Feeling like I shouldnt be on here today, just need to vent

[Chocolatebunnie]

Just about to have a big (detail removed by moderator) for one of the kids, and he’s actually being reasonably nice. The odd dig but no big moods. Which is unusual as normally he would give us the silent treatment as he cant cope, maybe thats to come? We’ve had long drives for appointments before hours in the car, silent treatment, digs, angry, me looking out the window at passers by, my eyes streaming feeling trapped in the car with him, trying not to let the kids see me crying.

I think his better mood, is partially down to him having (detail removed by moderator), I have spoke with DA support worker about this. She has agreed with all thats happening at home and in my life to just let things go for a bit. But I cant talk to him about it, just dont want to upset things while its ok. I know its wrong, but hes paid for this treatment and he feels he should share it, its the agreement isnt it?

I find I am living a double life, maybe you feel the same. Im not me. I have my morales and views and life expectations but they get put aside and I live in his world the way he wants it to be, just as it is with the medication. If I want it my way I have to be strong, and often moody and distant to make my point and its tiring we are so different and its so hard. I wonder why i then find comfort with him at times and none of it makes sense.

Then I think I shouldnt be on here posting I blame myself, think its all me, that its my mental health, upbringing, that im stressed and cant cope. Am I to blame for the kids mental illness, feel so full of guilt for living a life thats not how it should be.

I dont feel like Im coping at the moment, too many things have been thrown at me. I just dont understand how I carry on and he is happy and not bothered, things dont affect him. However, when i crash he then gets annnoyed so i have to keep plodding along. Im just so tired. I would like to go private for some counselling but its expensive i just cant afford it and Im waiting for treatment through NHS which is taking forever.

I cant see things clearly, feel such a muddle today I guess its the build up with whats going on with our child thats not helping, love them dearly and its taking some of my energy just knowing this is now upon us.

Feel like I should just go back to bed and give up today.

Just needed somewhere to vent, Im sure I will feel better as the day goes by, just need to find my strength again

[Lisa]

Hello Chocolatebunnie,

I just wanted to offer some support on your post, I can really hear how much internal conflict you’re going through at the moment.

It sounds like you’re having to modify yourself so much in order to manage his unpredictable moods and the environment he’s created for you all – it sounds exhausting.

It’s okay to post here, you’re doing the right thing by talking about what you’re going through, it’s good to hear you may have some counselling lined up in the future.
Perhaps there are some low cost counselling services or charities in your area that you could look into? Your local DV service may also be able to sign you up for support groups or counselling.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Stargazing1]

All kinds of things are going through my mind . What are we supposed to think when there is a quiet period. Am I supposed to think I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. Am I supposed to think I’ve been a stupid cow . Am I supposed to think I’ve done the wrong thing by getting in touch with the women’s aid people. Am I to tell myself I’ve got this wrong. Am I supposed to tell myself off for creating a big fuss . I’m losing faith in myself I really don’t know what to think anymore. I get this feeling his hobby is creating him to be happier. Just wait until something doesn’t go his way then the worm might turn again. Can anyone relate to these questions/feelings etc ?

[Happybelle]

Completely relate to all of this.
Have even had conversations with the police this week and have played down a bit things that have happened. My brain often tricks me to think that I’m the problem or maybe I’m being unreasonable or over reacting to things. I definitely am not, but it gets so confusing when things are going well and calmly. Have to ask yourself if they are genuinely calm or are they calm because you are going with their flow (which is as it is in my case). I have a very peaceful time when I’m not pushing back on anything. Then when I set a boundary and the arguing starts again I’m like “… and there it is , he’s back here again” . Feel for you.

[Sogo1234]

I relate to all of this too. It is so exhausting 🙁

It’s so easy to start thinking it wasn’t that bad. I have started speaking to friends about what’s happening because it helps me to see things from an outside perspective..it’s so easy to start downplaying it when they are being nice.

