Feeling disloyal

[Jfloorkt]

I feel like I’m being very disloyal posting here, but I am at the end of my tether and I really can’t decide whether this is domestic abuse, because sometimes he’s nice and sometimes he’s awful (mostly awful).

He can be nice, he can be reasonable but I’m so tired of having to beg him to be these things. These are some things that happen regularly…

* Being accused of having an affair if I look at my phone
* Being told I’m a c***, a user, fat pig, ugly, useless, lazy etc etc
* Being woken up and shouted at at 4 in the morning if I’ve done something to p**s him off the night before
* I do all the cooking and yet I’m always dictated to what I cook and what time he wants dinner
* Never being able to watch any televisions programmes I like, or being made to feel stupid or weird if I say I might like to watch something
* Having to listen to criticism of my friends and family, myself and our daughter and actually women in general
* He starts drinking at 4 every day and is drunk by 7
* Never being able to go anywhere with him because there will always be an incident of some kind (road rage or I’ll do something wrong)
* If we are out together in public I can’t relax because I never know how he’ll behave and I’m very nervous of what he’ll do or if someone will offend him
* He always puts me down in front of my family

Since our daughter was born I have worked part time, I pay (detail removed by moderator) of my wage into our household account – he pays not much more than me in £, yet earns more than double my wage. I have very little money left from that and yet I’m always being accused of not contributing. I have done all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, childcare over the years plus I work and according to him my contribution is zero.

I don’t drink because I’ve always felt that one person should be sober and he’s so out of control that I need to stay in control – for that I’m accused of being uptight, never letting my hair down, being boring.

Occasionally he’ll do something like give me some money to get some clothes…days later he will throw it back in my face and call me a user. He paid for lions share of our holiday, I made a good contribution too but for days he’s been nasty to me and it’s finally come out that he expects me to pay half – I’ve had to give him the spending money I’ve saved up. He’s back to being friendly again.

There have been so, so many incidents. Every door in my house has a hole in it where he’s punched it, he’s broken so many things.

I’m never allowed to talk about anything he’s done because all I ever do is ‘drag up the past’.

Money is a major issue for him…he will spend whatever he wants on himself and will be extremely extravagant on himself. For many years he abused cocaine, spending thousands of pounds on his habit whilst I would have nothing in my purse. Increasingly he has been threatening to take away my account card so I can’t food shop. This came about because (detail removed by moderator) – he subsequently decreased the amount he puts in the joint account.

Anything that goes wrong is my fault, I’m incompetent, useless. And yet, if I blamed him for anything, all hell would break loose.

I’m not perfect, I’m overweight, I haven’t taken care of myself, I am ugly and dull. When I’m around nice people I know I can still sparkle a bit but I’m suffering with anxiety, I live on my nerves and feel stressed out a lot. He now works from home, according to him it’s a very stressful, important job, yet he’s always lying on the sofa when I get in and, as mentioned he starts drinking during work hours. So, my stress has increased because of his constant presence. He rarely leaves the house. I spend most of my time either upstairs hiding away from him or in the kitchen.

This spills out of me so easily and there’s so much more I could mention, but I continue to appease, continue to beg. I feel so weak, stupid and so terribly ashamed. I really need some help x

[KIP.]

Sorry to read and run but google trauma bonding. Cycle of abuse. Ring the helpline number on here and contact your local women’s aid for help x read Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. None of this is your fault x they simply change the goal posts x

[fridges]

Sorry, to let you know, but you are abused. What you are going through now is very similar type of abuser which I had, it was my first one abusive relationship.
What he is doing is not ok, and that he constantly make ugly remarks about your look is not ok too.
To marry you – he saw you beautiful at first place. By saying you all these stuff, he takes value away from you, self respect, he is kind of chipping off piece by piece from you.
You are not ugly, and that you are even a bit overweight, it does give him the right to tell bad things to you or judge you. Many women are not size 6/8 and it does not make them ugly.
You have money abuse – have been there. You are left without money, do you know why?
So that you will have the options closed, many doors are closed when you do not have money. And to leave him too.

Call women’s aid – hope they will be able to give the permanent person to talk to in your area.

good you are sharing. it is the very first step to open up, when you open up, you take power away from him.

Lots of love

[White Rose]

Hi there. The fact you’ve found this site and posted probably gives you the answer to your own question. What you describe is abusive behaviour. You sound under a lot of stress and very anxious.
Seek some help from helpline, read about abuse, chat with your GP maybe if you’re feeling down or unduly anxious, and keep safe x*x

[Ayanna]

Call Womens Aid and Rights of Women.
You need to plan how to live on your own.
This man abuses you badly.
You do not deserve this.

[Sunflowersandstars]

Don’t feel disloyal to him- he does not treat you well and that’s HIS decision, now that you are realising it you don’t need to accept it anymore. Reach out to people and run in the opposite direction of him. You deserve so much better. This is all really familiar things I accepted and I can’t express to you how much happier I am without him. Start recording things- call the police or a helpline, visit your doctor but please don’t ignore it or excuse it. I started writing poems/songs to get my feelings out and reading them back opened my eyes so I would encourage keeping a diary or something so you can see how frequently it all happens. I wish you lots of love and strength.
SaS

[Jfloorkt]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I’ve been reading about trauma bonds and yes, sadly, it does sound very familiar. I feel like a fog is lifting and I’m starting to see more clearly the things he does, the psychological games he plays and how he keeps me on edge because I never know if he’s going to turn on me. I challenged him over something, I told him I was entitled to my own opinion!! That shocked him.

I was such a happy go-lucky, free spirited young woman when I met him, and he promised me the security that deep down I really craved. I feel so b****y stupid for wasting my life with him.

I want to say thank you for believing me, I’ve been told by him many times that I’m mad or I play the victim so I do wonder if it’s something in my personality! Ironically, I’m so often a sympathetic ear for other people, but I’ve never had the courage to tell anyone what goes on in my own life.

I will contact the helpline, I’m financially dependent on him so extricating myself will not be easy, I’ve known that and despaired about that for a long time. i realise also that he will never leave me despite being told that I’m such a poor excuse for a woman.

Lots of love, right back to you all x

[Anonymous]

This is such good news. So glad you posted and so glad you followed advice and saw for yourself. Your eyes have been opened, find out more. There’s lots to learn. You must look after yourself now. You will need your physical and emotional strength. Love to you too x

[Author]

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