Feeling conflicted

[Applepear]

Hi, I’m new, this is my first post here. Thank you for having me.

I left my partner recently. I had tried to multiple times before but every time I always ended up thinking I had it all wrong. I felt like I didn’t know what was real.

This time is different. I spoke to someone who helped me realise that the way he was treating me was bad.

I still can’t help feeling conflicted though. I feel guilty about leaving him because I know he struggles with his mental health and he tells me how much he needs me. Also, I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. Although there were times when he treated me badly, there were also times when he was so kind and caring towards me. I know that he isn’t a bad person and that he loves me and that makes it even harder to stand my ground.

Maybe someone out there can relate to how I’m feeling and these mixed emotions you can have about a person.

[KIP.]

Hi, mental health is absolutely no excuse for abuse. Abusers choose to abuse. You said yourself you have tried to leave before and have been manipulated back using guilt. He is not your responsibility. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? Google the cycle of abuse. There are many good times because if it was all bad all the time we would have no reason to stay. Google gaslighting. That feeling of confusion comes from they way abusers lie and gaslight and blame. It’s crazy making behaviour. Try writing a journal of all the incidents and how they made you feel. I bet the abuse has been going on for much longer than you think. Abusers abuse in private because they know it’s wrong and can control themselves when there are witnesses. It’s okay to be sad and miss him and to grieve the relationship you thought you had and the future you though you had. None of this will prevent his abuse. Work on absolutely zero contact. It’s difficult because we have this trauma bond they’ve created and that’s hard to break but zero contact and time are great healers.

[Applepear]

Thanks so much for your reply KIP. I know that everything you’re saying is true. I actually tried journaling like you suggested and it was one of the things that gave me the strength to leave. I did find it quite traumatic though and so I have avoided doing it again but I think I need to remind myself of the bad things so I can be strong enough to completely cut contact. I know what I have to do but like you said, it can be hard when they know how to make you feel guilty.

[KIP.]

Hey don’t be hard on yourself. It really is like brainwashing so just take baby steps and it’s painful to read about how we have been abused, even if it is in a journal x the good thing is you know it’s abuse. Just concentrate on yourself as no doubt you’re suffering too from his abuse x

[Applepear]

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot knowing someone has taken the time to listen to how I’m feeling without judging x

[KIP.]

No judging from me or anyone on here. We all know what it’s like. I left twice and was hooked back in. I think the average is 7 times to leave before leaving for good so it’s really difficult. Healing from Hidden Abuse is another good book by Shannon Thomas. Keep learning and reading other posts. You’re not alone x

[Snowy123]

Hi ApplePear

This is also my first post here but I’ve been reading for a long time. I left an abusive relationship lately and I can completely relate to how you are feeling, I have been feeling confused by the fact I feel so heartbroken and I still love him yet I can see clearly (even more so since leaving) just how badly he was abusing me. I just take each day and emotion as it comes, let it runs its course, and also I just write it all down to get it out.

Obviously every situation is different but I have come to terms with the fact that the nice times were not real and instead only to keep me there, I don’t think he ever really did love me, he may say he did – but “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft is an amazingly eye opening read I would recommend and will make you understand that their definition of love is different to ours. So maybe that makes it a little easier for me to stand my ground as I realise he didn’t love me.

Sending you love and strength x

[Applepear]

Hi snowy 123,

Thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Leaving is such a confusing and painful experience but I think that talking about it shows a lot of strength.

When you care about someone a lot it’s easy to make excuses for the things they do and. for me, I find myself dwelling on the good times because it is less painful than thinking about the bad times. I can really relate to what you say about feeling heartbroken even though I know that I couldn’t stay in that situation.

I’ll definitely take a look at the book you’ve recommended as it sounds like it could be really helpful.

I’m glad to hear that you have left, even though it must be very hard.
Sending my love and support to you x

[gettingtired]

Hello, well done for posting and joining the forum. I’m sure you will find it to be very supportive and not judgemental at all.
I’ve not left yet but I agree about googling trauma bonds, the cycle of abuse etc and I also agree that Why does he do that? book is a huge eye opener. I’m so scared of leaving because I know I’ll feel so guilty and my brain will keep reminding me of all the good times and forgetting the bad. I’m trying to take strength from other people’s posts on here who have left though.
Take care xx

[Applepear]

Hello, thank you so much for your advice. Since joining this forum I have learnt a lot and it has helped to validate my feelings. I think it’s quite normal to try and forget about the bad times as they can be quite upsetting to think about.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Leaving can be really difficult especially when you feel guilty. I try to remind myself constantly that I haven’t done anything wrong. Even if he hadn’t hurt me and the relationship had been healthy, I’d still have the right to leave him. I’m allowed to break up with someone regardless of anything else. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

I think KIP’s reply in this thread about baby steps is really helpful. It’s not always as easy as just leaving and cutting off contact. I haven’t been able to do that yet. Even doing doing something small towards leaving can feel like a lot.

Sending you love and strength x

[Author]

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