[Stargazing1]

Really feeling sad and I can’t make up my mind about anything. I’m doing my best to keep a stiff upper lip but deep down inside I’m hurting so much . We are on a quiet period which has confused me so much . There are little niggles but no shouting outbursts yet. Then again something has been said what doesn’t impress me very much . Another warped comment. Part of me just wants to be on my own / live on my own . I dreamt last night I’d found myself a new place to live that will be because I’m trying to figure things out . Looking forward to his hobby taking place some time to not have to think about him , run around after him or even listen to him .

[Stargazing1]

Phone call with a Mental health worker to have to deal with not looking forward to the call . My mood is low they won’t get it I know they won’t. Sometimes it’s like banging our head against a brick wall. I’m sorry but unfortunately my other half doesn’t know about the call I’m expecting. I’m not telling him hardly anything these days . Half the time he doesn’t listen anyway .

[Stargazing1]

I just feel really low . Very unhappy 🙁 ☹️. Part of me hates myself for in a way forgiving his behaviour. I would not say I’ve forgiven him I’m acting as though I have though . Being told fists have not been used makes everything OK in his eyes. One blessing is I have my own bedroom. I can’t bare the thoughts of lying next too that all night . He disgusts me . I’ve ranted alot again but unfortunately I’ve no one else to talk too. I’m not speaking to my son again because it gets back so being all alone is difficult.

[Better-days]

Hi stargazing1 I just want to give u the biggest hug. I can relate a lot to what u are saying no fists but the mental torture we go through is herrendous. Always second guessing. I sleep in bed with my son he’s a toddler tho. It suits me my partner has a moan about it now and again but he’s always moaning about something. I hope u have a better day today xx

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @Better-days . Thank you 😊

[CoopCloud]

It’s not you. Abusers have a cycle. Mine goes,

Angry > Love Bombing > Ignoring > Victim > Repeat.

So for example

I had the audacity to go out and see friends. This would lead to,

Angry: Slamming cupboards, raised voices [not always shouting, but very angry sounding], bullying, intimidation [pushing me out the way, telling me I can’t leave, no one will believe me], leaving for work early and coming back late and then being angry I wasn’t staying up until 2am and “spending time” with him,

Love bombing: Talking me out of leaving, telling me we are a family, telling me I’m the problem and need help, that he “cares” about me; bare minimum to show he cares e.g. buys me a packet of crisps I like, texting me that I need to “say sorry” and “you need to say thank you” for him buying crisps/being inconvenient, using sex. In extreme circumstances he’d actually tell me he “loves” me. That’s maybe once a year when I would have bags packed to leave.

Ignoring: Pretending I don’t exist. Cold shoulder. Grunting. Taking over anything I’m doing e.g. hoovering, but not speaking to me and pushing me out the way. I literally do not exist during this time.

Victim: Starts “flinching” when I’m speaking to him normally. Pretends I’ve hit him – this one is incredibly stressful, I’d be making tea or trying to get my tea cup and he would dramatically jump, “sorry, sorry, sorry”. Mind I’ve never hit him, slapped him, nothing, ever. He will tell me how he’s depressed because of me, he has self-harmed in retaliation before [scratches]. Pretends to cry – no actual tears, but it will get my attention as I’ll be worried and go check on him.

And when that doesn’t work, it’s back to angry. In between, it’s like you said, glaring, uncomfortable, snide comments. It leaves you feeling a mess and that you’re the problem – you’re not.

I personally don’t believe many mental health workers are capable of supporting this, because in these cases the negative mental health is a symptom, not the cause. And it’s all good and well telling people to have a “stiff upper lip”, but it doesn’t work that way.

There are services you can speak to, such as SHOUT and Samaritans, or crisis mental health help lines.

When those don’t work, I remind myself I don’t want to leave our children with him. That they can’t protect themselves from him; and maybe I can’t protect them either but I won’t leave them.

