Feeling Bad

[Serenity]

I’ve been feeling really protective over my oldest son, as his dad was always so unkind to him.

I’ve tried so hard to make him feel secure and loved, encouraged him to do different things, etc.

He’s been seeing a bit more of his dad recently, and without being too identifying, I believe his dad is trying to lead him down the wrong path. ‘Why?’, some might ask. Well, because these abusers know that this is something that would break our hearts.

Anyway, the other day he made light of thinking of doing something which was not right- thank goodness he told me, I was able to explain to him why he shouldn’t do it. But I got shouted at and was told to shut up, that I always ‘exaggerated’ things (denying, projecting, minimising alert?).

Today, he shouted at me about something right in front of his friend. He was talking to me almost like he had a right to dictate. He only saw his dad one night this week, and the attitude seems to have been affected by it. There’s a definite difference in him after he’s seen his dad.

Thing is, I told him clearly, in front of his friend, to not speak to me like that, that bad language wasn’t helping the situation. But he continued to talk down to me and use not very nice vocabulary. He was going out to his friend’s house. So I then found myself telling him not to come home tonight ( that is, to sleep at his friend’s).

I’ve never said anything like that to him before. Now I feel guilty. But he can’t think he can behave like that in this home. Was I really wrong to say that? It’s so I like me. It’s just that I am at the end of my tether in terms of tolerating bad treatment. I have zero tolerance for or it.

I am wondering if I have worried too much about him and mollycoddled him. I was so worried about the effects of his dad on him; but he is now seeing his dad a bit, and I am getting treated like this. Maybe he needs me to be tougher. Standing up for myself isn’t a bad thing. But why do I feel so mean?

[KIP.]

Hey there, how dare he behave like that and well done for setting boundaries. We feel guilt because we we have been programmed to feel guilt by our abusers. Remember the FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation Guilt. The day came when I had to protect myself and let my son go and find out for himself. Maybe time he stayed with his father until he changes his behaviour. For your health more than his x

[Serenity]

You’re right, KIP. The guilt needs to be eradicated from this situation.

I was thinking this as I woke up this morning: my ex programmed me so that when he did something wrong and I protested, suddenly I was the one who needed to apologise ( and I never got any apology from my ex!).

I’m not going to repeat that dynamic- no way. My new life is going to be built on standing up for myself.

And the thing is, even my son himself says I am very easy-going but, when it’s important, I stand up for things. Well, this is one of those occasions. I’m preparing a young man to go out into the world and even to be a husband. I need to teach him that such behaviour is unacceptable. There’s damage done If you are too nice!

Thanks, KIP x*x

[Serenity]

PS: Also, I think my ex and my kids know that I don’t say things to be cruel, but rather I say what I mean. And I did mean what I said to my son: I am not tolerating his treatment of me. Maybe he will need to go out there in the real world and even stay with his dad for a while to realise a few things. He knows I am always a safe haven, but he needs to know also that I am not a walkover. Tough love x

[Nova]

Serenity…do not feel bad. Your parenting!
That’s the big difference…you are a responsible adult who cares deeply for their child’s future..& has the courage to stand up and speak truth.

That is what a Mother is that’s what will get your kids through this, rock solid.

Big hugs & a well deserved pat on the back, it’s not easy being up against it, especially when ‘ the joker’ is around.

Stick to your principles Serenity, you know what’s best, for sure.

Cx

[Pearlescent]

Hi Serenity, I really feel for you and your situation. I feel that I have spent years trying to repay the debt I feel I owe my eldest son and this has resulted in me being too easy-going with him. I think we try so hard to make up for the horrible years and to ensure that our sons do not grow up to be like their fathers and when it feels like it isn’t working it breaks our heart. Your post reminds me of one time where my son completely lost his temper, he was doing his homework and I think felt a bit stressed, we had had an argument (probably about tidying up etc) and to lighten the mood I tapped his head or leg or something. He completely flipped, started screaming and shouting (luckily my youngest was not around). My first reaction was to run out into the kitchen and shut myself in and I heard him kick the door. I stood in the kitchen for what felt like hours with my heart hammering until I calmed down a bit and thought “I am not having this in my house, I have worked too hard to remove violence from our lives and I am not letting it return”. I forced myself out to confront him (he already towered over me), he had ran upstairs and I could hear him trashing his room. He shouted at me to stay out of his room and almost pleaded with me – I think the anger scared him but I knew I had to go in there and stand up to him. I did just that, squared up to him and told him to never do that again, that I was not having violence brought back into our lives and that if he ever felt like that again he should walk out of the door and not come back until he had calmed down. I felt sick afterwards and thought that this was the start of his past playing a part in his future but it never happened again – tough love can work but it is tougher on you !
Sometimes I think we are so quick to think that their behaviour is because of their past but sometimes it can just be hormones, puberty etc. I can understand why you think it is his dad influencing his behaviour and I think you are right in what you have said – tough love is needed at the moment. I am sure you are bringing him up to know right from wrong and you have to trust that he will see sense eventually. It will be ok – he is your son and whether he recognises it at the moment or not he loves you and feels save with you.
xx

[Serenity]

Thank you, ladies.

You’re right, Cuppa. Sticking to my principles is important.

Pearlescent: I can so identify with your experience. What a courageous mum you are. You’re right, we are like a protective lioness protecting their cubs, but that also includes protecting them from becoming something bad. xx

[iwillbeok]

HI Ladies,

I am in a difficult situation with my daughter – her self esteem is at rock bottom and she lashes out in ager anger and rejection as a result. I have taken to saying “I know you are in a tough place right now, but that doesnt give you the right to treat others poorly. You aren;t happy, but I will call you out on bad behaviour. That does not make you a bad person, you’ve just had a little slip up.”

I found I was ‘walking on eggshells’ (ironic much?!) around her as she is so sensitive at the moment. But I need to step up and be her Mum also. It’s a fine balance that I hope I am getting right. I have to remind myself the age she is (all about testing boundaries and self-discovery) but given the boundaries my children grew up with weren’t healthy to beigin with I think I’ve got my work cut out for me!

I think as parents we need to find the balance between supporting our children and giving them a ‘safe harbour’ but also not slipping into the unhealthy beaviours we may have addopted with our abusers. I think this is true of parents who aren’t in abuseive relationships, but maybe more so with us?

Well done on sticking up for yourself, Serentity!

[older lady]

Its not just your parenting…. There’s the sentiment that goes ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. Children, young people are influenced by all of society, not just the parents. We can’t underestimate that. In a society that discriminates, or holds prejudice, the children, the young people grow up with that. We don’t parent in isolation. I’ve read that teenagers are far more influenced by their peer group than their parents. I don’t know how true this is…Maybe what we are also dealing with is the influence of that culture and society upon our children, it’s not just one parent or one family, and the prevalent attitudes towards women and men. When I ask my daughter not to ‘speak to me in that way’ what I am really doing is challenging a social viewpoint, one that she is just as susceptible to as anyone else. If there is domestic abuse in the family, that forces her closer to a negative social stereotype about me as a woman. I think its just too easy to become invisible as a person inside the ‘mum’ persona that we’re expected to put on, its what everyone says about what it is to be a mum that’s harmful I think, that we’re supposed to fulfil a certain social expectation. I want my daughter to see me as a person, just like i want her to be seen as someone and not just mum, sister, daughter, mother, and, god forbid, wife. xx

[Author]

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