30th December 2015 at 7:48 am #6777Midnight MarblesParticipant
Just have to put this down somewhere to get it out of my head.
For a few days I’ve been struggling, I’m finding I have real hate for him, he’s being ok at the mo, since realising what he’s been doing to me for decades I’ve gone through lots of different emotions and this one is really hard not to show.
I find everything he says is really making me angry, it’s all either laced with foul language or not something I would agree with, which he then keeps asking if I agree to which I have to say I agree or he sulks/aggressive.
I can’t stand him near me, if he tries to touch me I get out of the way if I can do it with out him noticing. I don’t want to talk to him at all or have anything to do with him.
I can normally just get on with it and make myself accept all his ways but now I just feel contempt towards him.
It’s definitely easier to just get on with it but I’m finding it harder and harder and I’m worried he’ll notice and there will be an almighty row and then we’ll be ok again for a while, but then I’ll be so disappointed I haven’t tried to get away.
I’m down and don’t want him to know.
Also I want him to look for a job but no joy there either so another month with him say at home, makes me more angry. Why do I keep all this inside? I used to tell him but now I can’t be bothered because I have done so much in the past and it makes no difference at all.
Sorry for down post, but this might just stop it going around and around in my head.
30th December 2015 at 9:12 am #6778Falling SkysParticipant
I know exactly what you are feeling its like we have lived the same life.
I use to answer back and he would say “You always have to have the last word”, then I couldn’t be asked because it never improved the situation so he say “You’ve lost your spirt” Think thats call damed if you do and damed if you don’t.
I feel very angry when I have to see him, I feel totally repulsed by him, dogs pooh is more appealing. Im sure these feeling are because we are accepting to our self’s what these men are and we are seeing them for what they are.
On the flip side I get angry with myself for letting him get away with it. But I use to say it was wrong, but he ignored me. Don’t be too hard on yourself. x
When you have been a longer termer as I was/am as long as your safety isn’t compromised there is no rush to get out. Think, get advice for a new life we have spent decades in abuse a little longer if its to our benefit will not be wasted.
30th December 2015 at 5:19 pm #6796White RoseParticipant
Its a horrible realization.
I felt absolute revulsion when he was near me once I came to my senses and it had dawned on me I was the subject of his abuse.
Falling skies is right. Take time as long as you’re safe to do that and plan carefully if you are going to leave him.
I think we’re all a bit stir crazy after all the bank holidays and that’s not helping.
Keep positive xx
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