Feeling guilty for hurting him

[Tuppance]

I know it sounds do silly but I feel so guilty for hurting him. For finally waking up and realising I don’t want to be controlled, humiliated or verbally abused anymore.
We have gone to couples counselling because he forced me by threatening to tell the children what I was doing to our family. The counselling has really helped me have voice but he still tries to hurt me by saying stuff infront of the kids. We had friends over (detail removed by Moderator) ( am still trying to work out how to leave him – on a practical level ) and he knows thatched is on a serious warning. One more time and he is out. But he told our friends (detail removed by Moderator) that I didn’t love him ‘ do you?’ He turned to me. Our friends felt so awkward. He still controls me though. I had to work (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) and he sits there ( (detail removed by Moderator) ) in front of me watching, asking when I can leave. He speaks to the manager and questions my shifts – it is so embarrassing and he still for t seem to acknowledge that we are in this mire because of his abuse and control. He says I am hurting him and he cried today. He is being so nice since I told him straighg but it is all too late. He says I am to blame because he doesn’t have a crystal ball and he didn’t apologise for the contemptuous things he spits at me because he is too drunk to remember what he says ( his words).
So why do I feel bad? How can I not hurt my kids ? Our friends told me to get the hell out – that his behaviour was the reason our friends don’t socialise with us do much. Because he did it to our friend too. Please help me – my children are my weakness. What if they hate me for doing this, then seeing him cry…

[Ayanna]

He is emotionally blackmailing you. Do not fall for his tears.
Follow the advice of your friends and get out.

When someone tells me he does not know what he is doing because he drinks …. What a loser.

How come he is involved in your job?
This should not happen.

Speak to your local Women’s Aid and inquire what you can do to change your life for the better.

Do not give up! You will get there. It is a process. All of us went through this and one day we were gone. x*x

[Tuppance]

Thankyou ayanna. It is so hard when they show their vulnerable side though isn’t it? The kids see him upset and one day they will k ow that it was because of me but then I have to think of the all the times he has reduced me to tears in front of the kids and he never showed any remorse. I wish, if he loves me like he says, that he would just let me go. He just doesn’t see that this is because of his actions although I never stood up for myself because I felt intimidated and wanted a calm home for our kids. I just want to run away. I am so tired of walking on eggshells and the pressure his control puts me under. I feel so tired and despairing of it ever getting sorted out.

[Author]

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