Feeling guilty after leaving

[Wilkie]

I recently left my emotionally abuse husband after a short marriage. We own a house together, which he’s currently living in, and a dog, who he has with him. I’m staying in my (detail removed by moderator) and living out of a suitcase. That’s okay because I finally feel free, but I’m struggling a lot with making decisions and feeling guilty about the decisions I make. For our whole relationship I was made to feel wrong and at fault and like I had to constantly do things to stop him getting angry. I’m still stuck in that cycle. I have so many options with the divorce to swing the balance my way – for example, he has already moved on and has a new girlfriend staying in our house, so my solicitor has said I can charge him rent on my half of the mortgage. I can also stop paying the bills, which he told me I deserved to keep paying because I was leaving him. I want to do those things, but I also feel terrible about it. I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to cause him problems (he’s been telling me that he has money problems, but then puts all his purchases (detail removed by moderator)). I keep telling myself that he couldn’t possibly have intended to treat me the way he did, even though he continues to use emotional blackmail to make me feel like a horrible person. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here, but I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has felt guilty for leaving and for doing the right thing? My family can’t understand why I’m still putting him first. I can’t understand it either, but I guess it’s hard to break the cycle. Particularly when he made me believe I was never right or good enough.

[KIP.]

Yes I felt incredibly guilty. We live in a FOG of abuse, Fear Obligation and Guilt. It’s really hard to break away from that brainwashing. You owe him nothing, he’s not your responsibility and you will not always feel this way so my advice is give him nothing. Take absolutely every you’re entitled to legally and more if you can because you can bet he would take the shirt off your back if he could. You are now the enemy. You have broken free from him and he won’t like that. How dare he move his girlfriend into your house. That shows just how little he cares. Abusers are selfish individuals. You’re still in shock and when the shock clears and the anger kicks in you will be glad to took all that you could. It’s not selfish, it’s self preservation. Abusers do everything intentionally. They choose to abuse. It’s a horrible thought that someone we love is deliberately harming us but that’s what abuse is so put yourself first, look after yourself because he won’t.

[KIP.]

Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and talk to your local women’s aid for support x

[Eggshells]

I agree with KIP. He will take you for everything he can and still assert that you are the abuser.

If you’ll indulge me for a moment, I’d like to share a little of my story with you.

I walked out of the family home because my ex refused to leave, despite having initially promised that he would leave so as not to make our children and me homeless.

He earned (detail removed by moderator) more than me. Yet despite being homeless, I continued to pay his household bills whilst he emptied the only joint account we had, claiming that he was spending (detail removed by moderator) children who had to remain in the family home without me.

He then tried to claim that I was financially abusing him because I had locked down our savings so that he couldn’t spend thousands more each month. He threatened to take me to court if I didn’t (detail removed by moderator).

My guessing is that you are thinking “that’s crazy”. Well it’s not so different from your situation.

The threat of court was one step too far for me. I finally saw the light and told him that he was welcome to take me to court and I would retaliate by taking him to court if (detail removed by moderator). I also gave him notice that I would be (detail removed by moderator) and that I would no longer be paying his bills.

I closed all of the (detail removed by moderator) the next day.

It showed me that the more you do for them, the more they will take advantage.

Honestly, there is no need to feel guilty because you can bet your bottom dollar that he will exploit your good nature, take as much as he can and still ask for more.

Charging rent might just help him speed up the decision to buy your half of the house from him. He can pay his own bills. Just phone your providers and tell them that you have moved out.

[Eggshells]

Also, when you take your name off the accounts, your water supplier and council tax provider will ask for your new address. Just tell them that you are currently homeless and have left due to domestic abuse. My experience was that they were incredibly helpful. xx

[Aquqmarine]

I haven’t left yet, I am trying to figure out how to. I am filled with feelings of guilt and anxiety, feeling like I will be letting him down or failing for not working on our marriage, we got married (detail removed by moderator), but everything feels so one-sided now, like I’m the only one putting any effort in to our relationship and he’s given up now that we are married. He ignores me when I tell him how I feel and gets really moody so I keep quiet now, it’s easier, but it feels horrible inside, so unhappy and crying a lot. He never respects my need for space, he always comes with me when I leave the house and recently has started questioning me on how I spend my money, that I work for, and that makes me feel guilty for needing things, like I should run everything past him first for his approval, Its things I need for work, I started a new job (detail removed by moderator). I feel trapped, suffocated and like I am losing myself.

[Bee1]

Jeeeezz….I feel for is all I really do.
I am thankful and grateful to myself for making the move away.
It was very scary to do, but not as scary as the thought of a life of living with his
Jekyl & Hyde persona.
I hope you can take a mental step back and realise his tactics are just his messed up tactics, can’t be very nice living in their skin on a daily.
But what they make you feel like is not a truth. You will see clearer I promise. 💓
You won’t always feel like this.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

The thing you need to remember is that you absolutely deserve to live without abuse. It doesn’t matter how unhappy he might be, or whatever responsibilities he makes up for you eg bills. Your safety and wellbeing is top priority.

The majority of abuse is intentional, he could have made the choice at every stage to be kind to you, and yet he chose otherwise. So yes, he is hurting you on purpose.

I don’t think you are hurting him, merely his ego. He is annoyed that he is losing control, he’s not sad about the relationship. Even if you were hurting his feelings, so what? He took your home and your freedom, hurting his feelings is not half as bad as what he did to you.

You seem like a very kind person and I hope that your solicitor does a great job and gets as much as they can for you. You deserve to start over somewhere safe and find happiness.

[Author]

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