Feeling guilty and having doubts about leaving

[Soonbefree]

I have my exit plan sorted: I’m going to leave with our child while my husband is at work. I’m going to leave a solicitor’s letter rather than explaining myself.

The thing is, I feel horribly guilty! I feel like I’m such a bad person to leave him in that way. I had a nightmare last night that he took our child and I was devastated. There’s no doubt that our relationship needs to end, but I’m doing it in the most barbaric way possible. It goes totally against my values, but I don’t know what else to do.

Now I’m making my own decisions, he can’t control me like he used to. That makes me think perhaps there would be room for negotiation about the separation.

I keep visualising him coming home from work to find the house empty and our stuff gone. I imagine him on his own on Christmas Day, desperately lonely and not knowing when he will see his child again.

Have I exaggerated his behaviour to justify leaving? Is he really abusive or am I being overdramatic? Is he just a dominant character and I need to be more sparky? Am I a coward for leaving this way? He is clearly hurting and doesn’t know how to express himself; is there a way for me to help him?

My child and I will definitely be leaving soon because I have rented and furnished a place to live, and I can’t let our child continue being emotionally distressed by the atmosphere in the house. I’m just feeling like a really horrible person. I hope I don’t regret this drastic action. This is so hard!!!!

[KIP.]

There is a fog of abuse, Fear Obligation and Guilt. You’ve been programmed to feel guilty, you’re a decent human being and that’s what he’s counting on. Of course it feels wrong because under usual circumstances we would never contemplate this but these are not normal circumstances and you need to leave safely. Once you’re safe you can decide from a safe distance what you want to do but this is the most dangerous time for women when they end a relationship. Post separation abuse is coming next so protect yourself. Be guided by women’s aid and their support.

[Wants To Help]

Hi soontobefree,

Your feelings are perfectly normal and valid, but please be assured this way of leaving an abuser is the safest possible way for you, probably the only way. It is not barbaric, it is necessary.

Just as abusers can project their behaviours and abuse on to us, we put our empathy in to them. It is clear that you are worrying about this from your dream you had, but trust me, he will not think of this the same way you will. If you came home to find your child and husband gone and found a solicitor’s letter you would probably feel completely gutted and a hopeless mess and you would worry about your child and wonder what the hell went wrong. An abuser will more likely feel complete anger and rage and a ‘how dare she!’ feeling and not think about the child primarily.

I am one of the women who just fled with a young child. My ex did not even know we had gone until 48 hours later – that’s how little he thought of us. He knew I was in a desperate situation but was happy to leave us unchecked and isolated for several days and he only knew we’d gone when someone else told him. His reaction was one of wanting me put in prison for kidnap! He told the authorities he’d stop at nothing to have me put in prison as he wanted some justice for what I’d done. He was seeking revenge, not a solution. I never thought I’d be a woman that ended up in my situation either, but when you are dealing with someone who will never compromise and it’s their way only we have no other choice.

I posted earlier on another post that one of my mistakes was that when I got stronger and more empowered I thought I was in a better position to deal with him. I read this on here a lot where women feel that they can now deal with their abuser once they are no longer under his control. This is not true. They will continue to abuse, destroy, manipulate, dictate, make us suffer, and a whole heap of other negative things. Our strength and independence does not show them anything. It does not make them see sense, or behave better or learn to co-operate. In some ways it makes them worse because they can’t actually believe we can function so well without them!

Don’t let your thoughts run away with you with guess work. He may well not be on his own on Christmas Day at all. Family or friends may rally round him and make sure he is not alone, but that is not your worry any more. When he sees his child again will depend on how he reacts and co-operates with the solicitors now, that part of the process is in his hands not yours. You are not denying him the chance to see his child for ever, you are putting safe guarding in place to protect your child from abuse (and yourself). If he responds appropriately he will be able to be a single father quite successfully just like you will be a great single mother.

Stay strong and don’t make excuses for him. You have clearly thought this out based on a lot of history and evidence of abuse in your relationship. You aren’t dramatic, too sensitive or needy, whatever his problems are do not excuse his abuse. Doubting our decisions are common, especially such big ones as this – that’s just human nature, but this is not a decision you have made on a whim, so trust yourself in your decision making. Our abusers are very good at making us doubt ourselves and they often have the final say in matters and we go along with it to keep the peace, so once we start making our own decisions and start to think for ourselves we find it quite hard to accept. You will be making a lot of your own decisions about your life going forward now so get used to it and learn to trust and be at peace with what you decide to do.

I wish you the best of luck and hope all goes well later. Keep us updated and stay on the forum for support as you’ll probably have a few wobbles later and need us all to keep you on track!

xx

[Soonbefree]

Ooh that’s massively helpful, thank you both. I’ll keep re-reading your posts to keep me on track. The bit about prison is so on-point for my husband. I’m sure he will be flailing around, trying to catch me out legally. I guess that tells me quite a lot really!