Regardless of your relationship with your babies, just remember they need you. I’m not amicable [not really] with my mum but she has helped me in crisis and she helped me get away, in the end. She wasn’t supportive, but she did something – which is more than I got from others. Be there for your babies 💚 one day they’ll need you, and no one else is going to hear them like you will.

I promise you it’s not your fault.

[Stargazing1]

I’m so sorry to hear how things are for you @Coopcloud , these things should never happen. I will never know what goes through their heads . Part of it is like bullying but I know my other half would never admit to being a bully . They do always blame us boosts their ego I suppose. I too have been brought crisps and been expected too be mighty grateful. I really appreciate your kindness and support and time thank you 😊. Just make sure you take care too 💗. Thanks again 😊

[Stargazing1]

I’m trying my best to not cry in front of him . I’m doing this because many many times in past moments I’ve cried in front of him and gone to be consoled by him but I don’t want to be consoled by him anymore . There are many many times I avoid having a cuddle I don’t go out of my way to cuddle him . He’s not really into cuddles alot any way but I am but not with him . When someone hurts us we back away don’t we .

[Stargazing1]

After waiting over approximately 2 weeks I’ve eventually had a call back from the mental health worker. I’ve only talked about my son though and my struggles with him . She is going to perscibe which I’m pleased about . At least I will have something to lean on until the women’s aid gets back too me . I might think I’ve achieved something but in the long run I probably haven’t. I dunno?????

[Stargazing1]

I’ve vented that much I dislike myself now . Not very proud that I’ve vented yet again. Just don’t want to bottle it all up .

[Stargazing1]

I’m probably being a right nuisance understandably so . All I can do is apologise unreservedly for being such a thorn in one’s side . Maybe you can find it in your hearts to forgive me at some point.

[Stargazing1]

I’m hating myself more and more as each minute passes. If I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill I’m going to look pretty stupid but I know how I’ve been made to feel when I’m being shouted at badly . 😢 . I know what I felt like in that car . I know what I felt like when i accidentally knocked over the (detail removed by Moderator) and I know what I’ve felt like in other situations that have been the same. Why am I hating myself so much . I’m trying to be strong not showing any emotion in front of him making hom think I’ve forgiven him but I haven’t.

[Stargazing1]

I’ve got something to do today and I’m not really looking forward too it . I’m going to be in company I don’t really want to be with . This person hasn’t been sleeping very well and I think it’s starting to effect their mood so when this person is in a mood they are in a mood which makes me very uncomfortable. I just hope this mission passes quickly so I can feel a bit more comfortable again.

[Stargazing1]

I feel a storm brewing .

[Stargazing1]

He’s stressed. He’s not happy . We read the signs don’t we .

[Stargazing1]

I’m not feeling very happy today .

[Stargazing1]

Dinner for a few today . Cooking a roast . Tension , Tension and more tension.

[Littlepixie]

I know how you feel. I keep questioning myself. Did I cause this, should I just speak to him (haven’t spoke to him in a few weeks), should I stay because my son will miss him or may choose to live with him which will not only break my heart but I’ll be worried sick. He has been verbally abusive to my son and threatened him on numerous occasions but now is acting Dad of the year.
I constantly feel sick when he’s here & I don’t sleep properly. We’re (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m dreading it. I don’t even feel comfortable being in the same room but I need to make dinner for our son otherwise that’ll be something he’ll say to him. Another reason why I desperately want to stay somewhere else while he’s here but I know he’ll say to our son that I’ve abandoned him. My daughter won’t stay here at all when he’s here so I’m torn between them.
Hope you get through today. Holidays are the worst. I dread Christmas every year xx

[Stargazing1]

I really really don’t like my life .

[Stargazing1]

Tension gets us feeling rubbish can’t it . This life with him is very stressful. I know how angry he would be if he knew I was posting here. At least I have my own bedroom to sleep in . It’s my little peace of heaven being in my own room.

[Stargazing1]

I’m not feeling very happy today 😕.

