I could, begging for help, asking to talk to her and she wouldn’t answer. I can now remember a pattern of this – if I needed to talk, she would ignore me. But I kept making excuses for her along the way and forgot about it all while I was in a stressed out fog. But the other friend – he was there every time. To the point where I didn’t contact him when I became homeless or in an emergency because I didn’t want to put that pressure on him. He still doesn’t know I was homeless for a bit last year. So when people say things about people not sticking around, and fair weather friends, I agree, but with him all I see is a pattern of caring, having been there, and then me messing up. Which I think was inevitable, because how could I have thought clearly and been myself when starving, homeless, and believing my life was going to end?? I wish with all my heart that certain people could see that. And people who know us both ask me about him sometimes, how he’s doing etc and they refuse to believe we’re not in touch. They think I’m joking, or tell me I’ve made a mistake…it hurts every time that happens 🙁

I don’t have a six day a week job, I have two low hours jobs, but more hours were temporarily available. I earn two figures a week in both jobs, and it just barely scrapes over three figures a week when combined. I was told I am not entitled to housing or benefits – I tried to get those last year. I’m being made redundant in a few months, so hoping to find one job with better hours after that, but I have to wait for my redundancy consultation meeting to find out possibilities of transfer, so it’s difficult to plan anything at the moment. I feel in a limbo and a little anxious in case I end up unable to afford to support myself again, but I’ve already got a meeting set up with the law centre to find out if there’s anything I can do about a few things, such as the bully destroying my reputation and ruining my chances of transfer, and whether my redundancy pay can be reconsidered as the bully cut my hours, not me wanting to work so little. (As it stands they only have to pay me a very low amount because my hours were cut so much). So I’m trying to plan ahead as best I can, but until I get all my meetings I don’t know what the facts are.

My performance at work was great – despite abuse. I stood out to everyone and was progressing and getting more and more responsibility. The head office were noticing me, which is very rare for anyone at my level. Work was my place to shine – the place to be myself and as soon as I walked through that door, any incidents at home were left outside. It’s only because the bully came in and started making up lies about me, started threatening me and then demoted me and cut my hours dramatically that my life fell apart. Until then, I was successful at work, and in my private life I had confided in my best friend about my domestic situation, and with his support I had organised meetings that we were going to attend together, but once the bully started harassing me it just all fell apart. I didn’t have work to escape to anymore, I was stuck at home all the time where the abuse had stepped up because I wasn’t giving them the money they wanted and I was so hungry that I couldn’t think clearly. It’s the whole work situation that made everything as it is now – and in some ways I’m glad of it because it ended up giving me confidence and belief in myself, and showed me what is important in life.

But if I could trade, I would go back to living in a storage room and hiding abuse, because I really don’t like this lonely empty life I have now. And knowing I am becoming redundant in a few months means I have very limited time to get to know my current colleagues anyway, and my hours are being reduced again next week and I’ll be working alone and isolated again once the bully returns.

I’ve just realised the time – I have to get ready for day four of work out of six in a row again, so will have to come back another time to respond to Serenity! I have replied to Ayanna and (detail removed by moderator) in the above post!

take care

xx

[Doglover99]

Hi Alone and believe me that you really are not alone. We are all here for you. I can’t advise you about your work situation but I would seriously consider contacting your old best friend and telling him what you went through, be honest with him and tell him how it really was for you. He sounds like a great friend to have and I’m sure he will understand. I know if I was in that position, being someone’s great friend, I would just be sad that they couldn’t tell me how bad things were but I would be delighted to re-establish that friendship. Talk to him. You have nothing to lose.

I think every single one of us here, due to our various life experiences, have a very low self-esteem. I have struggled with this ever since I was growing up due to my family situation with an alcoholic abusive father. Counselling didn’t really exist then, we just had to get on with it and try and forget. Now it’s come back to bite me with my more recent experience with my abuser husband. My counsellor gave me an information sheet about low self esteem and how it goes back to our core beliefs (e.g. what our parents teach/tell us, when our abusers repeatedly tell us we are bad/useless/no good/ugly etc.). We start to believe that and the trick is to train our brain to believe our good points, that we are worthy. When I read the information sheet about how a person with low self esteem behaves, it was like a light bulb going off. I was reading about myself. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, it was those early beliefs that moulded me to the person I am now, perhaps that it why my abuser found it easy to control me.

Google it if you have time. Don’t believe what your mother says about you, it is not true. She is the one with a problem there. I don’t quite understand why any mother would say such things to their own child but she is the one in the wrong. You are a good person who is trying to create a new life for yourself without the abuse. I don’t know your story but it is always good to be honest and tell people, to get out of the abusive situation. It is hard afterwards until we find our true self again (I haven’t done that yet) but from what I hear from all the ladies here who are further on that path, it is so well worth it.

Anyway, just remember you are not alone. We are all in the same boat one way or another and we are here to support you. Stay strong and big hugs.

[Alone]

Thank you for the response, Doglover.

He was a great friend, and I tried to always be there for him as well, but this silence and ignoring someone is so out of character for him that it both hurts and gives me hope. But I can’t really allow myself hope, as that keeps the hurt going… 🙁 He is normally so upfront, so direct that this out of character behaviour cuts deeply. Makes me feel like I’m being depicted as a dangerous monster who has to be immediately cut off. I trusted him with all my heart, so it’s preventing me letting anyone close again, I don’t believe anyone is genuine anymore, I think a large part of me never will again.