Thank you, thank you, thank you x*x

[Soonbefree]

The amount of fear I felt before he came home this evening tells me I’m doing the right thing. I’m scared to be in the same room as him. He speaks to me like I am s**m. He really is awful! I’m glad to be going.

[KIP.]

Be careful. They have a sixth sense and he will be watching carefully. Keep your phone fully charged and on you at all times. Ring the police if you feel threatened. They can help you leave.

[Watersprite]

Well done you have done so Amazing getting everything in place you are freeing yourself and giving your child a bright future. I left like you and felt so guilty when I did but I have not one jot of guilt now about how I left I’m proud of that ! but waited way toooo long to go. Fasten your seatbelt it’s a journey lean on support as will be bumpy and step in to the start of the rest of your life one you can make your own. We are all here for you x

[KIP.]

If you have doubts then write down all the abusive episodes and how they made you feel. Keep a journal too as this is good evidence should you need it. Also please inform your GP of his behaviour, again evidence should you need it.

[Eyesopening]

Hi
I agree with everything said and I don’t have much to add. Only that i also left this way, in secret, its hard as it goes against what we think it right. But the abuser pushes us to leave this way, pushes us to put our safety first and leave secretly. I had guilt for a long time after leaving. I just tried to ignore it knowing the feeling wasn’t serving me. This book i read after leaving helped me let go of all guilt. Its called boundaries after pathological abuse. Basically we are just enforcing our boundaries when leaving(no matter how we leave). We are enforcing our basic human rights. We all have the right to keep ourselves safe, no matter what.
Your doing great
I hope it goes well,
Let automatic pilot get you out, then when you are safe you can process and heal
X*x

[Hazlenut]

Hey, doing what is right for your child is always the right thing. All my children are thriving now they are in a peaceful, loving, calm, stress free home. That was never possible for them until I fled and got them to safety. Stop worrying about him and save yourself and your child.
Focus on your new beginning!

[Soonbefree]

Ooh this is tricky! Our child has loved putting up the Christmas decorations which they won’t even get chance to see for long. The potential disappointment makes me feel guilty. However, my husband’s behaviour towards me is increasingly vile and this can’t go on.

KIP, I have been recording voice notes to listen back to. I even secretly recorded some of our conversations so I can recognise how he tries to gaslight me. I have also let my GP know but I don’t think she believes me. She knows him quite well and he plays the role of the long-suffering husband putting up with an unhinged woman.

Anyhow, I’m getting closer and although I’m scared, I’m also excited! I’m looking forward to living by my own rules rather than his disapproving Victorian standards.

I admire those who have gone before me!

X

[KIP.]

Take the decorations with you 🎄. You owe him nothing. Make sure he has zero way to contact you unless it’s via solicitor. He’s going to pile on the coercive control any chance he gets. Post separation abuse is a horrible reality for most of us.

[Soonbefree]

Sorry, I’m doing a brain dump…..

I’m a bag of nerves! I’m so close but everything could still derail. I can’t wait to get away from him, but at least I know what he’s up to while I’m living with him. I don’t know what he will unleash once I’m gone. Perhaps nothing, in which case why am I leaving in such a dramatic fashion?

My close friends are on board but I’m dreading the reaction of our families. What sort of person leaves with their child at this time of year? I know what I would have thought before I had insight into emotional/psychological abuse.

Our child knows nothing about the move. They will be out when it happens. I’m worried they will feel betrayed because I’ve done all this behind their back. I’m scared they will never trust me again. Even worse, I’m scared they will want to go back home and I’ll have to force them to stay with me.

I know these thoughts and emotions are bound to happen, but it’s still very uncomfortable! Thank you for letting me blurt it all out x

[Wants To Help]

Bless you, you’re doing so well having planned all this by yourself.

Take a deep breath and give yourself time to pause for a moment.

To arrange all this without involving your child is amazing. You have managed to keep your child in a stable routine whilst rearranging your lives, you have tried to keep the minimum disruption to him/her as possible. Your child will quite likely be upset and will need a lot of reassurance that your separation from their father does not necessarily mean their separation from their father, but if you explain this calmly they should not feel betrayed by you. Using appropriate language for their age, explain that mummy and daddy don’t make each other happy anymore living in the same house, but mummy will be happier living in a different house to daddy, and hopefully, daddy will be happier living in the home without mummy there. Your child will have witnessed the things that have been happening and picked up on the tension etc, so seeing you more relaxed and happy and fun should reassure them that things can be better and not worse when you live separately from their dad.

