Feeling confused again

[Hetty]

I can’t say too much because of identifiable information. Just looking for perspective and reassurance from wise women. My ex has sent a sentimental item for my child (not his child) and thinks I should give it to him. I haven’t and don’t want to as I think it would be triggering. My ex is saying I’m being cruel as my child should apparently know how well thought of he was. Another tactic to upset me I’m thinking? I haven’t got into a row about it and haven’t responded saying my child had it or not. I’m now questioning myself. Should I risk upsetting my child by sharing this item or bin it? Would it help my child see it wasn’t his fault that any of his happened or would it open old wounds that are starting to heal? Feeling confused and once again doubting myself x

[Darcy]

Good afternoon my beautiful angel … Hetty,
Do not doubt yourself… you have all the answers inside and know what is best for your child.
Nothing is worth upsetting yourself or your child.
Your ex (and remember he is now your ex so you owe him nothing) is just trying to be manipulative and get to you through your child.
You know exactly what is best for your child. I am sure you have done an excellent job of sharing and explaining what has needed to be explained already, so please don’t beat yourself up over this.
Ask yourself what benefits to yourself or your child would sharing this gift do? Secondly where does this gift giving end if you hand over the first one.
Set your boundaries now and be strong my darling, live in your power not his
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Hetty]

You’re right in terms of getting to me through my child. It’s like he’s gaslighting me. Your version of me can’t possibly be true because look how lovely and thoughtful I am. Thank you for your reply xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi Hetty,

Darcy is right, you know what to do already. Dont listen to him and his lies. This is manipulation plain and simple. Where was his concern for your child when he was screaming abuse at his mother? Send it back or bin it, whatever you want. No explanation, no discussion. Your son is nothing to do with him anymore and you do not have to explain yourself to him. These men are like toddlers, they’re happy with any attention, positive or negative they dont care. He’s trying to provoke a reaction from you, dont give him the satisfaction. Silence is power.
Sending strength and a big hug x*x

[Hetty]

Thanks for your support. I wanted to message him and say where was your care for my son when you were calling me a s**g and a c**t in front him?! Made me so mad. Another way for him to get under my skin and then I’ll be made out to be bad because I haven’t sent things to his kids. Yet why would I?! Once again doubting myself and thinking I am being cruel. His kids are young too though so they need keeping out of this mess even if that means a abrupt ending. I have to think of my child. So messy xx

[Diverdi]

Hi Hetty,

Sorry he’s making life hard for you. It’s so confusing when they do these gestures, makes it confusing and is so manipulative.
His response of calling you cruel shows his true side. A reasonable person would respect your choice of what you want to do for your child.

[Hetty]

You’re right. These apparent gestures of kindness for the kids are actually just making life hard for me and doing my head in 😢 He’s doing a few others things too but o can’t say on here as it would be too identifiable but basically these huge grand goodbye gestures. It’s like that way a needy person who doesn’t want to leave really shouts “BYE NOW, I’m really going, don’t stop me, I’m leaving now…” xx

[Author]

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