Feeling empty and low and SO tired

[iliketea]

Not sure where the right place is to post, “Im having a bad day” and its “life after an abusive relationship” and probably a couple of other categories too.

I feel really really down. Really slow, low and down. Been creeping over me for the last month. Trying to understand it and if it is normal. I am going to my GP next week and have had blood tests so waiting for results. Got turned down for subsidised trauma therapy as I wasn’t “traumitised enough” apparently! Didn’t show enough signs in the 50 minute assessment with two total strangers…Local DV support has ended now too, not that it was much, but it was nice to be able to talk to someone once a month.

Its been a long time since I left, and the legal side of things are nearly over. Nothing to celebrate, this c**p never is is it, I wish I’d never met him and wish I’d never had children with him. My child is really struggling, much more than before. Not sure if its trauma coming out, or if there is ongoing emotional abuse at the dads. Ive tried to get them support, they’ve meant to have had some but seems to have made it worse. School not a lot of help, being passed from one agency to another, saying that X were meant to help so Y can’t get involved. Have a referral for an NHS assessment but told it could be over a year. Which in a child’s life is a long time.

Is this “normal”? Feeling like this, after so long? Just can’t seem to get my mojo back. Don’t know if its my age, started on (detail removed by moderator) so it should be settled now. But this dead feeling is new to me and Im wondering if it is that. This time a year ago I felt so full of hope for my new life, lots of plans, and exciting ideas for the future, now Im struggling to see one, or see what it will look like. Days just feel like drudgery, same old stuff, dont have any friends, seem to have a spate of run ins with sort of aquaintenaces lately too – always when I try to maintain a boundary – and they don’t like it. And turn into vile horrible human beings. Its like constantly pressing repeat. Even though Im meant to have had therapy, understood abuse, it still happens, even though its extended, Im making myself more and more isolated as I don’t think I do people anymore, or know how to do people, friendships. I don’t know, Im so over everything at the moment.

Perhaps its Ukraine, (detail removed by Moderator) I don’t know, its everything, the world feels so depressing at the moment, (detail removed by Moderator)

Now im going on, can anyone understand, I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to pay for trauma therapy but think I really need it. Don’t know where to turn for help. Feel so tired all the time, cant get motivated to do anything, am already on anti-ds dont want to be drugged anymore than I am, and just dont think thats the answer, not sure what is. Not sure what I want. If I didnt have kids Im not sure Id want to be here. But I couldnt do that to them.

Not even sure why Im posting. Just to ask is this normal, afterwards, so long afterwards? I read about people moving onto to new relationships, much sooner than where I am now. I couldnt contemplate it, not even for a nanosecond. Im not sure I want to be close to anyone ever again. Maybe theres something wrong with me. Ug. Its spring, I usually love spring.

[nbumblebee]

I cant help much as im s**t but i wanted to reach out give you some love n hugs.
I do believe that after such a bad bad time even now youve left you are gonna have days weeks months where you feel low exhausted and just done is it any wonder you spent years and years fighting him for yourself your family your life its bound to still hurt and my guess is it always will but as each day passes maybe it hurts a little less. Just keep reminding yourself just how b****y amazing you really are.
Sending you big hugs xxxx

[Darkclouds321]

Hold on in there. In only at the start of this and I feel so drained so I can imagine how you are feeling.
It so hard when you have kids together, makes it a lot more complicated. I’m trying to protect our child from him now as he was very physically abusive.
He is just getting on with his life spreading lies
While I’m trying to hold it all together. I have had days abd good days, this week has actually been ok for me which has been a surprise.
Try do things you like distract yourself, let yourself find you. Big hugs x*x

