Feeling fed up today

[NotCrazy]

I have not posted on here for a little while, but am still in the same situation.

I feel like I have been talking about leaving for the past three years but have still not done anything about it and have not spoken to womens aid! I have tried to call a few times but they are so busy, and I am at work during the day and around my partner in the evening. I work as a mental health professional so have to put a front on during the day.

My partner has just withdrawn more and more from me, and yet says it is all in my head, I “invent things in my mind” and am “destroying this relationship” whenever I mention anything.

We have not made love in weeks which is really important to me in a relationship. I also know that he has a high sex drive however he is not interested in me. He looks at pictures of other women and chats to them on Facebook all evening when we are together, but when I say anything about it he starts shouting and swearing at me about how he “cant move” and I am “always snooping”.

He has started telling me how miserable I am all the time – True, I am, because of him!!

Last night we argued and I went into the spare room but didn’t sleep all night and I am exhausted at work today so I am sorry if I am not making sense.

I still want to leave but keep making the most ridiculous excuses not to, my Daughter watches a programme on TV which she would not be able to watch if I left (I told you they were ridiculous excuses, I don’t know what is wrong with me!!), he makes me dinner most nights and occasionally we go out for dinner although he pays more attention to every other woman in the place than me!

My children hate him and would be grateful for me leaving I am sure, he is very manipulative and critical towards them as well.

I think it is gaslighting as he is very obvious in the way he looks other women up and down, chats to them suggestively on Facebook etc, then withdraws any affection from me and tells me I am crazy for imaginining things. He is fully aware of what he is doing and is very manipulative as a person anyway – Towards everyone.

Reading this back it all sounds so minor compared to the severe physical abuse some of you are experiencing.

When I say to him about leaving he tells me to think of the affect on my children and my family (who also hate him, but I am not allowed to see them anyway) of having to have me stay with them when I leave.

Also when we have argued and I have tried to leave he physically stops me. He tells me that if I leave I am not coming back (I wouldn’t want to anyway) and he would change the locks, which just seems such a horrible thing to say to someone he says that he loves.

I just wanted to vent after last night and I am so tired and fed up of everything right now.

[Confused123]

HI Lovely

These men say the cruelest things to us and really dont care, i read your post and really did remind me of myself, my ex did abuse me to every level and did same as yours in terms of when we worked together would flirt and compliment other girls , i just blank him totally and gave no reaction, he’d tell me he rather have sex with a prositutue than me , but then demand sex continously , my ex used to eake mme up at night to tellme to get out of house and take all my stuff and then start beating me up when i did what he did, id put a front on at work but start days with a whack for smiling, for getting ready. Yes kids willbe distrupted slightly , it will hurt them the family unit is broken but they will also be releifed and have peacein house, i moved out with nothing in my new house, i had blankets set out for me and kids to sleep on, i had no sofa , no fridge , no machine, no tv , somehow u just get yourself together and buy things again. U dont need to tell him u want to leave as he will just stop u and make empty threats, find yourself a place if u cant get him removed and then just walkout and thats how he gets notified. I phoned a d v support agency within a year of been married, then i call again on and off few years b4 i left. I was married to this guy for neaarly two decades, when u get your light bulb moment u will leave, its a decision only u can make nomatter how many tell u , u need to leave. One day something will just click, but u do need positive support, if the line is always engaged and u cant get through call the police and ask to speak to safeguarding and they can guide un with your local dv support agencies, iused to think u can only call polcie in emergency but u can actually call for advice to in issues relating to your children and dv matters.I got a place in secret , kept money aside in secret, shifted my stuff in private, even had bags pre packed , i was going to leave at end of month and even said i will leave at end of month and do everything sensibly, he thought it was a bluff but still on guard, amazingly one weekend my kids went away and he choose that night to beat me up and give me a day and night of pre hell, guess what i made a run for it that night knowing i had keys… your moment will come too but please continuing to get help, i had to be told my support worker when this man is saying he will kill u within 3 months his not joking,what are u waiting for ? In my head it was like whta if i cant cope , i just so scared to take that step out of the door cause than there is no goign back, and u know what it wasnt as scary or as bad as i thought it was, am x years out now, cant say how long cause they remove of site, but it was best decision ever i made leaving , me and the children are out of his trap , hope my story help u

[Healthyarchive]

Dear NotCrazy, your scenario sounds very similar to what I had. I broke up with him some months ago now, I am still recovering. I managed to break up with him because by then I trusted him zero % and I suspected he may have other women on the go or certainly had one or two lined up. I suspect he wanted to keep me in the relationship but in the background whilst he was seeing other women. I would probably have been used for something he wanted occasionally. When it got to that stage it was what I needed really to end it. I would never tolerate being treated so despicably. But before then, he was more or less horrible and useless but I were confused, not seeing clearly and not certain about what I was dealing with (all manipulation tools used by him to cause my confusion and doubt). I didn’t end it when I should have, the red flags were there from the beginning. I could not make decisions due to mind foggyness. I’m sorry to tell you that now, months later i’m still trying to understand what I was actually dealing with, a con man, a broken man, a user or someone too scared to commit. I’m hoping in time these thoughts and need for answers will lessen. You might find that something happens that pushes you over the edge and gives you the push that you need. There is a post on this forum called ‘Can anybody give any examples of Gaslighting’ it may help you to look at that. When I was with my ex things happened, horrible upsetting things and I tried to make them better. Like your partner mine withdrew more and more. For every 10 text messages I sent him I would get 2 back and that were after deliberately making me wait 2 or 3 days (we didn’t live together). This I know now was a power and control method he used to keep me in my place and wanting him. He would throw me crumbs periodically by telling me that he loves me but as the time goes on the bad behavior increases and the crumbs got smaller. I know about a good range of reading and resources that I can tell you about, these things together with this forum enabled me to stay away from my ex. I will send you a private message with some of the reading that I have done. X*X

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