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    • #163627
      Atsah
      Participant

      Had an assessment today didn’t think it would be so hard talking about it all again was a mess after phonecall.had counselling in the past but just general they are trying to get me counselling with someone who specialises in DV now which hopefully will be a good thing altho the thought of going over it all again scares me

    • #163640
      browneyedmum
      Participant

      It is exhausting going over it all and a great step if they are sourcing a therapist who’s a DV specialist. Good on you for doing it.

      • #163653
        Atsah
        Participant

        Thanks so much.It’s so comforting to be on here and have others who totally understand what i am going through.

    • #163641
      Intr0vert
      Participant

      I’m happy to hear you’ve had your assessment. I have mine this evening at 6PM. I have a lot of anxiety already.. I hope you get your counselling and start to feel better soon x

    • #163655
      Atsah
      Participant

      Thanks so much.I hope your assessment went well as could do.I hope you are feeling ok.It takes so much out of you, totally draining.

    • #163713
      LookingUp
      Participant

      Hi, it is so exhausting going over and over it with police, IDVA’s, counsellor, friends and family etc. I found I wanted to shut down and block it out, but you can’t. I’ve now been referred for specialist trauma therapy as talking therapy hasn’t worked for me. I’m dreading having to go through it all again with someone new, but I know it will be worth it if the therapy helps. And maybe, although it is hard and exhausting, talking about it reminds us what we’ve been through, helps us process it and make sense of it, and find strength. I do however only have certain friends I talk to about it and others I keep separate, so I can let it out, but also be distracted and try to enjoy moments of ‘normal’ life. I’ve also recently started meditating, just a few minutes at a time using an app, but it gives me a few moments of peace. Keep strong, and keep talking x*x

    • #163720
      Atsah
      Participant

      It surprised me how hard the assessment hit me.I left him years ago and most of the time I get through ok but then just all creeps up on you again.I have started a course on Bloom.When i was in the marriage for many years i felt like i wasn’t really there, i know i cared for my children and did day to day things and went to work etc but it is then hard to explain to friends when they say you should of left him years ago.it was like i was in a trance just about existing.on the Bloom course they explained this feeling really well and that it is caused by the body reacting to significant trauma.I still find it really hard that when my children ask things about their childhood it’s like i have blocked it all out.It makes me feel sad that i have no real lovely memories of them growing up and the fact i stayed and didn’t leave earlier.This is what i am really annoyed with myself at the moment i should of done more but instead of that i just stayed and they had to go through such awful times.it really breaks my heart.

      • #163732
        Butterfly-A
        Participant

        Hi Atsah,

        I hope you are feeling better now.

        I can only imagine how hard it is to go through it again and again with different people and everyone will have a slightly different reaction which will bring up different emotions.

        I just wanted to comment on the last part you wrote about being annoyed with yourself for not leaving sooner. I Think its really important to remember that at that time you did what you thought was best for your children, you coped with it and provided them the care that they needed at the time to allow them to be who they are today. You did everything you could and although it feels like you didn’t do enough it was all a process for where you are today. You may not have all the memories you wish to of their childhood but you do now have the freedom and choice to make new memories with them. The past is the past but the present and future is yours to make whatever you want of it.

        Be kind to yourself, you are braver than you think.

    • #163740
      Atsah
      Participant

      Thanks for your kind words.my friend says the same as you to me but it’s just hard believing it.hopefully the specialist counselling will helpme sort my thoughts out.

    • #163813
      Atsah
      Participant

      Spent days trying to get counselling after my assessment have been signposted to several different organisations who have specialist DV counsellors and then told i am either out of the postcode area or they are too far away then now gone full circle and been told to go back to doctor to get a referral done or to pay for a psychotherapist which i really can’t afford to do.Starting to struggle at work can’t concentrate got to get through training tomo.feel like i am bothering my best friend all the time texting her, talking to her she says it’s fine but i just feel such a misery all the time trying my best to just function on a daily basis.sorry to moan it’s just been a bad day and just needed to talk about it.

      • #163861
        Butterfly-A
        Participant

        Hi Atsah,

        Is there an option to have the counselling online?

        I spoke to womensaid on live chat a couple of weeks back and the advisor sent me a link to one that accepts online referrals, it was different part of country to where I live so assuming they dont have a catchment area.

      • #163949
        browneyedmum
        Participant

        My local domestic abuse services did have a group therapy session set up for online, however because my husband’s always home during the time that they have that session… it was deemed unsafe for everyone.

        Next month though, maybe I can go for face to face therapy there.

    • #163852
      Intr0vert
      Participant

      Sorry you are feeling this way.. you can always come on here when you feel like you need to vent. I think on this forum, the majority of us can honestly say we fully understand where you are coming from.. Sorry to hear about the counselling aswell. (detail removed by Moderator)? I have a friend who is getting her counselling from (detail removed by Moderator). I am going down that same route.. is this what you did? My assessment is (detail removed by Moderator) and now I’m a little worried.