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. You seem to have a thorough understanding of your difficulties and why you might be struggling. You have been through trauma and now feel you have little support for yourself and your child. That’s a tough place to be. I hear you saying you would really benefit from some therapy, some space to process everything you’ve been through. I’m wondering how you were turned down for free trauma therapy and whether is something that your GP could seek to support you on… you sound very low and querying whether life is worth living.. surely a serious sign of the impact of trauma? There are self-help books of various kinds for trauma, is that something you could start with as you could just read a little each day and do the exercises/work at your own pace? I also wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in having these feelings tears down the line. I still struggle a lot at times and have very low points and I’ve had counselling for a while now. There are still lots of triggers, it still feels like an uphill battle at times dealing with work, issues with the children on top of maintaining ongoing contact with my ex due to having children together. I definitely see people in a different way now, am less positive about them abs expect the worst so keep an emotional distance. Don’t feel you should be ready for a relationship at any specific point… I got into one too soon and it was another terrible experience really so having time to fully heal is really important. A lot of the time I just feel that my focus is my children who need me and I am lucky to have them (even though yes I have had the same thoughts at times about wishing I’ve never met my ex and had children). When I’m struggling I try to find something in my day with them that was meaningful, joyful even if it was only a small thing that we did or shared. I also try to focus on anything little or big thing I can do to help others, be that at work, a friend or a message of support on here. I hope you are feeling a bit more hopeful soon and that the messages you receive on here help you feel less alone.

[liftingthefog]

Iliketea,
I understand what you are saying. I am only (detail removed by Moderator) months in and the emotions are so complex I struggle to understand them.
I think even with the trauma and all that goes with it, we are also going through a grieving process at the same time. They say grief takes two years to work though it’s various stages.
We grieve for the love we once had for them, we grieve the hope we had that there would be change, we grieve the loss of our family unit and we grieve often the loss of our home .. that is on top of the inevitable trauma that comes with abuse.
Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself this time to feel low and heal, I would try and reconnect with your Gp if you think that you need more support.
Please be kind and don’t punish yourself for feeling this way.
Sending hugs and much love.
xx

[iliketea]

Thank you. Xx

[Lottieblue]

Just to let you know that I hear you, ILT, and am here.
Glad you’re seeing the GP – trying to be as open as you can.
x*x

[Hazydayz]

Feeling for you💐

[cakepops]

I am years out, and yet I still regularly go through periods where I feel like this. I sometimes regret leaving my abuser because I still have to deal with his behaviour via family court, CMS, impact on the kids and all the other ways he finds to cause issues. At the same time I’m worse off financially, practically and socially, and have to watch him having ‘happily’ moved on with a longterm relationship. BUT then I remember that I have much more control over many aspects of my life than I used to, and I try my best to compartmentalise things e.g. doing all the paperwork and chasing referrals for my child (similar issues from the sounds of it) when they are not with me. IT does also help a little to remember that my ex can’t be as happy as he appears to be or he wouldn’t be so obsessed with causing issues.

NHS referrals for adults actually take far less time than for children, at least in my area. My child was referred before me, but I have had CBT and meanwhile my child is still waiting for help (not helped by his Dad insisting he is totally fine). I’d really recommend trying CBT if you haven’t already. I wish I had answers about how to help your child but I am in the exact same situation. I think as they get older they are more aware of the control and manipulation etc, but aren’t able to understand or express it.

I would go back to woman’s aid and ask if there’s any more support they can give you, or if they have support services for children. As hard as it is, try to get enough exercise, sleep and eat as well as you can as these things will help too.

The big thing I changed that has helped is planning ahead. When I don’t have my kids it can be particularly tough, so I make sure I have food to cook that I will enjoy to motivate me. I have joined a women’s walking group and sign up for walks some weekends so I feel obliged to go (I never want to, but do always enjoy them). I also book in things to look forward to with my kids so there are always positives coming up, even if it is just making the effort to go to a new park or walk.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about struggles to access support for children. There is a lot that you can do to help and support your children that will make a difference to their well-being. There are a couple of good books that offer ideas for supporting your children’s emotional security and development… The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson and Everyday Parenting with Security and Love by Kim Golding.

[Author]

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