[Stargazing1]

I’m always pig in the middle between my other half and my son . I don’t get on with any of them very well. It’s a real struggle 😪.

[Stargazing1]

How can they be off with us one moment and then try to be loving the next . 🤔 .

[Stargazing1]

Going to have a nap 😴. Beats sitting in the living room with him .

[Stargazing1]

I wanted to apologise to everyone for not being a good helper . My head is all over the place. I would love to give help to everyone but I’m struggling to comprehend what’s going on here. I’m still awaiting for the women’s aid to get back in touch with me . I really want to talk to them. I’m still awaiting my perscrition so that’s another problem I’m having to deal with. Everything feels a right mess . He’s being OK at present. My head is in a spin . So I apologise unreservedly for being a burden/ nuisance and a rubbish helper.

[Stargazing1]

I feel so terribly sad 😔

[Stargazing1]

I’m in the dog house again. Why do I always mess everything up. Is there any wonder I hate myself.

[Stargazing1]

I was having a bit of a joke . Got accused of playing mind games ????? . I wasn’t playing mind games. I was having a little joke. I can’t win.

[Stargazing1]

Hating myself more and more as each day passes.

[Stargazing1]

I have such alot of self doubt . I contacted doctors about something and I have been allowed a perscription but now I’m starting to wonder if I did the right thing . I haven’t told them about him . I don’t want it on my medical records. I talked about something else which is causing me issues. Now I’ve got my prescription I’m thinking I’ve done something wrong. Hopefully no one besides the medical person and people here and myself will know about the medication but I have so much self doubt thinking I was wrong to talk to them . I only wanted a bit of something to try and help me cope a little better but all I’m doing is cursing myself. If only I had more faith in myself things would be easier but unfortunately I don’t have any faith in myself at all . My sincere apologies for being a wimp I feel like I’m a waste of space. Sorry everyone I’ve no one else to talk too . I apologise unreservedly for everything

[Stargazing1]

I know for sure I’m a burden to him I have been assured of this . I hate thinking I’m a burden. They say the truth hurts .

[Stargazing1]

I’ve started my medication not sure if they are helping or not . Don’t know if I feel better or not . Only a short term dose 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 . I apologise I’m rambling again.

[Stargazing1]

I did have a feeling I had done something wrong by asking the mental health worker for medication. It’s probably back firing now. That’s just typical of me. Pathetic.

[Stargazing1]

My daughter does what she wants and so does my son but they seem to think they have the right to tell me what’s good for me . God they make me sick . I’m feeling so angry towards both of them now. Is there any wonder I would just want to be on my own as far away as possible from anyone within the family unit .

[Stargazing1]

My heart goes out to each and every single one of you here because its so hard to cope with the situations we are in . I hate to think of what each and every single one of you are going through. Not one single person here should have to put up with the awful behaviour of their partner/ husband/ wife etc . These incidents that are occurring are very very upsetting to read and see . I know this is not a rant this time but I just wanted to put into as best words as possible for anyone who wishes to read this especially with it being positive rather than negative. For those who have managed to leave I wish you all the best for the future . Please give yourselves credit for having the strength to get out . Break ups are never easy I’ve been married before and it broke my heart when it ended but looking back now it was a godsend. I wish nothing but the best outcomes for each and every single one of you . If your blaming yourself don’t it’s not you . Lots of people think they are so much better than anyone else but they are not . I really don’t like to think of any of you dealing which such horror. Here’s hoping for better days ahead for all of us because being in these situations is so so hard . Please remember you are stronger than you think . Be kind to yourselves. Take care of yourselves and be kind to yourselves too . Sending GIGANTIC BIG HUGS TO EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. 🤗 . You all deserve nothing but the best in everything 💓.

[nbumblebee]

You need to read this as if someone has said this to you.
You must be as kind to yourself as you are others. You deserve better sweetie and you need to believe that x

[Stargazing1]

Thanks @nbumblebee . I will try.