      Dont give up hope. Come on here anytime you need to rant. You can even DM me privately if you wish. Sending you lots of hugs x

    • #163887
      Atsah
      Participant

      Thanks all for the support.I asked about the option of online counselling but noone said they could do it and just kept saying you are out of area or offering general counselling rather than specialist and need a referral from doctor etc i have phoned doc today and left a message so hoping she will refer me.had really bad morning got to work and was so anxious i couldn’t concentrate felt like my head was going to explode that’s the worse part that you can never escape your thoughts for long.i went and sat in car in the end and phoned Samaritans just needed to off load on someone other than a friend although my friend did talk to me after because she noticed i was upset.i think when i had the assessment lots of stuff i had tried to hide came out again and i was a mess and then it was well you need specialist DV counselling now then couldn’t get that and was left to sort my head out again.It’s just so exhausting masking the PTSD and anxiety at work then coming home and getting very little sleep.i had 2 hours last night i don’t sleep much anyway but really bad last night.sorry to moan again you all know what it’s like.I really appreciate the messages you have left me.thanks

    • #163914
      Intr0vert
      Participant

      Hopefully your doctor can refer you so that you can get the help and support you need. I know how you feel. It is incredibly overwhelming and your body is just completely overloaded with cortisol. You can’t sleep, can’t focus or anything. Don’t be sorry or feeling bad for moaning. That’s what this forum is for. We are all here for support. Whether needing it or providing it. Is there anything that makes you happy right now? X

    • #163951
      swanlake
      Participant

      I feel fortunate that I was able to contact my local domestic violence people directly and get on their waiting list for counselling. I’m sorry that there’s such a difficulty for you finding that specialist help.
      I have antidepressants and can ‘only’ work part time at the moment. I’m able to volunteer so that keeps me busy if I need to be without the same demand to be present as at work.

    • #163961
      Atsah
      Participant

      Thanks everyone.i am seeing Doc this week so hoping she will have done referral.i appreciate i am in a better position than some of you having left years ago and i am really trying to get my head together again,do get so annoyed that i had started to manage this the anxiety and PTSD then after many months back here again so now battling again as we all do on a daily basis.just hard as you know not to give in to it all.you have all been amazing on here so thanks we will all beat this together because our abusers mustn’t win x

      • #163969
        browneyedmum
        Participant

        Also, just be kind to yourself. I’m not certain you’ve given yourself enough slack from past experiences where you weren’t properly informed… and then just forgiving yourself there. You did the best with what you knew at that time. xX.

    • #164005
      Atsah
      Participant

      Tried really hard to be happy and ‘normal’ today especially with my poor friends who have been putting up with me being a misery last few weeks.had a reasonable day.my friend took me to work cos my car was making an awful noise and then i drove the car at night and it was ok i don’t know what it was but then i thought i really messed my friend around and it made me feel stupid that the car seemed ok now after she given me lift. then got home had a parking fine because used be allowed 3 hours and now changed to 2 i should of checked but didn’t so my own fault but was so cross with self for not realising.then anxiety kicked in really bad and i was texting my friend sounding off but then that made me worse cos i thought i would annoy her (which i didn’t) but in my head i did think i had so then cross with self again.Then could just hear the ex saying stupid b**ch that’s your own fault, couldn’t you even read the sign,you are so thick and ffing useless..now i can’t sleep because in a state.so venting on here again!

    • #164088
      Atsah
      Participant

      Saw the doc who was lovely last time but rushing this time because running late with appts.i said could she do the referral she said they don’t usually refer for counselling and she doesn’t know where she would refer to.she offered me more medication then i was on my way.had a really bad day yest just feel let down thought might actually get some counselling sorted.now i feel like just putting all the thoughts and anxiety away again i can’t deal with it anymore and i don’t want be on tablets either.just need to talk on here because feeling rubbish today

    • #164149
      Atsah
      Participant

      Why does it not get any better.i feel like i am having more bad days that better days now.A friend who i am close to and confide in is leaving work in a few days as well and i know we will keep in touch but just feel so alone even though i have family and other friends.just seeing someone who you can trust and talk to every day really helps and now it’s going be so much harder to get through the day.i am self referring to a group where i was told by an other organisation that they wouldn’t accept me because of being out the area that they will accept me now but 9 months waiting list for counselling.

    • #164985
      Atsah
      Participant

      Just needed to vent..had really bad evening.i have been asked to try to write my feelings down.i started doing this but then anxiety kicked in big time as i wrote things down that had happened in the past and recently. I have been out with friends for last few days and actually relaxed a bit then back to it all again.constant battles in my head, overthinking and feeling so crossed with self for letting it get to me again.i am even thinking wonder if my friends had agood time going out with me,they said they did but were they just saying that.then can hear the ex’s voice why would they want be friends with you for, you are stupid, you are boring…just want to scream …will i never escape him

      • #165003
        spiritedaway
        Participant

        deep breath, your friends mean it and are likely extremely happy to see you on this journey. It is hard and anxiety is awful, I have days I just want to hide or I’m so restless I just have to get out and walk till my heart is pounding it all out.
        I’ve have started writing to and to balance it out I make sure to write what I am grateful for as well. It helps me see that there are things to be happy and thankful for.
        It will get better for us, keep going and keep sharing. (I need to listen to these words myself)

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