Feeling expected to be “over it” by family and friends

[Littlevoice]

I left my abusive partner (detail removed by Moderator) months ago and since then it has pretty much been continuous stress and hell during the process of giving statements to various services, (detail removed by Moderator), him refusing to leave the property.

I am now safe but living alone in the house we used to live in together. My mental health is terrible, I am barely sleeping but trying to hold it together for the sake of my parents and so I don’t lose the part time job I have left.

After much persuasion from my family and friends I have agreed that my ex can have sole ownership of our dog who is currently with me. I was and am desperate to keep her – we paid half each and I did most if not all of the daily care of her. However he has made it clear he will take me to court over ownership and will continue to indirectly harass me until I give her to him.

I am heartbroken. My loved ones are saying that the only way to ensure he is out of my life for good is to just give him our dog so there is no further connection between us. I don’t believe he truly wants the dog and is just using her as a tool to hurt me however I also am not sure if I can handle months and years of him trying to contact or fight me over this which I know he will.

The whole break up and the trauma of the relationship feels so fresh to me – Not a minute goes past when I don’t think about him or us or the pain of what is to come. I can’t think about the future, present or past. I have tried to reach out to my gp and various services but they all just direct me to one another.
I do talk to my family and friends about how difficult I am finding everything but I can tell they are now getting tired of listening to me or hearing me say the same things. Friends have stopped responding to messages. I feel so alone.

Not to offend anyone but to me it feels like a similar experience to when I have had a loved one die – in the immediate aftermath people are quick to gather round and offer support, to help fight the fire. But now I am left standing here in a pile of ashes with no hope or motivation or clue on how to rebuild. I think others think I should be moving on, that he is now almost out of my life and then I will be fine! My Dad has even said as such. That once I have given him our dog I can “move on and get over it and find someone nice to be with”

I don’t feel like I will ever get over it. My whole world view has been shattered. How can I just get on with life? The future seems hopeless.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Littlevoice

I am so sorry for what you have been through and how your family are putting you under further pressure to let your cleaRly very loved dog go to him.

Believe me, if its not the dog, it will be something else. You acceding to his requests will not make him stop.

You need to keep your dog and get a non-molestation order against him. Be careful when you are out with your dog that he doesn’t attempt to sn atch it!

You can demonstrate that he has only shown interest in the dog since your separation/court case, and maybe offer to pay back his half of what he paid to recompense him for his outlay, but the interests of the dog are best served with the one who has looked after him all this time.

The important aspect of these abusive relationships is that you start to prioritise yourself, and be clear with yourself what matters to you. It really doesn’t matter what your family think when it comes to this, and I can see why they would say oh let him have the dog, but we know that abusers can’t be appeased, ever, and you will suffer the pain of losing your dog, and knowing that potentially it will be ill treated, as that is common for abusers, to neglect or ill-treat their animals. Protect your dog, and yourself, and urgently change your GP to one who will take you seriously and support you properly.

Sending you strength

warmest wishes

ts

[gettingtired]

I agree with TS, don’t hand the dog over to him. He will not just suddenly be reasonable and leave you once you’ve done this. I’m sorry you feel so alone, you’re being advised by people who do not understand domestic abuse. There’s a great book I’d recommend reading called ‘Out of the fog’ clarity after n**********c abuse, it explains about well intentioned bad advice we often receive, particularly from family and close friends.
It’s really not as simple as handing the dog over, moving on and meeting someone nice as your Dad says.
I’m in sort of a similar dilemma where our pet (which he bullied me into getting in the first place) is a massive factor in keeping me stuck; I’m terrified of how he’ll react when I do leave with our pet. The thing is I do the majority of the health/welfare care for the pet and I don’t trust that he wouldn’t use it as a weapon to continue his control after I leave. They leave us with no choice.
Take care and keeping reaching out on here xx

[Littlevoice]

It’s too late I have already agreed now and put in writing that he can have sole ownership of the dog and a date and time has been arranged for a third party to give her to him :’(

(detail removed by Moderator) the terms of those are in place however it was agreed he could continue to email my Dad to resolve ownership of our dog. This is why there was a lot of pressure from family as my Dad was then receiving countless angry emails from him about my refusal to give her up and I felt guilty putting my Dad through that.

I don’t believe he would abuse the dog (but then I never thought he would abuse me) but I do know his needs will always be put first and that she will not receive the level of care she does from me. He only cares about himself and although I think he loves her – he has no concept of responsibility and he loves her only when it’s convenient to him. Raining? No he’s not walking the dog? He wants to go to the pub? Not walking the dog. Hungover? Dog can wait until the afternoon to be fed and walked when he finally drags himself out of bed.

He is used to me picking up all the responsibility for everything in his life… whether now we are apart he has been forced to do it himself I don’t know. I did everything for him it was like being with a young child.