[Stargazing1]

There has been a big disagreement between my other half and my son . Their voices were raised. I tried to ask for it too stop but it didn’t and my other half stormed off upstairs. My son then went away from the house . I messaged my son to say sorry for what had happened even though it wasn’t me shouting. My son messaged back saying he wants an apology. Not sure if he will get one though. My other half is hardly speaking too me either.

[Stargazing1]

If I hadn’t had kids none of this would be happening. We can’t turn the clock back. I am always pig in the middle. God I hate myself.

[Stargazing1]

What have I done wrong for all this c**p too be happening.

[Stargazing1]

Everything is messy.

[ILoveCats]

I hope your medication is taking the edge off, my antidepressants helped with my anxiety and depression enough to help me carry on functioning but I was exhausted the first couple weeks while it kicked in, I got a dosage increase recently when going through a rough patch.
Please don’t say such awful things about yourself, I know it’s the abuse that makes you feel that way, I don’t know you in person but I do know that nothing bad you’ve said about yourself is true, I read from your posts that you are a wonderful and caring person. I’m sure all of us are but we are made to feel like we’re terrible or to blame, and yet despite our suffering all we want is to try and help other people so they don’t have to feel that crushing despair too.
I hope you will find a way through these dark times to the other side, stay strong
Xx

[Stargazing1]

Feeling quite emotional today.

[Stargazing1]

I think I will struggle until things are resolved.

[Stargazing1]

I know I’m the most stupidest and annoying person here. Unfortunately that’s me . Idiotic etc etc .

[Stargazing1]

I am hating myself more and more .

[Stargazing1]

Got to go to doctors got physical issues too .

[Stargazing1]

I’m fed up with everything. Even though I feel the way I do about my son he’s not been in touch with me since the shouting match between him and my other half. Being as stupid as I am I’ve texted him but I’ve had no responses. He wants my other half to apologise. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. My head is all over the place. I’m putting on a front but it’s hard work. It worries me alot about what could happen when these two meet again. They both have a temper so it never ends well . Why oh why do things have to be so complicated

[Stargazing1]

I don’t want the turmoil anymore.

[Stargazing1]

My son wants to come and see me . Not looking forward to that . I just hope he’s calm .

[Stargazing1]

My son has been and gone . I feel so terribly sad 😔 😟

[Stargazing1]

I don’t get my phone call until next week due to the other half’s work pattern. I just keep thinking I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. I think I’m wrong in everything. I wish I had more confidence but I never have had confidence so I am who I am . I know I keep posting over and over again but when there is no one else to talk to I don’t worry what else to do . I am wondering if I’ve done something wrong though.

[Stargazing1]

I hate myself more and more as each day passes.

[Stargazing1]

What if I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. That’s the question I ask myself over and over again. My head is all over the place. I keep thinking I’m the major problem. I’m the idiot.

[Sogo1234]

You are not the problem. Our brains or abusive partners make us believe this. I hope you are feeling a bit better now. I’m sorry you are going through this x

[Stargazing1]

If he knew I was here he would be very very angry . I would be told I am the one that is wrong and I’m over reacting. I really wish I knew who was right and who was wrong. I keep telling myself I’m wrong due to my mental health issues. If I was a much stronger person then none of this would be occurring. I know I’m stupid.

[Stargazing1]

I’ve spoken to someone today over the phone from the local womens aid but they are not the person who is going to be supporting me . I’ve got to wait even longer for that . I’m one stage closer I suppose.

[Stargazing1]

The person who I spoke too said it is abuse .

[Stargazing1]

I feel like I just want to use him now until the time is right. He’s verbally and emotionally abused me on and off for years and all I want to do now is use him as a crutch until I’m stronger. I know this sounds really bad of me but they don’t change do they .

