Feeling like a failure

[Tiffany]

I am on new medication for my chronic health condition. It is making me physically much more well. It is also making me mentally unstable. I am depressed, I can’t motivate myself and I just keep running over the things I aren’t going well in my life and feeling more and more like a failure. I am ill, I can only work very part time in my current job and haven’t managed to find anything else despite searching for months. I can’t see any way of being able to afford to move out of my parents house. I haven’t managed to organise a single meet up with friends for over a week, and I don’t have any opportunities to see people in my normal daily life due to living in a very rural area. And this feels awful to admit, but I feel like I am never going to succeed at dating because I am ‘damaged goods’. I know a lot of this is coming from my currently messed up brain chemistry. It’s just wearing down all his old grooves. But my doctor wants me to keep trying for three months, by which time she thinks the side effects will die down. I’m only a matter of days in. And I don’t know how to carry on. It’s the first thing I have ever tried which makes me feel physically well, after years and years of pain. But the mental anguish is awful. I am also very much feeling my lack of personal space and control over how I live my life as I struggle to negotiate adult boundaries with my parents. They aren’t abusive, but their house isn’t set up for multiple occupancy, and I am reliant on them for everything from food to transport because my part time minimum wage job wouldn’t even cover my food bill.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Tiffany,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling low, I just wanted to say that you’re not a failure at all, I think you have pushed yourself very hard to find work, socialise and start dating again and that you’ve made a huge amount of progress in a short amount of time. The fact that you are managing everything whilst you are recovering from abuse and suffering from a chronic illness must make life extremely tough, so remember to be kind to yourself, take it easy and give yourself time to heal and adjust. It takes time to recover from abuse, dating is incredibly tough anyway even if you’re 100% healthy and you’ve never experienced abuse before, as is finding and managing work and managing family relationships. You have had a trauma and a major life change and it will take time to build back your life again, there is no rush, you will get there.

I would also monitor the medication in terms of a daily diary and if you keep feeling awful then go back to the GP and see if there are any other options as in the end you don’t want to swap one problem (chronic pain) for another (terrible anxiety and depression). Hopefully it will settle down soon and you can review it. Keep going and don’t be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you are on the right path.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Tiffany,
Sorry to hear you’re feeling so low. I know what that feels like (sending hugs). Sunshine’s suggestion about keeping a diary logging how you feel, what’s on your mind etc is worth a try. I’m currently ‘talking to my journal’ daily. It helps me sort my thoughts out figuring out what are My thoughts and which are His. You may find these feelings of being a failure are really coming from your past abuse. I find when everything is whizzing around in my head I can’t make any sense of it. Once it’s down on paper or computer, you can read it and make sense of it. Finding now that it starts making sense as I’m writing
Regarding the meds if you’re only a few days in, it’s probably worth continuing a bit longer as you said they’re helping with the pain. In my experience it can take a couple of weeks for my body to start adjusting. Keep posting while you are feeling low. I’m finding keeping in touch with people who understand, have been there and got the T-shirt, helps so much. Have you tried music? Distract yourself with something you enjoy. Sometimes I spend too long in my head worrying. It’s exhausting and makes me feel lower. If the pain isn’t too bad try dancing to the music. Works for me! Feel better soon.

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