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No contact for several months since asked him to leave and things escalated ending in his arrest. Further incident since and breaches. Feel happier since even though no closure as won’t engage re divorce etc. But he’s now pronouncing to everyone how he’s stopped drinking for so many days etc and getting all these congratulatory comments. I am so confused. Don’t want him back but keep thinking what if he’s different off the drink. In a strange horrible way I wish he carried on drinking as it validates my position. Does that make sense?
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It does make sense. Both my parents were alcoholics and they both at some time stopped drinking but they both went back as soon as a crisis occurred. Or just because they could.
But the way they treated people didn’t change as such. Both could be cruel and quite vile even when sober. I think the drink just gave them more of an excuse to be horrid.
He has only been sober for a few days? If it was a few months or a year I would believe he had stopped but not a few days.
My instinct would be to stay away. You have done so well and as someone who is leaving very soon I can imagine the hope they have changed is quite strong.
Take care xx -
Yes it makes sense I look for validation in all the wrong places and when I don’t get it feel crushed and defeated. In fact you know what he is like listen to your voice and truth. You don’t need anymore evidence than that. Lots of people drink and are alcoholics and don’t abuse – it’s a choice. He chose to abuse you and breach etc etc etc and you have now chosen you deserve better – and so you do. Keep strong x*x
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Abusers and addicts are very good at telling everyone that they’ve changed. He expects applause and pats on the back. Has he apologised for his appalling behaviour? Nope – it’s only about him. And why, only now, has he found the will to ‘change’? Again, it’s all about him and what he thinks he can get from you – give up the drink and you owe him another chance. Don’t be confused. You don’t need any more vindication.
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You are right, there has never been any apology or even shred of remorse. I can feel that there will be many other people in my life that I will be losing contact with as he is getting peoplehis
side, telling him how well he’s doing etc. In some ways lockdown has made it easier , now I will have to start seeing people,and not sure how I’ll handle it. The bit I struggle to understand is some of the people supporting him have seen what he did to me. It’s made me v distrustful. But I do have 2 very good friends and children -
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It’s common for people to blame alcohol, drugs, mental illness for their abuse. Non of these things make them abusive. They may be a good excuse, something to blame but abuse is just in them. It doesn’t go away just because they are sober. They’re just better at hiding it when they’re sober.
Your true friends will stick by you and you nay well make new friends along the way. When you start to open up, you’ll be amazed by how many women have been through this. You may get to a stage where you can work out who has already walked this path. There’s something about women who have been there that you’ll recognise and most are very happy to jump in and support you. xx
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