[Sungirl]

Hi stargazing1 just wanted to show some solidarity, it really is so hard to stay living with these people and keep yourself mentally well. It affects our mental health so much. I never had mental health problems u til the last few years. Well done on calling women’s aid. They do take a while to get back to you but they will do. Don’t feel bad about taking medication if this helps you that that’s what you need to do. Try and focus on doing things for yourself. Try and block them out, have you heard of grey rock?

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @Sungirl , I am so sorry to hear about your mental health. Your right it does effect our mental health a great deal . Sending gentle hugs to you 🤗 ❤️. I will try to focus on myself as best I can . I don’t think I have heard of grey rock . Thank you so much for your kindness and support and time it’s appreciated a great deal. Please keep taking care of yourself. Sending hugs again 🤗.

[Stargazing1]

How do we keep up the pretending . Its hard work keeping up the pretending. There was no apology for my son either. No apology to me a few weeks ago. No apology to my son . My son was shocked that there was no apology. Why do people feel that its ok to behave the way they do ? Why do they never apologise? How can they think it’s OK ?

[Needtoclarify]

Sadly abusers do not have the capacity to consider the feelings of others.

They are wired without empathy and compassion and that is something that cannot change.

The power to choose the narrative of our story, however hard, is always ours and they cannot take that from us. Stay strong mamas, you’re doing great and will get to where you need to be x

[Stargazing1]

@Needtoclarify , I apologise for a late response. I appreciate your kind and understanding ❤️ it really is appreciated.

[Stargazing1]

I’m sorry if I’ve said this before I apologise unreservedly. I’ve been thinking long and hard and I am 100 percent sure that my other half is not at fault it’s me that’s caused all the aggro . I’m a coward who can’t speak and say things for fear of hurting people’s feelings and because of this I’ve caused problems within the relationship so now I know who’s fault it is . It’s mine no one else’s. I’m truly sorry to each and every single one of you. I’m so truly truly sorry.

[swanlake]

Thinking of you Stargazing. I’ve also been told many times that I’m the one with the problem, I’m a bully, I don’t communicate properly etc. For a long time I believed it but I realise now that it’s a common tactic used by abusers to make it hard work to know what the truth is.
How would you feel about doing something to try to help your self esteem? My local women’s centre and local mental health charities both have a drop in some mornings for arts, crafts, self defence etc, maybe there is something similar near to you.

[Stargazing1]

I’ve only just seen this @swanlake my sincere apologies. Thank you for the facts that you have pointed out too me . That’s interesting to know that others experience the same issues. If I’m honest I’m quite introvert I am not very sociable if I’m truly honest with myself. I’m sorry I’m so introvert. If I’m honest I’d like to live further away from where I am but I’ve no idea where to start . My sincere apologies for my weaknesses
. Your kindness means much more than you will ever know ❤️. Thank you.

[Reallyconfused]

Please don’t apologise. I’ve had to train myself to believing that this is my right to exist as me.
I’ve been told by my abuser that I’m a bully and game player, I lie and cheat etc etc. all the things he is actually. This is the game they play. They deflect. They don’t actually believe anything they say. It’s to draw us into an argument and to make themselves feel dominant and in control.
I too have been passive with no voice. But it was taken away from me over time. We don’t even see it happening. So it is not your fault. These people make us feel like we have no power. But in reality we do. We have all the power in the world but it’s our internal voice which stops us believing it. I think reading self esteem books and understanding the manipulation has been so helpful to me. I am not manipulative and had to learn over many years that this is the only way my husband operates. It’s so sad. And the realisation is devastating.
However the real you is still there so keep hope and keep posting. We are all there for each other on this forum and understand.

