Feeling like he was rite

[Starmoon]

I keep thinking if he could see me… the house hasn’t been cleaned properly, I’m not looking after myself, not eating properly, I’m physically a mess. I haven’t worn make up or done my hair since he left. I’m just a total mess. If he could see me he’d know he was rite to leave. I feel so depressed and worthless.
When we were together he’d always say every other woman manages- why can’t you. He’d compare me to his mum, his friends wife and even his brother who’s a single dad. I’m hardly coping at the moment but when we were together- I did manage better because I didn’t feel as unhappy as I do now. The only reason he’d use other people as an example was because I would try and remind him of how much I had to do when he was suggesting I didn’t do enough or I felt like I had to explain why I was tired. I didn’t want anything to be different, didn’t want him to do more or help more, just to understand but instead he’d always say ‘well so and so managed- why can’t you’. I’d always say I can manage… I’m just trying to talk about things that’s all. And some days I did feel like things were getting on top of me and feel like I was having a melt down. But I did cope. I got the kids up and to school, cleaned, did the washing, cooked tea and took our youngest out with me on shoots taking photos. But sometimes I needed to vent or rest. And I would moan at him that it wasn’t fair how he’d always be able to do what he liked when he liked.. silly things like getting his hair cut. I know I was stupid to get annoyed about those things and pointless arguments but I didn’t do it daily. Just when things got on top of me. All I can think now is that he was rite and I can’t cope and was wrong to moan

[Amaguq]

Hi Starmoon,
Hugggggggsssssssss

It sounds like you’re a great Mum and unfortunately you were criticised, I can identify with so many of your words.

I once told him that he sees what I haven’t done but not all I have done.
That isn’t moaning Starmoon.

Have you rang the helpline? counselling? spoken to your GP? I did all three.

I posted two songs on here that helped me, I play them when I am feeling vulnerable, full blast in the shower at times, listen to them, shower, do your hair, put make up on, dance, the housework can wait.

Take care xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starmoon,

I agree with Amaguq, you sound like you’re exhausted and have been abused and criticized and could do with some really good self care. If it makes you feel better I currently have a huge pile of ironing, an extremely messy room and have just thrown some clothes on today with no makeup. I feel very scruffy and messy but I’ve been recovering from a migraine and sometimes we just can’t get everything done, and that’s ok.

This afternoon I’ve decided to put on some nice music, get a hot drink have a lazy tidy up session pottering around making my home feel better again. Then I’ll probably go for a walk, make myself a good dinner and curl up with the cat and relax 🙂

Life is often exhausting for women because a lot of us have work and/or children to care for on top of doing all of the housework, cooking, ironing, cleaning, food shopping etc. On top of that we’re expected to be thin, have beautiful flowing shiny hair at all times (no greys allowed apparently!), be perfectly groomed, sexy, stylishly dressed etc etc. While men can be old, fat and grey, do no housework and still be considered attractive apparently! Total double standards that men create. Every other woman definitely finds it a struggle too so don’t let him put you down, you’re doing great.

[Starmoon]

Thank you ladies. I’ve stayed in all day either the kids and done all the house work.. well most of it. It’s just I really was mostly on top of everything when we were together… and it still felt things weren’t enough. Since he’s gone- I haven’t been organized and I have let things go.. but I wasn’t like that before. I wonder why I felt like he thought I wasn’t doing enough. He said it was all in my head and that he didn’t think I did nothing.. that me feeling that way caused problems between us. I can’t think where I got it from if it was on my shoulders. I mean in my memory there was many occasions that he told me I had my priorities wrong, that talking the kids out and using my camera (which I earn from) wasn’t priority. Some days I did do fun stuff with he kids over washing but I was really starting to work on that. And it wasn’t like we lived like slobs… we really truly didn’t! He’d say I was over sensitive because all couples talk about those things don’t they? Once he cleaned my daughters room after she’d had a friend sleep over… so it was a mess. But he sent me msgs saying it was disgusting that they’d walked a biscuit into the carpet (that was my toddler) and that she was old enough to know better. He went on and on, and told me to have a word with her… I didn’t feel I needed to. I’d already told her she needed to clean up. But I didn’t feel she needed telling off or talking to any more than that. She’d had a sleep over and they’d had fun.. was it really that unacceptable to make a mess? On the whole she does clean up when asked to- but she’s a young child still. Then I’d think well maybe we just have different expectations about what’s acceptable. And his opinion wasn’t wrong was it? But then mine isn’t for thinking that she didn’t need telling off. Then he got annoyed at me saying there was no need for me to be so sensitive, he was just doing what any other partner would do. I said I wasn’t upset but she’d already been spoken to, and no more needed to be said?! Sorry again for waffling on

[Amaguq]

You aren’t waffling Starmoon, have you noticed that we all seem to apologise for no reason? mine was for an easy life.

