Feeling guilty for thriving

[Happybelle]

Since ending my relationship i have had the most incredible support from family and friends. Financial and help to sort and repair my home. Absolutely incredible and I feel so humbled and lucky to have these amazing people in my life.
Starting to feel sad and guilty that he didn’t have this and wondering if he’s ok. I absolutely should not feel guilty as his decisions and behaviour are the reasons we are not together but it’s hard. Each time something nice happens for me I feel worried for him. Please tell me this goes away eventually. He’s a rat bag who does not deserve my worry but I can’t help it!

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Happybelle

Celebrate your happiness in every conceivable way, and your strength in coming so far, not to mention the wonderful people who helped you through.

In terms of him, and forgetting him and feeling the guilt, that will take time to process and work through emotionally. Allow yourself the space and time to move through it, leaving the guilt behind. As you say, you’re only in this space now, and he in his, because of his behaviour, all the hating on you, perhaps when you think of guilt for him you can challenge that with some sympathy for yourself? It’s you that needs to recover and rebuild after this, and you need your own self-help to do that, and perhaps this is one way to start. I’m sure you didn’t come to this place without having forgiven him many many times over for his harms and pains to you. Nurture yourself, hold your head high, and walk forward. It’s ok to leave him in the past, where he belongs. Gift yourself this.

warmest wishes

ts

[Bulbssprouting]

@happybelle. I feel exactly the same, I’m only a few months in, and I’ve not yet woken up feeling happy, but I am on an even keel. Like you my support system is wonderful, and even his closest friends and family are checking in with me. I imagine him festering away in one room where he is staying. I know he is still drinking. I have been programmed for years to look after him, and now it is his job. Maybe it is easier to think he is miserable, than to imagine the alternative, that he has just picked himself up and is sorting himself out, plus the thought that I wasn’t enough to fix him, and still levels of guilt that maybe I could have fixed it.
I don’t have an answer, and writing this has opened up the pit in my heart that is still so raw.
My therapist has told me to practice putting him/the thoughts in a box and locking it. I can always open it later. That, and mindfulness exercises do help, and as I think you suggested to me writing it down somewhere.
Hugs and empathy

[Allornothing]

I think this is only natural, we have empathy whereas they don’t! I found I started writing things down and I was amazed at what I started to remember so whenever I start to feel any kind of pity, I just let myself remember times when I felt awful over the years and he just didn’t care. Karma is an amazing thing, but I know that mine will be looking for his next victim when he’s not trying to get sympathy and play the victim to people we know and on social media! We are wise and educated and we should take pride in the support we are receiving and that we opened our eyes and see them for exactly who they are!! Stay strong ladies! xx

[Dovegirl]

Hi Happybelle
So glad that you’ve had the most amazing support from those around you. It’s so invaluable, especially when you’ve been in a difficult and isolating situation. Guilt I’ve been told by my isva is a very common feeling to have when coming out of DA. Feeling guilty to being hopeful and even happy for what you’ve achieved after DA, guilty that the OH might be sad or unhappy but like what others have said on here, that’s his problem not yours and it just goes to show that indeed everything we have been through, we are still a empathetic lot on here. Take care, you’ve got this xx

[Happybelle]

Thanks ladiea 🙂
Struggling more with this at the moment than last week, even though I know he is fine. My brain now is missing him! It is nuts. Just craving the good times I guess and conveniently forgetting the extremely long list of bad things!
Or perhaps my whole being has adapted to living with absolute chaos for so long it misses it. I really dont miss being shouted at daily that is for sure. Anyway am rambling, which helos!

[Bulbssprouting]

@happybelle. It feels like we are very much at the same place in our journey through this parallel universe, and that you, like me have a wonderful support network. I’m telling them how I feel, and my therapist. I know I should feel, and the right words to say, but the inner thoughts are there. I am able to go back and read some of the horrible texts he sent me, and a couple of things I wrote after a really bad phase last year, and that does help me remember why I am where I am. I don’t have a magic cure, but you are not alone in your thoughts.

[Escapedbuthaunted]

Whenever I start to feel guilty about leaving and setting myself up again which has taken years of counselling and working on myself to get to where I am now, I remind myself that it was him not me that put him in the position he now finds/found himself in.it was him that was the abusive one and only he can be accountable for his own actions to himself. I gave him plenty opportunity to be a better human and it was his choice not to. As you say tho it is hardas twisted sister said focus on nurturing yourself and give yourself the time to work through the emotions. My counsellor said to me it’s a bit like grieving the death of a love one, and you will go through a cycle of emotions sometimes doubling back. It’s a journey that will take time to travel just be kind to yourself along the way

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