Feeling I’m in limbo

[Sad and alone]

Really am feeling like I’m in a some sort of fog. Don’t know what’s going on or where I stand or anything! It was like this at the end of last year too but after another discussion about how I had to change and then things might work they got better. To the point I was thinking we were getting somewhere. Ha ha.

There is zero physical contact between us. I’ve decided I’m not initiating anything as it’s all been me. He has said for years he doesn’t try any more as I always reject him which is rubbish. And because he always says this it almost makes me guaranteed not t reject him! I don’t want a physical relationship with him. Too much has happened and I don’t trust him any more. I know his true feelings about me and it’s nothing like love.

This morning he started making snide comments about the past. “Mistakes” I have made. This is to do with our work. And not really mistakes as such, just some poorer decisions which I learn from. But he says it’s all down to him that things get better as he’s always thinking about the future. I say if things are improving why are you always bring up the past, and he says the past is the future. Go figure, cos I don’t understand what that means either. I learn from mistakes and things that don’t work and try to avoid doing them again. But I was told I’m rotten and just like “so and so” (someone else who is a genuinely horrible person). Then the next minute he’s normal again. Exhausting.

I really feel like I want to leave but I can’t go anywhere as I have responsibilities with work right now that I can’t just walk out on. And the thought of losing my dog breaks my heart. But I can’t carry on like this. I’m middle-aged and don’t want the rest of my life to be like this.

[Lisa]

Hi Sad and alone,

It’s difficult once you’ve seen the abuse for what it is and know you want to leave but, for whatever reason, you’re not able to right away. It sounds like he’s using whatever he can think of as an opportunity to make nasty comments and put you down, that must be so hard to face daily.

Would it help to start thinking about what you would need to have in place to leave and doing what you can in advance? Even if that’s really small steps or just making a plan in your mind. It’s okay to do things at a pace that is right for you. You could reach out for some support from your local domestic abuse service who should be able to provide some ongoing support to help you think about what you want to happen and how to achieve this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Sad and alone]

At it again today. Feels like proper Jekyll and Hyde stuff. (detail removed by Moderator). So now he’s gone off to do some work and it’s another great day! I just hate the fakeness of the whole thing. One minute we’re working together on something and it’s going fine, then there’ll be a switch and I think why is he doing this? I keep having to comments like “you women aren’t good at things and don’t help yourselves” (words to that effect) and constant rants about stuff in the news and talking about “(detail removed by Moderator)”. Like he’s not a human. It made me laugh the other day as he asked me what a n********t was. Someone had referred to a (detail removed by Moderator) as one.
Anyhow. That’s that off my chest. Another day in paradise.

[Better-days]

Sadandalone I don’t have much advice as I’m in the same situation it’s awful that constant negative moaning wears you out and feeling in limbo is how I am most days right now. My partner has had affairs in the past and i pray he meets someone and it will be easier for me to go. I have 2 kids and he will do everything to destroy me when I leave but I know I need to just do what it takes then to keep safe the thought of having my kids involved in anything kills me, I hope u have a better day . Just keep taking baby steps and post on here when u need toxxxx

[sweet4]

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome, well thats what i call it, it seems mine has changed with age, is that true, as he has changed so much, so much anger, so i fully understand what you are dealing with.

[Sad and alone]

Yes better-days, it does wear you down. The constant digs and criticisms. I’ve said that in arguments, that I’m tired. If that’s the way he feels fine, but it’s not fair on me. Why do we wait for “the next time” to think we’re going to do something as well?! Like you say if he has another affair. I thought that about being manhandled. But then it would happen and I’m still here! Touch wood nothing physical has happened in a while. So that’s something.

And yes sweet4 it does feel like the older we get the worse it is. Familiarity breeds contempt they say so maybe that’s why. I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all. In fact I feel like over the years I’ve become a better person. All I hear from him is that I need to change. But I’m happy how I am. The trouble is I’m obviously not who he wants me to be. Maybe me not changing from who I am is the problem. But I feel like he has changed from someone who cared for me, or so I thought. We did everything just us all the time. Worked together on our homes. Now he says he did everything and I did nothing. We got together very young and I look back and realise the fairytale I wanted just didn’t happen. And I realise how long things may have been not really right between us. It’s sad and scary at the same time and I have a growing feeling of loss.

[Sad and alone]

At it again this morning. We had semi-settled into civility at least and then he comes in with a look on his face and grunting when I ask if he’s okay. So I say everything going alright and get told (detail removed by moderator). Suspect this is because he wants me to (detail removed by moderator) and I didn’t do it straight away. And typically, as the universe works against me too, (detail removed by moderator), which gives him more fuel and back up to say I should’ve done what I was told etc.

Stupid walking around doing (detail removed by moderator) on Valentines Day and still thinking of him. Cook him a nice meal and pick up a couple of treats. Why am I doing it? We haven’t given each other gifts etc for years as he said he stopped doing it as he spoilt me too much and that’s why I am like I am. But I still like to do something small. I’m just deluded I think.

I hate it as when something negative happens you think that’s it, I have to leave, and then that feeling wears off until the next time. The cycling. Makes me think I’ll never escape. Just want to be truly loved and appreciated. I know social media isn’t necessarily true but breaks my heart seeing men writing about their wives, saying now much they love them and appreciate them and how great they are. I wonder where I’ve gone so wrong.

[Allornothing]

Hi Sad and alone, definitely don’t read too much into social media – people post what they want people to see and not what is reality, I did for years and it was all false!

The cycles do happen when the feeling wears off and things tick along until the next time and sometimes that feeling doesn’t wear off and that is when enough is enough. Some of us find that moment and there is no going back, we almost go through the motions until our emotions decide for us. Sending love xx

[Author]

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