[Stargazing1]

I’m actually feeling like a real bad person @Reallyconfused . My other half has been in the calm stage for a little bit. There was a few bolshy comments from him the other day . I had a bit of a conversation with my son a few days ago and he said some things sound like gas lighting. God I’m so stupid. I’m sorry my reply seems all over the place . My head is all over the place . I am pleased you found the books and they have been helpful. I’m sorry I’m so full of woe despite being told it is verbal and emotional abuse I’m struggling to get my head around it especially now the period is calm . I keep beating myself up thinking I did something wrong by getting in touch with womens aid . Part of me just wants to blurt it put in front of him but I know that would be wrong . Can you help me understand why I’m feeling so bad about talking too them it’s OK if not . Thank you so much for your kindness and support and time. I appreciate more than you will ever know. Please take care of yourself and please keep yourself safe . Kind regards

[lover of no contact]

Stargazing1,

It’s great you’re keeping posting. It’s so important to get our thoughts and feelings out and use every single support we can. Well done on getting support from Women’s Aid. Dealing with these abusive situations are too much for us on our own.

Just wanted to say I had huge “awful” feelings when I’d speak out honestly my thoughts and feelings when in my abusive marriage. I would drive home from the Al Anon support group where I was speaking honestly about how I felt; and I would be so hard on myself saying I shouldn’t have said what I said etc, etc. Next time I won’t. But the love, understanding and honesty from the other members gently inspired me to be honest. It was my truth. And eventually the guilt and shame about speaking the truth left me.

Someone once said to me it’s something to do with our extreme loyalty we have. Which is a good thing in normal relationships but not when in a relationship with an abuser. My extreme loyalty meant I felt bad speaking out to others. So I can relate to you. But it will pass.

[Stargazing1]

Thank you so much for your support @lover of no contact, I’m very grateful of you kindness and time. What you have posted will hopefully sink into my mind because I’ve been battling with myself so much . Well done on your success in speaking out . Your an absolute diamond 💎. I can’t thank you enough but I am so truly truly grateful 💖. Please take care of yourself. Sending hugs.

[lover of no contact]

“Together we will make it” and “There’s strength in numbers”. are two so true sayings. Keep posting ❤️

[Stargazing1]

@ lover of no contact , it is better when there are people who understand. All the best 👍. Thank you again.

[Stargazing1]

My other half thinks my life with him is the best I’ve had. I’m now feeling guilty for venting .

[Stargazing1]

This person has been married twice before me . They both walked out on him . ???????

[Stargazing1]

Apparently he wants me to buy a vibrator . Unfortunately I don’t like things like that .

[Stargazing1]

Hating myself all over again.

[Stargazing1]

He’s being so nice . Talk about feeling guilty for talking about things here . I feel so foolish. I feel like a fraud. I feel again like I’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill. Can’t make my mind up what to do or think . Perhaps I’ve been to hasty in posting here . Perhaps I’ve been to hasty in telling my local womens aid. Perhaps I should see his side . I don’t even know if posting here was right. It’s all so messy. How come I can’t understand it ? Keep thinking how stupid I’ve been.

[Stargazing1]

I think I’m repeating alot of things . I so sorry for that I truly am . I am actually wondering if I should just forgive and forget what’s occurred. Just accept his behaviour. It’s got to be better than ranting alot .

[Stargazing1]

I’m definitely thinking of forgiving and forgetting. I know it’s only been a short while but he’s being OK. Hating myself alot for posting. Starting to wish I hadn’t posted in the first place now . So very very ashamed of myself. Understandably so . I’m so terribly terribly sorry to everyone I wish I could turn back the clock and looked at things differently before I opened my big mouth. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed about myself. What have I gone and done.

[Stargazing1]

I feel like I’ve betrayed him . I’m a nervous wreck .

[Stargazing1]

He’s started being angry with me again.

[Stargazing1]

He’s angry with me for feeling under the weather.

[Happybelle]

Don’t feel bad for sharing.
The fact he is been nice for a bit does not mean he will remain so and your latest post demonstrates that. How can someone be angry with you for being unwell or under the weather. That’s says it all really. The nice behaviour is just the facade to keep you interested and by their side.

[Stargazing1]

Thank you so much @Happybelle. I really appreciate your kindness and support and time.

[Author]

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