Feeling guilty when leaving

[healingempath]

Hi, please bare with me as I am new to the forum and don’t really know where to start or what to say but I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance and support.

I am finally giving a statement tomorrow to the police about the abuse me and my children have suffered from their father for years. There is no accountability from him, just that he always looses his temper because he is so scared to lose us – he has said numerous times he will control his anger and seek help but never has.

As a mother to young babies, I am under scrutiny from social services and awaiting a child protection conference because of the amount of abuse that has occurred, which is also impacting the children.

Not only am I completely petrified but I feel so guilty for making this statement to the police and for leaving him. Since being apart from him for a couple of weeks, he has said he thinks about killing himself every night and that if he doesn’t have me or the children, then he has nothing to live for. This isn’t the first time he has said these things.

Has anyone else been in this situation with the police and having children’s services involved? What was the outcome? I know it sounds sickening but I feel like I am betraying him by doing this but I know I need to protect myself and my children. I just can’t see this ever getting any better and feel like this is going to be my life now because we share children.

Sending you all love and light x

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome, please please give that statement to the police and tell them absolutely everything that’s been going on. They may be able to give you some protection. Also, contact your local women’s aid for support. Social services will expect you to keep your children safe from an abuser so I’d go total zero contact with him. Feeling guilty is how abusers programme us to feel. And threatening suicide is a very common tactic so you feel sorry for him. He knows exactly what he is doing by abusing you and is in total control. There’s lots of help out there for you. Where was his concern for you all when he was abusing you. Google the cycle of abuse. The power and control wheel. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There is a national domestic abuse helpline too and I’d urge you to ring that and chat to the lovely ladies who manage it. Read some of the other posts on here too and you will see your not alone and you will definitely get through this.

[healingempath]

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will order those books now, thank you for mentioning those. I have had an abundance of support from women’s aid, including going into refuge for a really long time to escape him. I have had weekly meetings with a local IDVA, support from perinatal services and a psychologist as I suffer badly with my mental health, something that is always used against me by the children’s father. I am constantly on edge yet so dissociated because I’m trying desperately to hold myself together. I’m also one of those people who hate asking for help or admitting that I’m struggling so I suppress everything. I do feel as though I have completely lost my identity and my mind. As soon as I start thinking about one thing, it tailors off into something else and before I know it, I’m in a really dark place and I usually will clutch at anything just to feel normal. I think this is why I struggle so badly when making sense of all the abuse, because I’m bombarded by him when he tells me, all couples argue and the only reason he gets out of control is because he has a lot of passion towards me. I am also a very easy going person and will do anything to keep everyone happy, whether that is at my own expense. I am praying to God that the police help me tomorrow as I have such horrendous experiences with them.

Thanks again x

[Hetty]

Kip is right. The threat of suicide is just an extension of the emotional abuse. My husband has said he tried to kill himself bit I don’t believe him. There’s absolutely no evidence.
Social services can help you get through this. Work with them. You must give that statement and go zero contact. Take your ex out of the equation. He’s a grown man. Your children need you to do this. They need their mum, now more than ever. If social services are initiating a child protection conference that says that you’ve all been through hell. Do the reading and research. You can let go. There’s no other way. Build up support around you xx

[healingempath]

Thank you so much for replying. Thankfully I have a fantastic relationship with my children’s social worker and she has gone above and beyond for us. I just know that her power only goes to a certain extent and it will be down to the police and the courts to make final decisions regarding the children/contact etc. I feel very weak, the only thing that keeps me going are my children but I almost feel robotic and I’m just functioning basic things otherwise I feel I’d have a breakdown. Praying the police can offer more support and legal advise.

Thank you again x

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