Feeling like I can’t cope with the children’s behaviour

[weaner]

After a long history of domestic violence, which latterly included against the children, my husband was forced to leave the home and given a restraining order. Fortunately I was able to stay in the family home with our (detail removed by Moderator) primary school aged children. They have witnessed so much abusiveness from my ex, and initially I thought they had avoided picking up any of his behaviours. However now the children, particularly my youngest, is showing so much verbal abusiveness towards me and his siblings, as well as hitting and general defiance. They other (detail removed by Moderator) are bad as well, and it seems that at any one time at least one of them is being like it. In the worse times they are all ganging up on me and I just feel unable to control them. For example, it is impossible to get them to go to the room or stop shouting the same thing over and over. When I try to physically move them to their room they shout “child abuse” at me. Sometimes the little one will shout this even if I go near to him, so I literally have to call one of the other children down from upstairs so that they can see what is going on and that I am not being physically abusive.

I feel like I am a shell of a mother because all that I have had to endure with my ex. I also think I have given them a fairly easy ride for the first few months of our separation because they had also been through so much.

Now it sometimes feels like my husband is still here and I am feeling very sad about it. They have started to see him (detail removed by Moderator) and via video calls and I am really worried that they are going to report to my ex that they are being mistreated and that will be used against me (detail removed by Moderator).

The children are very well behaved at school. I have very limited support from family and friends who are mostly not in the area. I don’t have anyone who could take them for an evening for example. We do have lots of good family time, but they are becoming increasingly more disrespective, abusive and defiant. I feel that I am doing something massively wrong in my parenting and worried that I am just not going to be able to cope with them and that my relationship with the children will be ruined.

I hope somebody can help.

[Eggshells]

Hi

I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time. I can understand your fears and your frustration.

Have you considered talking to the school to see if you can get some help? If you can explain to the safeguarding lead what is happening, you may be able to get a referral to the early intervention team. Many schools will also have access to parenting support who can help you navigate this tricky situation.

[Author]

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