Try not to worry too much about what other people think, it really is not their business. Your parents are more likely to support you than his parents, but if either parents are not really clued up on domestic abuse then be prepared that they may encourage you to get some sort of counselling and live in hope that this is something that can be ‘overcome’ and you’ll get back together again. Encourage your parents to read up on domestic abuse so they can understand the various different types of abuse. Ask them if they trust you? If they say yes, then ask them to accept your actions at the moment and not to question your judgement.

You ask what sort of person would do this just before Christmas? A very unhappy one who does not want their child to witness the breakdown of their parents relationship and worsening abuse over Christmas time. Would you believe that the majority of incidents the police are called to on Christmas Day are domestics? Many children grow up dreading Christmas as it is a time of trauma for them.

A possible reaction from his parents is not just one of concern for their son being upset by this, but also a concern that they will no longer see their grandchild. I don’t know what your relationship has been like with them, but if it has been okay then you may be able to maintain some relationship with them and assure them they can still see him/her. In my case, my relationship with my ex’s parents was strained initially after I left him because they felt in conflict of who to support, but eventually they accepted the situation as I assured them that my intention was for them to carry on the close relationship with their grandson. I guess I was lucky in that aspect, however, my ex’s parents were lovely and we are still very close now.

The actual fear of doing something is often worse than doing it. Once the day comes and you go ahead with your plans you will be too busy with the process to worry too much at the time. When you are in your new place you may begin to doubt your decisions again but this is all human nature. Try and focus on making Christmas as good as possible for your child.

Many ladies never leave an abuser because they are in fear of what he will do if they do leave. They feel safer living knowing what abuse they’ll get than looking over their shoulder all the time and fearing what they might get. Fear of the known is sometimes better than fear of the unknown. You are prepared for the worst, let’s hope for the best. Fingers crossed for you.

xx

[Eyesopening]

Soonbefree,
I think you are amazing, i hope you think you are amazing also to be so so strong to do this!
Those little niggling doubts are going to come, but stick to the truth, stick to you gut. You know this is right.
Others may not understand, that’s fine, this is your life and yours only.
We all understand.
And your children will have such a better life because of your strength!
Congratulate yourself on that.
You got this
x*x

[Soonbefree]

I’ve done it. I have moved to a new house with my child.

I’m scared and questioning myself. Our child is devastated at leaving their family home and no longer having the typical family unit. I feel like the biggest ratbag for what I have inflicted on them.

The response from my ex has been anger and attempts to control. I haven’t been taking his calls, but almost called him back to explain myself. He reported me to the police which has actually worked in my favour because I now have their support.

I am so relieved to be away from him but I feel really conflicted because of our child. If it were just me it would be so much more straightforward!!

This is even tougher than I thought it would be.

[Lisa]

Hi Soonbefree,

I just wanted to offer some support here. It takes so much strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship, particularly at this time of year. It’s incredibly positive that you recognise his response has been that of anger and control; this just demonstrates that you have done the right thing for yourself and your child.

It’s understandably going to be a difficult adjustment for you both; separation is never easy, and it’s made so much harder when there’s abuse and children involved. Try to be kind to yourself and recognise your strength in this situation.

Keep reaching out for support when you need; have you made contact with your local domestic abuse service yet? That might be a good next step if not. You can find their details here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Take care,

Lisa

[Eyesopening]

I think your amazing for getting out. I know how hard that is.
Well done you. Be proud of yourself.
Its tough at first, but all you need to do it get through those first days, just foucs on the basics and you’ll be through the worst before you know it x*x

[Soonbefree]

Thank you for your support. We had a visit from a lovely female police officer today. It helped both me and my child.

I’m struggling with no-contact. I have blocked my husband’s number but we still need to email about practical issues. The police officer advised going through a third party, but I have no third party. People are either too scared of him or don’t want to be caught in the middle.

I have got myself in a situation already!! Our child wants to visit their dad (detail removed by Moderator) but only if I go in to the house with them because they are nervous. I agreed because I want to help mend their broken heart. I realise now that would be a disaster so I need to go back on that decision.

How do I help my child to see their dad in a safe way? How do I avoid getting sucked back in to the control? How do I arrange a visit without my husband refusing to release our child back to me?

It’s confusing!

[Wants To Help]

Hi soontobefree,

Well done on getting out, you have been so brave and strong to do this, please don’t go and undo all of your hard work now because of empathy. You really are putting yourself and the foreseeable future at even further risk if you act on your empathic nature to ‘be nice, be considerate, doing what you believe ‘is right’ ‘

You avoid getting sucked back in by doing the even harder work now. All of us on here who are out for good and living a life of Recovery have never said this is an easy journey. If you have found leaving hard, then staying away is even harder

a) because they deliberately make our lives hell so we find it easier to go back to them
b) because we make mistakes

Our mistakes are ones that come from the goodness of our heart, and you are very close to making your first one so very soon after leaving.

