Feeling foolish

[marmite3]

I am struggling to recognise how my husband and I have ended up in such a toxic place, and I can’t understand whether he was always a controlling bully and I just didn’t see it, or if he has slowly changed into one over the years. He used to be kind and calm and although he has never liked being ‘challenged’ in practice, he always said he liked my feistiness. Over the years, especially the last two years, I have uncovered constant lies he has told me, and he has become a person who screams in my face and calls me the most horrendous names. He keeps records of how evil and nasty I am, and as I have ‘(detail removed by moderator)’, I am apparently going straight to hell. But I still feel so sad at how we got here, and I feel foolish for choosing him over all others. I have been with him for nearly (detail removed by moderator) and now wonder why I stayed and why I didn’t see this side of him earlier. I wonder if some kind of counselling might help me make sense of it, once the immediate divorce/ him leaving the home is over?

[Lottieblue]

Hi @marmite3,

You certainly shouldn’t be feeling foolish. I have been in exactly the same place as you and yes I really recommend therapy. I used to get consumed by tying to figure out how/why/when it happened. Did he change? Did I change? Was I just really stupid?

Of course, there are no absolute answers, but I think what I came to realise is that we mould and adapt as we age and mature and reach different phases in our lives and as our priorities change. For example, when we have children they become our priority above all else.
So pressures change, responsibilities change, expectations change, and if the person you are married to is an abuser there is no “give”. So he doesn’t like that things around him change without him being the one who controls them, and this triggers a response. So the need to control increases.

For me, I’ve realised that a lot of it was to do with my husband’s own family and various commitments to them. As those commitments increased he became meaner to me. I think he found it impossible to please both parties so I got thrown to the wolves. Fed to the wolves. Who knows which?

As to the question of why you didn’t see it sooner – I know the answer for me is simply that I did. I just thought it was me, that I deserved it, that I wasn’t worthy of any better treatment. He scrambled my brain. And it built and it built without me realising until one particularly vicious outburst and I did some research online to try to make sense of it and ended up here.

The rest, thank God, is history…

[marmite3]

Thanks so much for your reply, Lottieblue. I think you are right. While there were times when he became angry in the past, and I can now see how jealous and resentful he was of my Dad and friends/family, his anger was never a huge part of our life before. When we had a family ( which he never wanted) a few years ago, he struggled with depression and left his job, and I think that was the turning point when he looked for someone to blame his loss of control on – and he began aggressively targeting me with his venom. I am so thankful that I researched his actions earlier this year and saw his behaviour for what it is. I am getting out, and difficult as it will be, I will be free of him soon. xx

[Mellow]

They never changed they were always the same we just ignored or failed to recognise it don’t blame yourself.i always get upset because I failed to recognise it to late and always trusted him.when he said he was on phone to “friends “ I believed it .i never thought he would get another wife and all the rest

[Rabbits]

Domestic abuse will continue until someone puts their foot down. You have ended the relationship and moved out. The domestic violence is over and you have done the best thing that you could do for yourself and the people you love. Focus on the good things in your life

[Author]

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