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    • #5965
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      He’s been charged with breaching his restraining order for the second time and whilst on bail after being charged the first time.!
      Now I feel so guilty he may be remanded and be locked up of Christmas.
      However at the same time I want them to remand him so he can’t keep harrassing me I feel so confused.

    • #5991
      Didi
      Participant

      Hi Inneedofsomepeace

      I have felt exactly the same confusion you are feeling now but it is absolutely the best outcome you can get. I have read your earlier posts about feeling afraid that he is out there and your worries that he would come after you. You will not live in fear like you are if he is kept on remand and the guilt you feel now will pass because you will get the peace you desperately need and this will enable you to get stronger.

      After several bail breaches the police finally caught up with my ex last month and he will stay on remand now until he is sentenced, which is likely to be after Christmas. Initially I felt guilty about this but as time has gone on I have realised that these bail breaches are his own doing. If he had played ball with the police and done what was right i.e. kept to bail conditions, then he wouldn’t be on remand. I have gradually been able to let go of my fears of being outside in the dark in case he popped up and can finally relax in my own home without receiving emails and texts telling me he was outside etc. With him away I have started getting back to normal.

      It is because we are empathic and have compassion that we feel guilty in these circumstances. They do not feel guilt for abusing us or breaking restraining orders or bail because they do not know what empathy or compassion is and they never will.

    • #5995
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      Well he wa remanded so not e
      Really sure what will happen now. He has to enter a plea so i guess it will either be till sentencing or trial. But he also has a trial coming up soon so will they keep him on remand for that or does his remand on count for his latest offence, i don’t understand.
      I am not sure how i feel one minute i’m in shock then i feel guilty then i just feel anger towards him and at other times i’m just numb so i really don’t know.
      What does scare me now is him finding us when he’s released, he was angry enough at us just leaving he’ll be even more so now he’s been remanded.

    • #6001
      Didi
      Participant

      It will take time for you to feel ok about what is happening but with him on remand you will, at least, get some peace to start healing yourself, come to terms with your situation and think about what you will do next.
      I have found the whole court, bail, breaches, charges, bail, court, trial etc. a very confusing process indeed. I obviously don’t know all the ins and outs of your case but, from my experience, this is how I see it:

      He is on remand now because he broke a court order for a second time while he was on bail to appear at court! Bail is usually given out first unless they pose a real risk of harm to you or a risk that they will abscond. The reason he is now on remand is because the CPS have deemed his second breach as a risk of harm to you. My ex broke bail several times until he was finally arrested and put on remand. The CPS will need to add the details of this breach to the first so it all gets dealt with in one court hearing as it all relates to same offence. If you have already been given a date for a trial it may now be put back as they will need to prepare reports.

      It’s early days but the ball is rolling now and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Yes, you may have reported his breaches, but he was harassing you and making you feel scared. It is all his doing not yours.

      I totally get what you are saying about when he is released, I am still having those thoughts too but this is time now for you to take steps to get strong and protect yourself. Please speak to the people working on your case and ask them to explain what is happening. Tell them you don’t understand how it works so they will explain each stage to you. You can ask for a personal alarm and other safety items to help you feel more secure. Even if it means moving to a refuge out of the area it’s all about keeping yourself safe.
      The police on my case have been superb at keeping me up to date but I know it is not the same for all areas. With any luck your ex might find a spell in HMP will be enough to keep away in the future. Keep strong hun and keep posting x*x

    • #6003
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      We are in refuge at the moment. What scares me is when I move out. This is a man that has raped me, hit me for the slightest little thing. That gave me a thick lip and strangled me for asking to go to the Dr’s about a headache I’d had since he had hit me a few days earlier! What the hell will he do to me now if he ever finds me? After all I’ve dared to leave him gone to the police and had him sent to prison! I am so scared

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