Feeling guilty

[bluefish]

I was in a relationship with my ex partner for (detail removed by moderator) years , during which time he drank heavily. He would often be quite argumentative. He was never physical towards me but he continually called me fat , told me I was a slob , said I did not keep the house clean enough, and criticised my cooking. I work full time and our daughter has individual needs, I tried to leave him once before when he called me a c**t, but I went back . He then started to call me a c**T more regularly . He never took any interest in helping with our daughter or housework or the cooking . We had not had a sexual relationship for (detail removed by moderator) which he blamed on me as I was too fat ,so he said. I finally left him in July this year , we were moving , he left me and (detail removed by moderator) daughter to do everything, the house was not ready for us to live in, so he lived there and my daughter and I went to live with parents. I have since rekindled a relationship with a lovely man I knew 30 years ago , we live together with my daughter.
It is just that I feel such guilt, my ex partner sees our daughter once a week for about an hour, she frequently returns in tears as he is abusive about me to her , and constantly questions her about my new relationship. He is abusive to me on the phone saying I have changed and I am a horrible person . He was foul to my self and my daughter on the phone the other day and made threatening comments I did report him to the police but I feel guilty as I took my daughter away from him and I should be protecting her and I feel that I am not.
In addition to this my mum expects quite a lot from me , she says my child should be my priority which she is , and when I finally phoned the police she commented well you should have done that ages ago. She is not talking to me as she says I am speaking to her rudely , and that I take out my bad moods on her.
I feel so stressed I am worried about my daughter , concerned about my ex partner as I feel I have taken his daughter away . I am holding down a full time job. I feel I have neglected my mum and she says I need to put my daughter first at all time , which I am doing . In the midst of all this my new partner is being so supportive . I just feel that I am torn and not really helping anyone . Is my mum right am I not putting my child first and how can I stop my ex partner from upsetting my daughter and I ? I am just quite desperate at the moment sorry.

[Lisa]

Hello Bluefish,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation, child contact can be really distressing with an abusive ex partner and father. What your ex partner is doing is emotional abuse of your daughter and you did the right thing by reporting his behavior to the police. From what you have said your child is your priority as you have described how you want to protect her.

You cannot stop your ex partner from upsetting you and your daughter unless he wants to. He has a responsibility as a father and if he is abusing his position, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about stopping contact. The comments from your mother aren’t productive and do not help. The most important thing is the well being of you and your daughter.

Have you accessed support from a local women’s support service? They sometimes have separate DV workers that work with children and young people. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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