If your child is nervous about visiting their Dad alone, then this should speak volumes to you. Listen to it.

Your child will be caught up in all of this now because their life is also heading for a new ‘normal’. You can’t pretend to them that things haven’t changed. They also need to learn to adapt to the situation, and by going back in to the Lion’s Den you will unwillingly cause further harm. Don’t for one minute think that your husband is going to behave perfectly tomorrow and there will be no issues, if he’s an angry man (which he is and has already proven it to you by his response so far) then he will not be able to contain his anger tomorrow. Some form of explosion WILL occur and this may well affect your child’s Christmas Days forever more. The possibilities are:

He will allow you both in to the house to ensure your child is in there before physically forcing you out

He will assault you in the presence of your child for ‘daring’ to leave him

He will unlawfully detain you in the house and not allow you to leave

He will respond politely to you and assure you he’ll bring your child back later and then won’t, and in this scenario there is nothing you can do about it until the Courts open after Christmas. He could even go to Court on the first day they open and get a Temporary Order to have the child live with him until Further Order.

If you have already made some promises to your son or your husband that they can see each other tomorrow and it really goes against every decent bone in your body to now go against this, you have to. You really do. I further suffered due to trying to be fair, to be kind, trying to believe that my ex really isn’t that bad (he was). My son got caught up in the middle of our issues and witnessed stuff he shouldn’t have because I was doing what I thought was ‘the right thing to do’ by allowing him to see his father before things were legally sorted. My inherent good nature and desire to be fair was my down fall. Someone did advise me “it’s gloves off time now, it’s time to get tough” but I didn’t listen to them. How I wish that I had.

We are here to support, listen, advise, comfort and try and help you to avoid the mistakes we made along the way so that your journey is not as bad as some of ours. Whatever you decide to do tomorrow we won’t judge you, put please be mindful of the risk you take.

I wish you a peaceful Christmas

xx

[Soonbefree]

Thank you for your wonderful advice, Wants to Help. I have arranged for my child to see their dad at a later date, with a third party present. It will be at his house but I think it will be ok. The love of the third party means so much to him and that person is on board with me. I don’t think he would risk losing that person. I can’t explain the relationship because it would blow anonymity. I also have my solicitor’s mobile number for emergencies, and a crime number from the police.

I have become more boundaried with my email communications. I have found the Yellow Rock phrases helpful.

I still feel scared and guilty, but I’m not trembling anymore and I’m able to eat again. Hopefully I’ll even be able to sleep!

Tomorrow will hopefully be ok. We will be going to some relatives for the day.

Thank you for your help x

[Soonbefree]

My ex has got me right where he wants me. I let my guard down and he’s back causing havoc. I let our child see him for the day. Initially a third party was present but they left after a few hours. When I collected our child, they demanded to go back to their dad’s house the following day. Our child has been again and when I arrived to collect them at the agreed time, they weren’t ready (they were in the middle of watching a film) and begged to stay for longer. This is becoming a pattern: my ex makes a plan with our child, then gets our child to demand it from me straightaway, in front of him. My ex is playing the victim and our child says they hate me for ruining their lives. I have agreed for our child to visit again, this time to stay for several nights.

I have received a formal email from my ex, listing the ways I am harming our child and demanding they go to live with him. My ex is in the family home, so he phrases it as our child going back home.

I feel broken. I knew he would fight dirty, but I didn’t anticipate how tricky it would be to manage the expectations of our child. I don’t want to keep them from seeing their dad, but I think they are being used as a pawn.

The police were supposed to have passed my details on to a domestic abuse service, but I have heard nothing. They are so busy, particularly at this time of year.

My solicitor is on annual leave but I’ll try to contact her anyway.

I feel like handing our child over to him. Perhaps they would be happier in their usual home, with “doting dad” fussing over them…… until the facade slips. That’s why I won’t do it.

I feel broken!!!

[Kitkat44]

Hello @soonbefree
Just wanted to send you love. It’s so hard feeling all that you feel and then wanting to do what you feel is best and fair for your child.
My children are older and despite having witnessed/experienced so many things they shouldn’t they do not understand the damage that this has caused and do not want to leave their home and dad. Which is keeping me stuck here too.
Can you try the National Donestic abuse helpline? And get back in touch with the police to let them know what’s happened?.
Take care xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Soonbefree, you have been and are incredibly strong. They are masters of manipulation, especially post break up… can you apply for a non mol? Residence Order? And stop all contact with your child and him? Your child, as you already know, is better off with you and without an abusive father? Someone on this forum explained triangulation to me (as my husband was getting to me through our younger teen), I can send you a link which was sent to help me if you like? You have got this, you have done so well and so much…
Try WA for support, also can you email your solicitor for advice (even though they are away atm you could email them ready for when they return to work?)
Keep posting ❤

[Author]

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