Feeling like a pathetic failure

[arandomname]

I wrote a post but it didn’t publish for some reason, so writing again.
I sent out an email telling everyone that the wedding is off (in agreement with partner on wording), and it was a lot harder than I expected it to be.
Now I’ve been getting messages from lots of people and I know they’re just trying to be supportive but I feel like they feel sorry for me. I feel so pathetic and like a failure. I can’t bear to see people I know, just want to hide. I’ve been staying with family and haven’t even left the house on some days.
I don’t have any good friends here anymore, as I moved back to a different country. I miss my friends in the UK who I now won’t get to see anymore and I can’t even tell them what’s going on really because they are mutual friends and I’d prefer not to bad mouth him, even if it is the truth. It’s not fair.
I don’t know how I’m going to get back on track. Can’t even imagine starting to look for a job. I can barely manage simple tasks like getting a doctors appointment for a new prescription or getting a new credit card.
Just feel like such a loser. Like everything is just too late for me now.
Sorry to whine like this, needed to let it out somewhere.

[freedomtochoose]

Thank the Blxxdy Goddess the (detail removed by moderator) wedding is OFF.
Well done love.
(detail removed by moderator) off out of it. Go somewhere nice and enjoy yourself.
Narrow escape love.

(detail removed by moderator) off and have some sort of a break.
Thank the Goddess you didn’t marry
shape up
all best
ftc
x

[Tiffany]

I read your subject title and thought “s**t, she’s gone back to him”. I am so glad that you haven’t and that you are safe.

Cancelling a wedding is tough. Ending a relationship (even when it is abusive and you know it is the right move) is tough. Moving countries is tough. Moving home to your parents is tough. You have just done them all at once. You are b****y amazing, but it is perfectly normal that you don’t feel that way right now.

Be kind to yourself. Your abusive partner has basically trained you not to look after your own needs (his always come first) and that you don’t deserve to be looked after. Once you get out it takes a little bit of time to retrain yourself to see your worth and give yourself what you need. In the meantime cut yourself some slack. Set small achievable goals. And do things that you enjoy. They don’t have to be productive. I spent hours colouring in a kids colouring book, ate a ton of ice-cream and filled my room with obscene quantities of flowers which I discovered that I could buy for 10p a bunch at the end of the day in my local supermarket. You can also watch box sets, or take long baths or start training for a marathon. Whatever works for you. I worked through a list of clichéd things to do after a break up. Dyed my hair, then cut it all off. Changed the way I dressed and the makeup I wore. Went out dancing with girlfriends. Spent all weekend in my pajamas and ordered pizza so I didn’t have to cook. Your life has just turned upside down. You have dealt with it, taken the steps you had to take. Now you are safe it is ok not to be ok for a bit.

It all comes back together. It is only about a year since I was an ice cream binging wreck. No job, no friends, back at my parents. Admittedly I am still at my parents. There isn’t much in the way of affordable housing round here. But I also have a better job than the one I left, a better group of friends and even a new boyfriend. It takes a bit of time, and a bit of work, but things do eventually come right.

[KIP.]

You are not a failure in fact it’s the complete opposite. It takes incredible courage to stand up to an abuser. It’s going to be an emotional roller coaster and good counselling is important. Please don’t worry about bad mouthing him, it’s not bad mouthing if it’s the truth and your friends in the UK may already know. I will bet he has already told them his fantasy version. I was terrified of meeting people I knew but most were really supportive. what you’re going through is normal for someone who has been abused but it’s important you talk to someone about the abuse. Abusers thrive on silence and it’s not good to keep it all to yourself. Talking to the right people can really help.

[Author]

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