Feeling guilty

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’ve been trying to get along and except my husband for who he is.

Thing is it shows in how I am as to how I feel. How I feel is that I am continuously getting over a mood he has had be it a day or a weekend. This is why he says it’s me as he’s over his mood he can’t remember why he was or even if he was.

He had a debate he says with my child (detail removed by moderator) but the anger upon his face and in his voice over something trivial was unessary and I had to step in. He says I’m not letting him reprimanded or parent as I keep undermining him. He slapped my younger one (detail removed by moderator) which I disapprove of and it’s wa not hard enough to mark etc but it’s not how I want to carry on.

I’m feeling guilty he has questioned me this evening about my feelings for him, he have just paid out a big sum for a holiday we are going on. He says (detail removed by moderator) . I feel bad, I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t want this and I have told him he needs counselling but I think he still thinks it’s me.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Still feeling guilty but realising in the conversation looking back tonight he said (detail removed by moderator). He doesn’t like my eldest, he would prefer he didn’t visit at all, he sees things as they are and its therefore mutual. I don’t think he likes me seeing anyone, but insists I should see his family who again mutually don’t like me, they’ve done some cruel things in past to my kiddies and me and although for his sake I keep the peace its not people I want to be around, toxic.

He also mentioned me getting things wrong and how I “get confused” Im sitting here working through the last few days, and really it just goes on and on, the gentle chipping away, I stil feel guilty but angry too if thats making sense?

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there CB,

Doesn’t sound like he is doing much to change, does it 🙁 It’s only natural for you to be affected by his moods and yes, that can take time to process – just because he can “get over it” quickly, doesn’t really mean that you should too. And it just sounds like another tactic to pull the focus away from who the issue really is: him.

Regarding the holiday; that would have been such a nice gesture if he hadn’t just ruined it by putting strings on it. It’s almost like saying “I’ve now paid for this holiday, you will have to pay back by staying with me”. I might be putting too much force into it, but I really don’t like gifts that come with strings. You are trying your hardest to communicate with him on how things need to change, but ultimately it is up to him to commit to such a change, and I’m just not reading that in your story, sweetheart.

Then there’s trying to prevent you from seeing your eldest or the people you would like to see. I think you know this is not a good sign, right? Though I have to say when it comes to his family, the phrase about the apple and the tree springs to mind. Most of us would do a lot to keep the peace, but there comes a time I think where it’s no longer keeping the peace but just continuing the disrespect – and you don’t have to put up with the latter. I also note that this peacekeeping doesn’t go both ways with your partner not doing much to return the favour with your eldest. Double standards, eh.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about anything, you are weighing your options because you are a genuine kind and decent person and you don’t want others around you to be hurt. If he was a genuine kind and decent person too, he wouldn’t be subjecting you to all these put-downs and rules he comes up with as he goes along. I think it’s very good to read you are feeling angry too – you should! You have a right to – he is trying to control you, take that anger and use it to help you.

I hope you can manage a peaceful sleep without any more interference from him – and remember, it really is not you who should be feeling guilty here, sweetheart. None of it is your fault and you never deserved to be treated the way he treats you.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Always sorry you explained it so well, thank you for your support and kindness it’s so helpful.

I know I’m not going through the physical stuff some others are, previously in relationships I have, however my head is being played with, if only leaving was the simple answer, every time I try he gets me back. I feel responsible for everyone’s feelings.

The holiday was a nice gesture but it’s love bombing the holiday was booked during a honeymoon phase after I tried to break it of last year.

It keeps you there as you think I can’t bresk it off as he’s done this … he’s not so bad? And maybe he’s not as bad as some but I realise there’s a reason for me feeling as I do and don’t trust myself to make the right choice. I am feeling crazy at the moment and anxious he’s being really nice again and so I feel like it’s me and all in my head. But my kids will say it’s him if I were to ask. It’s this anxiety and self doubt that I can’t cope with.

Sorry to rant but it’s been years of this for me and with all the other things I cope with it really makes it difficult.

Thanks again as what you wrote was do spot on and it was just what I needed x*x

[ianookkk]

Don’t feel guilty ,it’s normal sittuation so don ‘t even worry.

[Getmylifeback]

Hi there

Thetes always something that keeps us there isnt there. Kids birthdays, pre booked holidays, christmas. Ive felt the same way for years 😥

A good friend of mine said once that one day ill wake up and if wont matter whst evebt is in the near future, it needs to be now.

Im just waiting fof that day but i feel if coming closer each day x

[KIP.]

He is counting on you feeling guilty. Abusers keep us in a FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt. You might not be getting physically abused yet but your child is, which is worse, please contact you local women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. This man chooses to abuse you and control you. It’s dreadf trying to work out an abuser. They simply change the goal posts. Crazy making behaviour. Keep posting for advice until the FOG clears and you can see him for the abuser he really is x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Appreciating the replies, and appreciating being able to post on here.

Im worried about his attitude to smacking as he’s a large man and my kids are small. I grew up in a violent home and I hate this its like being back there.

Going to try not to make anymore plans which may help me in making a final decision, kids come first, although I don’t want them to miss their dad if it all comes to that point, but I guess they will have their mum back again so to speak x

[Author]

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