Thank you for the book recommendation I will check it out.

I just don’t know how to move past all this. I want to move to a different part of the country, move house.. the thought of being in the same place as him and seeing him out and about with our dog is unbearable. He has already said that he intends to still go to the pub (detail removed by Moderator) from my house and walk our dog in the park (detail removed by Moderator) – even though he now lives (detail removed by Moderator) minutes away near 2 other parks and by loads of pubs so there is really no need for him to come this way other than to torture me.

Why can’t he just let me have our dog and leave me alone :’( it seems like he is determined to continue to make my life hell and will never stop. I don’t know what more he wants from me.. I gave him everything sacrificed everything. I feel like he won’t be satisfied until my life is completely destroyed.

[Twisted Sister]

Your ‘agreement’ to hand over the dog is not legal! You have done it under excessive coercion, and you need to say this, write to the court to advise them of the ongoing abuse via your father, a third party that your ex is using to continue to hurt you.

There is no reason whatsoever that you have to agree to an undertaking.

You are still being abused and you are being taken for a ride. He needs a non-mol with the power of arrest.

Write to the court to stop the abuse urgently.

you may be apart but you are still being abused, and all contact must stop.

He won’t ‘let’ you have anything, its not a matter of him ‘allowing’ you, or ‘letting’ you, you have to tell court what your terms are and stick to them, and any and all contact with him must be withdrawn via a non-mol with power of arrest to stop the abuse and then you won’t be saying and suffering what you are currently.

Your family have no idea and you need to stop listening to them, this is your life, not theirs, they haven’t a clue whta they are doing to you. You need outside help from those who understand how it works, especially whilst you are so vulnerable and agreeing to things you are so unhappy about, including using your family to coerce you, its revolting, and I am sorry that you are being subjected to such horrible pressure from your own family as well as him.

The court is there to see fair play, make sure they hear your voice and write to them explaining the ongoing coercion and that actually you don’t agree, you only agreed due to further coercion and fear.

Build yourself up, prioritise your needs and wants in this, and look after yourself.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

and, you are quite right, he wants your life destroyed but his wishes are irrelevant. Your non-mol must be put in place to prevent him having the dog or walking/drinking in the areas near you as he has threatened.

How did he threaten this when he is not supposed to contact you?

[gettingtired]

TS is totally right. He sounds exactly like mine.. although he ‘loves’ our pet he does not take responsibility (not as a pet owner or anything in his life for that matter). He just wants the nice things that come with having a pet, not the reality which is cleaning up their poop and paying for vet bills etc! The fact your ex has already said he will continue to drink at the pub near where you live and walk the dog there, despite having plenty of closer places to him, shows exactly what his intentions are. These people are toxic and simply don’t function like normal, healthy people. I’m sure your family have good intentions but it sounds like they don’t understand n********m/toxic abusers (most people don’t) so please take advice from those who do understand, like the forum or domestic abuse services.
You’re not alone, we understand and are here for you. Keep us updated xx

[Littlevoice]

(Detail removed by moderator)

I feel quite let down by all the services, prior to the hearing I tried to get advice and information about the process from both the solicitor who represented me, citizens advice, victim support.. they all just were so vague (detail removed by moderator).

I have told my friends and family that professionals have warned that he is likely just using our dog as a tool right now but once he has her he will then find some other way. They just keep saying that it’s less likely and he will just move on… like they are the ones who were in a relationship with him for years and know him! They have no idea what he is capable of.. I’ve told them some things but not everything because I don’t want to upset them particularly my parents and also I feel ashamed I was with someone who treats both me and others so badly.

I just feel like everyone is trying to sweep everything under the carpet as quickly as possible – myself included. I know my parents feel ashamed of me too or don’t understand why I was with him. They’ve said as much. So they just want to pretend it never happened and for everything to be dealt with.

[Bananaboat]

What would happen if you just said no?

Obviously you must stay safe but I imagine he’d send abusive/angry emails, texts etc – you can record & report these.

What do YOU want? I know you’re trying to keep the peace but as others have said he’ll never be happy as he has to ‘win’ and will keep changing the game to his wants. So I’m just wondering if you were to change the game could you do that, say no, stay safe and get what you want out of this? x

[Watersprite]

Hey I am so so sorry you are going through this he is still exerting control which is exactly what he wants and everyone is dancing to his tune. Time to take control back and start to focus on you x can you reach out for support again? Self refer to NHS to help you process this? It takes time to heal from abuse and when he is still prodding it is really difficult. Keep notes and report to police – he needs to be stopped. My experience wasn’t great with police but has helped stop some of his ‘games.’ Call NCDV and see if you can get a non molestation order. He is a bully it is time to say no more. Or if you are unsafe could you move area? We had to run several times. Take care and you are not alone xx

[Author]

Posts