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    • #116148

      My ex husband will have received the divorce papers and I feel so guilty all I’ve done is list the fact he’s alcoholic and the physical abuse he’s inflicted on me. I feel like it will upset him when he sees it. Why am I so ridiculous? Constantly putting his feelings before my own. I wish I’d not just focused on the abuse now but of course that’s why I’m getting a divorce! I’m so fed up of myself x

    • #116149
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’ve been brainwashed and programmed to always put him first. It’s going to take time to rewire those thought patterns. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away. Alcohol doesn’t cause abuse, people do. Many people are alcoholics and don’t abuse their partners. It’s normal to feel guilty after an abusive relationship. That’s how he’s trapped you in the FOG of abuse. The FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT x it does get easier. Have you read Living with the Dominator or Healing From Hidden Abuse? Both good books. Meantime be very kind to yourself x baby steps and one day at a time. Try to stay in the here and now using mindfulness. Thinking backwards and thinking forwards can cause anxiety x ground yourself in the here and now whenever you can until you heal x

    • #116151

      Thank you for your reply. Yes I’ve read nearly all the books on the book list and currently doing the freedom programme but even now have a hard time accepting alcohol didn’t cause the abuse. I wish things could have been different and I’m always so desperate to talk to him even though I don’t give in I imagine our conversation. X x

    • #116164
      KIP.
      Participant

      I know how you feel. As human beings we crave what is normal to us, even if that normal is abusive. Zero contact and time is how you break that trauma bond.

    • #116179
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Aww I totally understand the guilt. My partner abuses drugs and alcohol and I did used to think that was the problem but now I can see it’s not. Like KIP says there’s alcoholics or drug addicts out there who don’t abuse people. It’s so very hard to accept. All I do is put my partner first instead of myself. The guilt is the worst. I like KIP’s advice about trying to stay in the present moment too as thinking forwards/backwards can be so anxiety inducing. Anyway, sorry I haven’t been of much help just wanted to say I know how you’re feeling. Amazing that you’ve built the strength to file for divorce, well done to you xx

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