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    • #102056
      solivagant
      Participant

      hi I am currently pregnant. The babys father has been abusive towards me so I left him. I told him I’d keep him up to date with any baby news but other than that wanted no contact with him but he wont stop messaging me and putting stuff up on fb as well as using baby to try and control me. I’m not replying or getting involved with anything but it is emotionally draining me. covid19 is a huge help cause it means he cant see my physically but all it’s doing is making me really scared for when it’s over! I’m doing everything on my own, trying to afford everything as well as getting kicked out of home after covid so will have to buy all house hold basics on top. He wont help with anything but demands to be part of babys life. I really dont know what to do and I feel aweful that the poor baby has such a horrific father but theres nothing I can do.

    • #102063
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes there is plenty you can do. Your baby has a terrific mum and that’s more than enough. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Report his harrassment to the police and take advice about putting his name on the birth certificate. You can bet if he was abusive before the baby arrives he will be worse after. Get your boundaries in place. It’s very clear he’s not interested in the baby because he wouldn’t be harassing and upsetting the mother. It’s important too that you relax and enjoy your pregnancy as much as possilbe. That you take time for yourself to relax and shield yourself from him. Use the police, a non harrassment order, family and friends and if you’re in Scotland Victim Support or offering financial support for victims of crime. Stalking and harrassment are a crime x

      • #102081
        solivagant
        Participant

        I have contacted womens aid via email as I live with people and dont want them to over hear a convo over the ohone however womens advice say they cant do much via email which makes sense. I dont plan on putting him on the birth certificate but im pretty sure he will fight to go on it. Hes already threatened to take me to court for being “unreasonable” because id said id keep him posted on updates about baby and nothung more and since then has tried to make me look unreasonable which is why I havent been reacting. I wouldn’t put it past him to make me look like an unfit mother and try take baby which is not onoy unfair but also untrue! So i am being extra careful to remain amicable but over the phone is not what hes like in person!

    • #102084
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Stick to your guns here! You are doing well!!! Ah yes, all the “what ifs”. What if he does this or does that? He loves keeping you afraid and guessing. Keep a journal going, document everything. I think in our own heads we have to really catch what we are thinking and just sit it down in the chair and ask – what was that? What did you just say? We have to hold ourselves to account. Because alot of times what’s going on in there is what they planted, it’s their voice, not ours. Yours on the other hand, is going to be straight up I’m not allowing this! He needs to be more worried about what “I” will do as far as not allowing him to treat me this way and/or treat they baby this way or use the baby like an object or weapon to get at me more.

      Bullies always storm our gates when we put up boundaries and have absolutes. Afterall, they have invested alot of time and energy brainwashing, conditioning, lovebombing at first, lying, manipulating so to them it’s like they’ve done all this work and they really don’t want to have to start over doing it with someone else because they have invested so much in getting you where they want you. But like all children, when you do put those walls up and say enough is enough, the strongwilled child will say – oh no you don’t!! Watch this! Well, last time I checked it was “your life” here, not his. It’s your baby’s life and he has not proven anything about being a decent father if he abuses you this way. Past behavior predicts future behavior.

      Do not engage with him. You are very wise in not doing it so far. That’s what he wants, to have a go at you. Use a third party but make you’re a No, a real firm No. We women do have stuboorn resolve when we use it. Especially when we are mothers. I was a she-wolf during that time and never stopped being that in her direction. I may be tiny but I am fierce and a force of nature. Stick to a good solid plan that is absolutely “pro you and the baby” and let the feelings flutter in and out. I used to say, yeah, yeah, I see ya, hear that, right, right, okay bye bye, off you go – when those thoughts or feelings would come in. I acknowledged them but then dismissed them because I had my plan on the wall and I would point to it and say – but anyways, this is the plan, sticking it to it, my feelings will line up in time. I respect them and all that but my logic and self preservation rules the house now. Cowgirl UP and if you fall off, you just get back on!!

      • #102106
        solivagant
        Participant

        I spoke to a lawyer to get a rough idea on his the fathers right and lawyer said to threaten him with harrasment as I’ve asked him to stop and he has continued and if he still continues after that go to police. Do you think this is a good idea or just to carry on ignoring him? The messages he sends arent very harassing as hes “playing the nice guy” but it still stresses me every time he texts and it’s still nearly every day.

    • #102108
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      It doesn’t matter whether his messages are nice or intimidating, you’ve asked him to stop, lawyer has told you what to do too. He gets two chances to stop. Keep it in text form, don’t get sucked into a he says she says or the police will see it as An ongoing conversation, on the second request, when you ask him to stop harassing you tell him you’ll be going to the police. 3rd x he tries call the police don’t let him know as you’ve already informed him 2x before. You’re going to be a great mum if you’re prepared to stand up fir what’s right, put boundaries in place and woebetide anyone who crosses them
      IWMB

      • #102110
        solivagant
        Participant

        Alright, thank you so much for your advice! It’s so hard doing it alone, I dont even have family support and trying to find a reasonable line without letting hormones take over just adds to the confusion of what to do!

    • #102143
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there, contact women’s aid. Let them help you navigate through everything, it’s too big to do on your own at times, overwhelming really.
      I’m a list maker, write down everything. Might not all get done but ticking things that you can do is so rewarding. Even physically reward yourself for doing something, a bar of chocolate, a lovely soak in a bubble bath followed by applying some pretty body lotion. (If hormones allow, some smells might not be very agreeable) Get in to the habit of loving yourself, of calming yourself. I made a list of what my boundaries are, teach your child these as well.
      You can do this, you’re going to become a mum soon, one of the strongest fiercest creatures ever. Even when we’re at rock bottom, we’re always thinking of how to protect our children.
      Love and strength IWMB 💞💞

      • #102174
        solivagant
        Participant

        It’s hard to contact them via calls as I live with people who can be very nosey and I dont really want to have them nebbing. Making a list is a good idea I tend to do it for nom important things 🙄 Thank you for all your advice!!

    • #102168
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      You might want to think about getting a new phone no. Telling him that all contact will go through your lawyer. Then whahoo!! No texts that you have to worry about. If it’s happening in email too, same thing. Get another addy. When you see things come in from him just fwd to your lawyer and don’t even look at them. No contact needs to mean no contact. He doesn’t get to be allowed to do this to you at all. He knows exactly what he’s doing. The oh I’m being nice now is just part of the game. Doesn’t matter. You don’t need the noise.

      • #102173
        solivagant
        Participant

        It’s a good plan, I think only problem would be that I never look at it. Just because I know who’s on the other end! 😂

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