• This topic has 15 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Kaza.
Viewing 14 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #15349
      Serenity
      Participant

      Find some reason, it’s all hitting me again what he did, and I am feeling pretty low.

      He was- or maybe still is-with this other woman, and I wonder if he was or is different with her? Maybe he is nicer to her?

      But where will all that anger go? He can’t suppress it.

      Anyone who tells their child that he wants to dance on their grave and that he never wanted children and wishes they were dead isn’t normal, are they? So that poison must have to slip out with the next person, mustn’t it?

    • #15353
      undertherainbow
      Participant

      These men follow distinct patterns so I doubt it’s any different with his ‘new supply’. Sadly, she probably more than likely has it all to come if he’s not faced up to how he treated you and his children. I understand that low feeling, the bleaker days and it dragging you back down, hopefully as time goes by they’ll be less and less. Sending love Serenity xx

      • #15359
        Eve1
        Participant

        Sorry you’re feeling low.

        My ex is on his second partner since we split and this one looks like staying around. There’s just the two of them, so as long as she caters to his every whim, it’ll be ok. I sometimes want to say to her, does he have tantrums yet, sulk, throw things, swear, not listen to you….. the list goes on, but I never would. I’m sure he’s done his poor me routine well enough.

        Even if your ex has been nice at first, as you say, the mask will slip eventually.

        Hope you’re soon feeling better.

        x

    • #15358
      WanderingCloud
      Participant

      It never goes away. You are tortured whilst with them and more tortured when you leave due to the emotional damage they have caused.
      However don’t torture yourself thinking that there is a possibility he is nicer or treats her better than he ever did with you. As we know, they never change. Yes, they may initially suppress some of their traits whilst starting a new relationship, this is because they are clever at hiding things but the mask will eventually slip when he needs his own way in something and has come across some sort of resistance. They just cannot help themselves, all of the poison, all of the cruelty, all of the nastiness, all of the abuse, all of it is in their blood and will never go away.

    • #15363
      betterdays
      Participant

      Hi serenity this is what I think with mine. But as we know first hand we lived it the nightmare there being nice when they wanted something us living on eggshells anger outbursts evilness there’s no way they will be any different I’d just short of 2 decades he couldn’t change for me or his son so I’m dammed if he will be different with next….the mask will slip xx

    • #15377
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Do something nice for yourself.
      He will not be any different to the other woman.
      Celebrate every day that you got rid of him. x*x

    • #15382
      Lilycat
      Participant

      Wishing you sunshine and warmth, Serenity.

      I do find myself speculating what the fortunes of my abusers are, and just having them pop into my head makes me feel low. So,I do empathise.

      Well, such people rarely change. And this change only comes about with profound self-realisation, reflection and, in many cases, therapy. But, we who have been part-crushed in their wake must tell ourselves that these people are not infants, they are not our children. We have no responsibility towards changing them. They are poisonous if we try.

      Take care

      Lilycat x*x

    • #15387
      White Rose
      Participant

      It’s that crazy rollercoaster again. You think it’s slowing down then it takes you round again.
      Chin up you’re doing fine.
      It’s what they do to our children that hurts the most. My “worthless little s**t” who he was “ashamed of and never wanted in the first place” who “is so selfish she never does b****r all for anyone else” is slowly recovering from her abuse and that reassures me that there will be a time when this will fade and more days will be good days.
      Don’t worry about his other women sadly you can’t do anything to protect them but look at what you did for you and your sons.
      Hope you feel brighter tomorrow xx

    • #15396
      Serenity
      Participant

      Thank you, all.

      I am thinking of something Ayanna put on another post- that abusers ‘always need to hurt someone.’ That bus right, they do, they always need a focus point for their abuse, but is that me with the city tinting abuse, or will he repeat the patterns with the next woman?

      I do know now that he dumped his ex before me very unceremoniously, as he did me ( I only found out years after I met him).

    • #15407
      Serenity
      Participant

      PS I think it’s hitting me, because it’s coming up to the anniversary of a horrible date!

    • #15408
      Serenity
      Participant

      Sorry for typing errors in other post.

      I meant: that is right,

      Is that me with the continuing abuse

    • #15415
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there, I’m a firm believer in the cycle of abuse and that we actually carry it on in ourselves for a long time after our abusers leave. Tomorrow will be a better day❤️

    • #15444
      Starmoon
      Participant

      What horrible things to say to a child!! Gah these men. It’s awful that he still had the power to send your head spinning.
      I spoke to one of his exs… She confirmed that it took her years to get over the hell he put her threw. That’s not a coincidence surely. When he found out id spoken to her he referred to the girl he’d been with for a number of years and moved to another country with him as exess bagge! Begs the question why I still look for reasons that I’m to blame lol.
      Anyway it seems obvious that these men treat everyone the same. Maybe if he’s met a woman that never ever questions him, that panders to his every whim.. Maybe it’s different. But that in its self is abuse- what life would she have. Hopefully there will come a day for us all that we are confident that they are abusers and it doesn’t matter what we did… They would’ve still abused us. So we shouldn’t care what they are doing anymore. Because we are better off rid of them

    • #15456
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      I think sometimes we just have triggers and it sets us off all that anger returns, i contionously think why did ex and the ex b in law treat me the way they did, we will never get answers from them they are just evil, i even had nightmare about them last night that they were trying to kill me. Try and not waste your energy thinking how is he treating the other lady, he never treated u right and thats what is important , take each day as a healer, i think its so important to cry all the pain out, i get days where i think im still blocking parts out as too painful but am forcing myself to face up to it

    • #15499
      godschild
      Participant

      Sending yo a hug serenity, the anniversary may well be a trigger,dates and events do remind us even if it is an unconcious memory, you will pick up again, you have sounded so strong and given such good advise to others, be kind to yourself and allowed yourself to feel as you do it may bring healing.

    • #15512
      Kaza
      Participant

      I feel sad and lonely today. Trying to still do the no contact rule. Its true we have good days and bad days. I just started the freedom programme again and pattern changing last week, and it is really helping me.

      I know everyone is right it takes time to heal, but I just keep wondering how long. I hate feeling like this.

Viewing 14 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account