Feeling guilty

[Sunflower4Y]

Hi everyone,

I just am reaching out for some support.

I left my abusive relationship and I had to block my ex on multiple occasions. One of the occasions he called me up on a phone number I didn’t recognise and told me that I have psychologically abused him for blocking him, none of his family or friends can believe what I’ve done to him and that I am abusive.

I’ve needed some space from him, but now, on reflection, I think I agree with him that blocking him was an awful thing to do. I left and within (detail removed by Moderator) weeks he was blocked. He must have felt so awful.

I tried to explain myself so many time before I left but he never really listened- a small part of my mind knows that, but im so overrun with guilt. I want to get back in contact with him and apologise for how I had to just leave.. is that stupid?

I just am unsure I can live with this guilt and im afraid that he’s right and that I handled the whole thing badly and damaged him, I want to apologise for it.

Does anyone else feel the same?

You’re all so strong x

[Grey Rock]

Hi Sunflower.

It sounds like you’re brushing over HIS part in the situation and are in the FOG of (fear) obligation and guilt. These are all things that abusers use to control people. Remember as well that splitting up with an abuser is not like a break up with someone who can be relied on to behave rationally.

I remember feeling guilty for blocking my ex, and whenever he managed to get through to me he was full of righteous indignation and accusations of me being abusive towards him by going Grey Rock and blocking him. Friends who had his ear were used as flying monkeys and said it was a shame I couldn’t be more grown up and talk things through rationally. The thing is, when I had tried that he alternated between threats to me and to himself, and crying and hoovering tactics. I was so scared to talk to him because in the past he’d managed to convince me to go back and I didn’t want to give him the chance to do that again. Plus he was vile. Before he was blocked on my phone he’d text bomb me sending hundreds of texts, an average of 50 every day. Still I felt guilty!!

One of the things that really helped me was regular telephone contact with Women’s aid, and the book Out of the FOG which explains how they use Fear Obligation and Guilt to control us, and an insight into why I reacted to it the way I did. Before I read it I kept having thoughts that I was going insane, or was being really mean to him.

I don’t know from your posts your reasons for leaving or what happened before you blocked him, but I’d be surprised if there weren’t sound reasons behind those decisions. Perhaps it would be used to write a list of those reasons to read through whenever you get an (inevitable) attack of self doubt.

Your main priority should be your emotional and physical safety. He hasn’t got to like it.

Good luck.
GR

[Fallingleaves]

I just wanted to add that I think it’s totally normal to feel that guilt, and it makes it so hard. I STILL feel guilty for leaving my ex but what’s really helped me is therapy to start realising that it is not all of MY responsibility.
Also I wanted to say that if you feel like you didn’t handle it well (I often feel this looking back) then I find it useful to remind myself that I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time that it happened. It’s so easy to look back in hindsight and see where we could’ve done better but you were in a difficult situation and is very hard to think or act clearly when you’re living in survival mode x
Also worth remembering you feel guilt because you’re an empathetic person, which is of course a lovely trait but can also be difficult when taking the emotional load for things that have happened that aren’t entirely your fault or responsibility. Also, I wish I could take my own advice, it’s so easy to say this stuff and so much harder to believe it, but it gets a bit easier every time you tell yourself.

[Sunflower4Y]

Hi both,

Thank you so much for your lovely replies. It’s really helped to hear your experiences. When I tried to leave he made me believe he was going to unalive himself and then after that he told me the abuse I had inflicted on him has caused him to be physically unwell and he was going to die in (detail removed by moderator), so I have been feeling awful. It’s hard when you can see their side, but he thinks im a selfish monster- and then I believe that narrative. It’s hard to live with. I will check out that book, thank you for the recommendation. Sending you both strength and love x*x

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