I was in identical situations many times, I was laid back with the kids sleepovers, toddlers mess but I constantly felt I had to try and clean any mess before he saw it.
When he cleaned, he used to show me the cloth with dust on, any cloths he used, show me the dirt (barely any) , even the hoover bag. I now know it was to try and make me feel inadequate.

Keep that beautiful head held high, you’re a d**n good Mum, be proud of it 🙂 and continue with your photography, that is a special talent xx

[iwillbeok]

I have a kitchen full of dirty dishes and lurch from one crisis (uniforms not clean, lunches to pack, sleep through alarm!) to the next! I was never on top of these things, constantly criticised, but did he lift a finger? No! Apparently that was also ‘my fault’ – I had set everything up in a way that he couldn’t help out as he had no idea where to find things! I wrote a list above the bins and when they were to go out, number of times he put them out? Zero.

Sorry, got a bit off track there…

Point I was trying to make was that no matter how good we are (or aren’t) – we are doing our best! Go easy on yourself and take time for aelf care.

Stay strong hon x

[Starmoon]

Thank you again ladies. I can relate to the dust situation.. he was constantly giving me ‘suggestions’, telling me how I should or shouldn’t do things around the house. It never came out like orders.. more suggestions as I said, and he’d say he was trying to help me.. but I didn’t think I needed help. I think the little things eventually felt like he was picking at me.. but then I was over sensitive x

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds like he was gaslighting you Starmoon – criticising you, undermining you and putting you down then saying it was all in your head and that he didn’t think you were inadequate. My ex used to do something similar, he’d make comments about my body implying he wasn’t attracted to me, but then when I asked him he’d laugh and say how attracted he was. It’s just to make us question ourselves, to throw us off balance, to make us insecure, and it is so effective.

After a time their voice in your head lessens but it’s important to replace it with a kind voice from within, not easy when you have heard abuse your whole life and takes daily practice, I have to practice it a lot myself.

[Tiffany]

When I first left my ex I found leaving things messy really scary. I was terrified of what people would say, was I failing, was I horribly lazy? I actually trained myself to leave things a message sometimes. Nothing bad happens (anymore!) I try and keep things tidy now, for myself, because it makes me feel good. But I am so glad that I am not tidying to avoid shouting anymore and if there are things I need to do more – rest, garden, see friends, have a bath… The tidying will still be there. It’s scary how hard it is to excise their words from our heads.

Starmoon you sound like a great mum. I have only one small piece of advice for you – never apologise again for playing with your kids instead of tidying! So long as your house isn’t dangerously dirty (and it doesn’t sound like it is) then prioritising your kids priorities (aka play) over cleaning sometimes is a great thing to.

[Starmoon]

No it really isn’t and never was dangerously a mess. I’m just saying maybe I hadn’t emptied the washing machine the minute it finished, or put the dry clothes away as soon as they were dry. I got to the point where I felt nervous If he did house work or cooked.. because he would imply that he did everything and I did nothing. When honestly most mums know that it’s a 24/7 job, especially with a toddler. I’d pick up and tidy up one thing and then something els needed doing. But I got to the stage where I’d tidy all the toys away if I knew he was about to come over. He’d say ‘can you make sure you do this or that.. or can you do such and such differently next time, and can you start telling the kids to put their things away when they’ve finished… and allot of it would be common sense stuff.. like I know washing smells stale if it’s not dried strait away… so why did I need telling- especially when I am generally on top of that sort of thing. And I do tell the kids to clean up. But If I responded to those things he’d say I was over sensitive and causing an argument. The run up to him leaving was initially started because I’d got sick of feeling picked on and when I came home (he had no job, his own flat but was still living off me) and he’d left the place a mess, I got annoyed saying I was fed up of it being one rule for him and another for me… then he smashed the house up saying he did everything and nothing was ever enough

[Tiffany]

So familiar Starmoon. Mine got into the habit of doing it when I was working part time from home, but got worse once I got a full time job working further away than he did and was out of the house for hours and hours longer than I was. It doesn’t have anything to do with how tidy you are. I once busted a gut tidying the entire house before he got home. I was so exhausted by the effort I then took off my slippers, left them by my bed and lay down. He came in and yelled at me for not putting my slippers away. It’s all about control and no matter how hard you try it will never be good enough because yelling at you and making you feel insecure gives him kicks. It took me ages to figure this out. I am not naturally tidy and I have a chronic illness which makes me tired so I don’t always manage to clean when I want to. The things he wanted me to do were on paper reasonable. Bit the way in which he (I was about to write asked…) told me what and how to do things made me feel stupid and lazy and difficult. It’s so hard to understand that he did this on purpose to control me, even now, but that’s what it boils down to.

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