I did write to him very recently, close to the time you suggested it. But I have no way of knowing whether my message got through, whether I’ve been blocked from communications or not. I mentioned in an older post on here that I had written a public statement about what I had been through, and in that I was very honest and upfront about where I went wrong (I believe I held those who meant a lot to me too tightly when I was losing everything else in my life, which suffocated them, but should be understandable when what I had going on is considered and trying to show people I cared doesn’t make me a monster!) I won’t try again now, even though it hurts to know that. What confuses me most is that he is ignoring me, but hasn’t (yet!) blocked me from social networking. I know he did care deeply about me in the past, and said it was a friendship he didn’t want to lose. So I don’t know whether that is a sign that he still cares even just a little. I asked advice of a few people whether I should delete him from there, or whether that would allow a further misunderstanding. I’ve been advised by everyone to leave him there and give him time. But how much time do people need?? (Rhetorical, I know there’s no answer to that). Knowing that someone who I believed was family, now can’t be asked how he’s doing, or wished a happy birthday etc hurts like crazy!

I feel the rest of my responses ties in to Serenity’s post, which is why I started with doglover.

You are both right that self esteem/abuse affects the way we see ourselves, and for me it did for a long time. Far too long, you all seem to have the impression that I am younger than I actually am. I strongly agree that we all have the assumption that adults/people in a position of authority are emotionally mature, and in the past whenever someone treated me badly I always assumed it was my fault. It was the support of my friends at the time, in particular the one mentioned above, that helped me to stop blaming myself. At first I would state situations/repeat conversations with the work bully to get feedback. I kept thinking that I couldn’t be getting bullied at work as well, it just wasn’t possible to be getting abused everywhere. I thought I must be explaining myself to the bully poorly and allowing him a misconception. Friends clearly pointed out that it was him and not me. The one above knew about the abuse at home and would tell me I am letting that cloud my judgement of the work situation, that my version of “normal” was skewed, and that the bully was definitely intending to single me out. Eventually I could see it for myself.

I also used to feel the same way about my family – that if I could find the magical words to explain myself, to explain how they made me feel and were affecting me, that they would stop. I believed that everyone was good on some level, and I just had to find the right words to reach that level and make them understand. It was through having friends love and support me that I finally stopped believing the things my mum was saying. People DID love me, DID consider me. They weren’t ashamed to be around me, and did want me in their lives. They did know the real me and weren’t running for cover! Their actions – simple ones, such as writing me a Christmas card, or remembering to book my birthday off work so they could spend it with me, telling me what was going on with them and allowing me to support them too – had more impact than their words. I finally realised that my mum was wrong. I stopped believing it completely, and started to see so clearly how messed up she really is. How she manipulates everyone around her, and they all believe everything she says about me. I can now think back to my childhood and realise that she never really knew how to look after herself, so what chance did she have of looking after children as a single parent? She thinks she can stop paying bills, then expects me to sort things out when the bailiffs turn up at the door. It’s up to me to liaise with builders/repairmen, even though she removed me from the rent account and has been pocketing my rent money for at least several years! I pretend to be her, to make phonecalls to sort out finances – she’s like a grown up child. I wish I was able to see it sooner.

I am now starting to re-believe the things she said about me though. Because in the end she was right – my friends did abandon me, my employer did try to push me out. She has always said that people will spot the real me and get sick of me. That happened.

Having such amazing people in my life made me want to change everything. The entire time I wished I had found a way sooner, because I didn’t want them to have to see me go through that, or to go through it with me. I had found the people I wanted to know for the rest of my life. But then I lost them, and now I only go on out of habit.

Considering the pebble exercise you mentioned, Serenity, I have none close to me at the moment. If it was in my hands, pebbles relating to my friends would be next to mine, pebbles representing family would be further away, but still in reach. But I’ve been disowned by family (which makes living with some of them extremely difficult) and cut off by friends. I don’t believe there’s anything I can do about it 🙁

I am trying to fight for more. I wasn’t entitled to housing, so that is a problem for after I get a better job. I am trying to plan ahead for my next job move, but until I get my redundancy consultation meeting I don’t know where I stand within the company or financially. The bully’s “enabler” has recently moved on, so I am trying to show what I can do while neither of them are about, to try increasing my chances of a transfer. The newer job has proved itself to be a dead end, so I can’t wait to leave there as soon as possible.

I feel really lost at the moment. I understand myself better than I ever have – I am a lot less anxious and more relaxed in general. I no longer blame myself for everything or take everyone else’s actions to heart, but feeling all alone in the world is holding me back. I saw something really funny in the street the other day, and wanted to share the experience with friends. But I know I can’t contact certain people. And the few people I did contact ignored me. I wanted to pass on some news to someone who I knew would have been interested – but I can’t, because we aren’t talking.

A phone that never rings – the only texts I receive are network messages. I’m sick of never having a chance to get out of my own head, not being able to get out and try new things, to do all the things my family always prevented me from doing. It’s not quite a year yet of having no one else in my life, and it’s been so hard. I would honestly take the abuse and blaming myself back if it meant I could go back to compartmentalising and having a happy life outside the home. I feel like I now emotionally have the stepping stones to a brighter future, but nowhere to lay the foundations. It’s like being a millionaire in a world that abolished money – having everything and nothing at the same time!

I don’t know if I’ve explained anything clearly, I am so tired and can’t keep up these six day working weeks much longer. Working myself into the ground, and yet my income is still so low that I don’t pay tax! Crazy! I’ve got to leave for work in a few minutes, for another six days in a row.

Take care all

xx

[Author]

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