Feeling guilty

[Anonymous]

Not having a good few weeks. Feeling so guilty about how everything has turned out! Could I of been a better wife? Was I too sensitive? Could I done something to stop his behaviour? I just don’t know and I feel so sick and anxious about it all.

I’ve read a couple of books on emotional abuse and it says sometimes the abuser doesn’t even realise what they’re doing and it also says about childhood etc. My husband didn’t have a great upbringing and has his behaviour stemmed from that? There’s no excuse what so ever and I am 100% not going back, but I can’t help feel like I could of helped him. Is it normal to feel like this?
I just keep saying to him focus on himself! But all he is focusing on is me and us getting back together.

[Balloons]

I cant speak for everyone or if it’s normal but I know I definitely feel the same. I find it hard not to feel sorry for him, despite it all. But then he goes and does the next things and I’m just getting so angry with it all too. I really wish he would just get the proper help he needs, but I’m not sure he ever will because he just cant see it, it’s always everyone else that is the problem. He still believes he only behaved in the ways he did because I treated him so poorly, which really couldnt be further from the truth. I have never tried harder to help someone than u did him.

[bringbacktheoldme]

Hi Blossom3,

I understand exactly what you are saying as I was the same with my partner and I separated with him for a number of reasons surrounding emotional abuse however, he said he didn’t realise he was doing this and did seek help and went to counselling.
After a while I was asked to attend one of the sessions to gain an understanding of his actions. Obviously I was hesitant at first but I did go along eventually and it really opened my eyes to just how much someones upbringing can have an affect on their outlook on life and their actions in a relationship and I was able to realise for myself and also after speaking to the counsellor with my partners permission just how much help I could have given had we done this earlier in our relationship.

In my case I know now that the situation which caused our separation wasn’t the abuse I first thought even though it was still abuse, there was no intent from him to do this to cause me distress or harm, it was just him never taking the steps needed to deal with his own demons from his upbringing in childhood.

Hindsight is an amazing thing and we could all think what if we did this or that differently, would things have turned out another way but as is life we can only move forward and learn from our past but not dwell on it.

(Detail removed by moderator)

 

[Balloons]

Hi bringbacktheoldme, I found your post really hard to read. Throughout my relationship with my ex, probably since we first got together, I knew that he had a lot of trauma from his childhood. I tried so so hard to support him and get him to seek professional help but he always refused. In the last year of our marriage he finally sought some help, but all it seemed to do was make things worse. He would come back from sessions as if he’d just spent the entire time talking about me, and he had all these theories and diagnoses for me, my trust issues, my attachment style, you name it. After a decade of trying to get him some help, it all ended up backfiring on me. I still believe he is traumatised, and I do still wish he could get the proper help he needs if only for our childrens’ sakes, but he is so sure that all his behaviour is my fault. I don’t think he will ever be accountable and it breaks my heart. Yesterday I felt angry at him, and today I feel remorse. Remorse is so much harder to deal with. It all feels so incredibly unfair on everyone, and I can’t help but wonder how things could have been different. But, I don’t think he is ever going to change. And it breaks my heart having lost the man I believed was my everything. The good memories are strong today, and I don’t know how things ever got so bad. This all sucks so much.

[Soulsearcher18]

Blossom3
I’m not feeling the empathy for perpetrators this evening.
Going Zero contact with him may help to prevent this problem for you, feeling guilty about his problem that is.
If Zero contact is too much of a big prospect then perhaps allowing yourself a period of time Zero contact, to be able to process and breath would hopefully be a big help.

Good luck and Well Done for getting out.

Soulsearcher18

[dustypink]

Sorry ladies, I do not agree…

We’ve been trying counselling and the only thing I can say, I’ve spent another (detail removed by moderator) in abusive relationship due to this.
It’s his s**t, not yours!
You don’t have to help him, sort out his problems, and change his behaviour.
The way he behaves – is his choice, whatever reasons he has.
We all have our problems in childhood, mine wasn’t perfect at all, but it doesn’t mean I am abusing anyone!
It’s not your job! Please stop!

I’ve been feeling guilty and thought i haven’t done enough, I understand completely. But now, (detail removed by moderator) after i am free, I understand that it was him who made me feel as the same abuser! I am kind, smiling, happy person without him. I don’t cry, don’t shout at the kids (well, very rarely :)), have lots of friends and people around who love me and adore me!

There is everything fine about you! You are perfect! You just can’t change anyone by your love, whatever you do, they don’t change and you don’t have to spend your life on it!

Just go away. There will be lots of men, they are like trains, missed one – will come the next one. And some of them are really nice, and when you meet that sort of person, you can see the difference so clearly, that you regret you’ve been spending your life on something which wasn’t worth it at all!

This is me now screaming to me then, sorry if sounds rude 🙂

[dustypink]

Hi bringbacktheoldme

Yes sure, we all are different and have the right to have own opinion.

I’ve read enough books about abusers. This is not something you can repair.
They are perfectly aware of what they are doing. They are not even angry, they pretend they are to make the victim feel scared. They control themselves and know what they are doing.

Some counsellors are not educated enough to see the difference. I’ve sent email to mine when I split to my ex with my feedback. The problem is they are never taking someones side and try to stay neutral. Unfortunately domestic abuse is not where you can stay neutral. By staying neutral you leave it for the sides to sort the problems out, and we all know which side will win again via manipulative techniques they use perfectly.

I am not suggesting to go through trains and to be honest didn’t get your comment. I wrote this to show that this is just a MAN. They are many! They can come to your life and go away, but the only person you have to count with – is you. You have to think about yourself first! Your own happiness, your own life! Not sorting out your man’s psychological childhood problems.

There are a few nice books available to read about abusers. There is a theory, that it is pathology in their brain. They are not able to feel empathy. There is nothing what comes from the childhood. It affects their lifestyle though. If the family they grow in is unfortunate, they probably will end up in a prison or will be drug addicted etc. If the family is wealthy, thee likely to be good educated and get a well paid job and build a great career. Up to 7% of top managers are psychopaths. This is statistics.

I know what I am writing about.
And I respect the choice to try for 100th time to repair relationship or him, doesn’t matter.
I just know this won’t work. Sorry to disappoint.

[Author]

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