Feeling gloomy about relationships

[maddog]

Just thinking back to when I met my ex. It was several years after I’d been raped. The rape was still hot on my mind and I told him about it.

Early on my ex was waving red flags by the dozen. I remember thinking Na, it can’t be it can’t be and sweeping them under the carpet.

Recently I have been thinking about being physically close to people and I struggle with it. I feel I don’t want anyone near me at all. I am also wondering if I accepted my ex’s behaviour because I didn’t think anyone else would want me. I knew when I married him that there was something very wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

[maddog]

I am afraid that if I ever have another relationship I will just have the same one with someone else. It is preying on my mind. Is this all I think I’m worth? Is there really any possibility of change? How do I stick my head above the parapet and start to be counted? It’s horrible living under a rock. Every now and again I come out, but I’m back there like a shot.

[Lisa]

Hi Maddog,

I just wanted to show you some support. You are doing brilliantly so please keep being kind to yourself. Have you got support from your local Women’s Aid group so they can offer you counselling and emotional help? You could also consider doing the Freedom program which could help you identify warning flags and build in your confidence and self worth. They have an online course if that would be helpful for you – http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk It sounds to me like you are simply not ready for a relationship and that is perfectly healthy and normal. Use this time to focus on you and your goals and learning to love and respect yourself again. None of what happened to you was your fault, you did not deserve it and you are not to blame. You are worthy of love and respect.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[KIP.]

Hi there. It’s very early days on your recovery road. Try building on relationships with family and friends. Rebuild the ones you let slip when with your abuser. Start small. I’ve re engaged with people closest. It’s a good way to start and rebuild your confidence. I’m so happy with friends and family now I don’t think about a romantic relationship. I love being single and intend to spend every minute on myself and my own growth. You will get there in the end. It just takes time x

[maddog]

I’m booked onto Freedom for a 2nd time in the autumn. It is fantastic and I’m looking forward to doing it again. I’ve just seen my ex’s new place. He will be much happier there and I hope he will be kinder to the children. Sometimes it is hard to remember just how awful he has been and the horrible things he has done to me.

I am taking the children to a lot of big family parties over the holidays. Again I have to remind myself that according to him my family are all psychopaths and have an inherent disease. I used to believe him.

Just spent the weekend being taxi driver to teenagers. Gah. I would prefer that they went on their own. At least I have dogs!

[KIP.]

Start as you mean to go on. Don’t get dragged into being a taxi service. Let them sort it out with their father.

[Author]

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