27th October 2022 at 3:46 pm #151219prisParticipant
im back because i ive noticed a huge downward trajectory in my mood. im now completely dependent on his mood which will decide the tone of my day. my partner is in another country at the moment while we figure out (removed by moderator). before he left i was on eggshells, his jealousy was out of control and i had no idea what would provoke a torrent of criticism and abusive texts, sometimes followed by randomly turning up at my house. i fawned and tried to be perfect…this was usually met with silent treatment and indifference from him peppered by moments of tenderness and love. i was tired and emotionally wobbly. it was affecting work. i tried to see his time away as an opportunity to rebuild and organise my life-ive also lost a lot of money to this relationship. i miss him desperately and he swings between indifference, aggression and accusations-especially if i go out at night, then romance and gentleness.
some of my friends know whats going on and are very critical of him, i understand this but it adds a layer of guilt and anxiety that really grinds me down. this isnt me-i travel alone, i love meeting new people, im naturally calm and pretty positive. at the moment i cry daily, i feel a sense of anticipatory loss and am worried hes cheating again, more than anything im so embarrassed to be in this position and not be able to walk away. but i worry for him all the time and just love him desperately. i hate how textbook this all sounds. sometimes when i try to point out that his behaviour is getting dangerous or is just hurtful he uses his background to explain a different approach, i try to be very respectful of our different backgrounds and his culture. its part of the person i love so i am sensitive to this kind of response. the unkindness is making me feel worthless and lonely, the silence makes me feel desperate. i guess rather than try to contact him today i thought i would write here.
i am simultaneously worried about how things will escalate when he returns and feel a desperate need for his presence. i feel completely stuck.
27th October 2022 at 11:49 pm #151239HereforhelpParticipant
Ho Pris, he has made sure you are lonely, you will become more and more isolated and dependent on him. He will have you doing most things and will punish you with silent treatment, unpredictable moods to shoe hid disproval.
He knows he is unkind and how it affects you, no matter how kind or respectful you are it won’t make any difference as it still will be wrong somehow. Your partner is abusive and will continue to treat you this way.
Read up on DA ❤️
31st October 2022 at 10:24 am #151319prisParticipant
Hereforhelp- thankyou for replying. I’m sorry to be so late in getting back to you. I just felt guilty as soon as I posted and have had a few days of the gentlest version of my partner who is planning his return home soon.
The thing is I’m well read in DV, I even know people who work in the field. I have moments when I realise where he and I are and how absurd it feels but i think there’s some cognitive dissonance about the situation on my part. I feel hugely protective of him for various reasons and honestly doubt my version of reality when there’s been some time for things to settle. I want my dignity back though, I can’t go forward with a steadily diminishing sense of value. I don’t know why the loss of him/this relationship is so unbearable-when we split last year I was haunted by seeing him upset and knowing I had hurt him by walking away although I knew it was a matter of self preservation/survival at the time. I still hold on to hope but I dread another outburst/incident.
I really appreciate your validation of my experience and your clarity and advice. I’m having trouble not feeling hugely disloyal by being here. Anyway, I’ll try to be more engaged. Thankyou-I hope youre safe and well xx
31st October 2022 at 8:57 pm #151328EyesopeningParticipant
Its trauma bondong and cognitive dissonance. Keep a journal to keep clarity.
Excuses are always made for abuse. My ex was foreign, he said he ‘was old fashioned’. Thats why he didn’t clean or help around the house. But if he really was old fashioned, would he have let mw pay for all rent, bills, even his spending money.?
They will say anything to excuse their behavior. It then becomes their voice in your head, you make the same excuses for him.
A really great book is: How he gets inside her head. Really recommend it
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