Feeling guilty for falling out of love

[Tuppance]

Hi
My hubby became more and more controlling throughout our marriage and a few years ago he started verbally attacking me. Some of it very subtle and other times it would be a tirade of abuse, name calling, in front of the kids, for such silly reasons like not doing a specific job or not cooking tea right or not wanting to speak up. The kids have both grown up with it and seem used to it . After a few really horrible incidences I finally drew enough courage to tell him I had had enough. He was nasty and vindictive and wanted to involve the kids in such a cruel way that I backed down and agreed to counselling. I fell out of love with him such a long time ago and have stayed with him because of the kids – because of his behaviour. But he is now being so nice to me most of the time and I look at him and hate him for disregarding my feelings. He says my life isn’t that bad. He told the counsellor one thing and tells me another. He is being such a fun dad now, most of the time, and the kids love it and they are my world. I don’t want to hurt them but he turns so horrible at times. He gets funny if I don’t answer the phone or texts immediately. Likes to know my whereabouts. I quit work because he wanted me at home and with the kids I thought it would be nice but I hated it so I got a part time job and he would keep turning up and just waiting. He has never ever physically hurt me but my family see the difference in me – how I have changed – everyone runs around to keep him happy as it is nicer that way. So now I feel guilty, that he is trying so hard ( or maybe over trying ?) that I just can’t stand him. I feel I have let myself down by not following through with my request for a separation and I feel trapped by his behaviour. Am I being unreasonable. I have read Lundy bancrofts book on controlling and angry behaviour and he ticks so many boxes that I feel vindicated in my original request for a separation but now feel so confused. How can I press on when he is being the model dad and husband all of a sudden? He does still have the odd snide or hurtful remarks but normally when we are in the company of others and I won’t retaliate ever, especially in front of others. It’s like he is killing me with kindness but it is all too late and I don’t know if I believe it. The backbone I spent weeks building is being taken down, day by day. Sorry – I don’t expect to get an answer but it is nice to vent.

[SilkyHalide]

Hi Tuppance
I just want to mention that mine was lovely to the kids following me suggesting we separate and him convincing me things would change. So he had them eating out of his hand when we finally did separate. Not only that he had planted seeds in thier minds about me which he played on after we separated to get the kids to favour him.
It’s probably a tactic rather than genuine change.

[godschild]

Hi Tuppance it takes years for them to genuilly change and a lot of hard work, and m,any dont, they do this to draw you back in when they know they have gone too far they will turn on nice Guy act,but it never lasts x*x

[Tuppance]

Thankyou for replying. I suppose it’s just a case of time will tell, eh? I don’t get how someone can change so much so quickly and it be genuine. He asked me why I am hurting him, why I am doing this to him – he doesn’t seem to accept his behaviour is wrong. He admitted to lashing out, when we had. Counsellor session but said ‘ you always hurt the ones you love’ and he didn’t apologise after them because he couldn’t remember what he had said. I just want to bring my kids up in a normal home where drink and control and aggression are not part of the norm. I am so scared they will hate me for wanting to leave their daddy.

[Serenity]

Don’t feel guilty. He broke your trust. He broke his promise to care for you.

My ex started smarmingly crawling back once I got a good job, calling me at work at the time. When I was earning less, he treated me like nothing. I knew it was because he was s armed I was rising up out of the abuse and would see him for what he was. Whilst he had me prisoner and dependent, he treated me like ****.

When I didn’t fall for it, he began to get angry, demanding my earnings and being unkind to me.

Only you know when or if is the right time to move.

I would say play the long game. He can’t keep it up forever. I bet his mask will fall sooner or later. Take it day by day. We are all here for advice X

[Author]

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