16th April 2021 at 10:29 pm #124876Lookforward5678Participant
My ex has conditions in place to stop him coming near me and my property I just feel like the police saying there’s not enough evidence based on the most recent incidents where I’d had to call the police for numerous incidents Over the course of the year that cps will just throw this out and just think what’s next how much worse it will end up getting and if me and my kids will be safe at all going forward if there’s never any consequences for his abusive behaviour towards me and the impact it’s having on my children constantly seeing and hearing it
18th April 2021 at 9:41 am #124899LifebeginsParticipant
I haven’t posted on here for a while but wanted to show you some support. I was in a similar position (detail removed by Moderator) when no further action was taken after reporting recent abusive behaviour to the police. My ex took that as meaning he was innocent; however the police took an entirely different view. Although they couldn’t proceed with a criminal prosecution, they told me they believed me and that there was sufficient evidence for a civil order where the threshold for burden of proof is lower so I should seek and indeed I got a non-molestation order. I hope this is something you can do too if you already haven’t. If you haven’t, NCDV is a great place to start with getting free help with a non-mol order application. The police also told me although they couldn’t prosecute, to use this opportunity to get away from this man once and for all after years of abuse. This is advice I strongly forward onto you.
I strictly enforce that non-mol order. No contact except through a 3rd party for child contact and through a solicitor for legal issues so there is no reason for him to contact me at all. It’s has been working well and has helped me tremendously to move on and actually take my power back. So far it’s been enough to keep him away as I don’t believe my ex ever thought I would report him and with his victim blaming and protesting his innocence, it would actually prove me right if he breached it. And believe me I would have no hesitation in calling the police should he breach it. I was so so scared when all this was going on initially would he ever leave me alone and I’m still vigilant but it’s got better I think as he knows I mean business and now everyone else knows what he’s been up to too (although his family have condoned and supported his behaviour which I’ve learnt from this forum is par for the course so I don’t let it bother me anymore).
Sometimes the police hands are tied by the current legal system but I would never be where I am now without going to them and they then getting all the external agencies involved to support me.
It’s a really hard thing to do what you’ve done. Probably the hardest thing I had to do on this whole journey so I take my hat off to you. But wow I’m at a completely different place to where I was not that long ago. Take every bit of support you’re offered. Do you have an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate? Not sure how you get one as the police arranged it for me and also the safeguarding team from the Domestic Violence unit at the police came round to my house and installed a panic alarm, checked my security and gave me lots of good advice too. I also have a fabulous counsellor through Women’s Aid which took a little while to arrange but is so worth it. And I also got support from my employer and from my child’s school who arranged counselling for my child.
You are not alone. We are all here for you and there is a lot of support out there for you. The best bit of advice I got was on this forum; now you’ve taken this step, you’re on the roller coaster so you need to fully engage, take all the help offered and seek out more if needed and look forward. So far it’s done me well.
I’m sure there will be others along soon with way more experience than me to offer good advice.
Stay strong 💪 xx
19th April 2021 at 7:28 pm #124942Lookforward5678Participant
Hello , yes the police referred me to a domestic abuse service and I now have a domestic abuse advocate and flows were really good before the recent incidents and I’m currently waiting for bail to end before I can obtain an injunction order. The school and work have been amazing they’ve told me to take as much time as I need and my job will be waiting when I’m ready to come back. His family have continued to support him and even assist him with further abuse before recent conditions were placed. Although he’s not broken his bail conditions I’m constantly on edge and petrified at every car that pulls up even the neighbour thinking he’s back and I physically can’t stop myself from checking . Support has been put into place for my eldest who isn’t his within the school and they’ve constantly said how much better my child is doing and that my child is coming out of there shell and doing lots better, my younger child was sadly watching the entire recent event of abuse. Victim support offered a criminal injury number I was very sceptical about this thinking he would be contacted and hurt me or get someone else too again a friend said they wouldn’t contact him and it could support me and the children in moving home, security measures I would need to feel safer like cctv, locks on the doors , alarms ect. Child contact is a little more difficult due to various abuse he’s committed this year and no trusted third party he has applied for mediation but I await to hear if this will go to court at this point. While there are still many tears and days where I just want to hide away and feel like I will never recover from this I do have days where I feel free and not have to worry about what I wear or what I look like or even how I wear my hair. Until I left I never realised how much he impacted me or how much I changed myself just to feel worthy of his love .
The blame never ends it’s always my fault weather it’s because I have savings I started putting away to leave which I refused to give him and he kicked off to his family and they supported him . Incidents that took place and it was my fault again I worked too much he didn’t have enough free time or because I had surgery and we didn’t have sex that he was frustrated because of this. I don’t worry about his family or there opinions I did at first I didn’t want to be told I was the liar or things were my fault or it was all in my head but I know they will always think what they want and we’ve lived through this and will eventually /hopefully find some way to rebuild and just be able to once again cope with day to day life where every day isn’t scary and you don’t have to look over your shoulder where ever you go or constantly look out for who drives past you avoid areas and roads because there’s someone he knows that might say they’ve seen you ect.
I’m glad to hear your feeling better and things are improving and going forward you can over come this. Im also glad the police have supported you. I’m unsure for myself if this is the case I feel they blame me for not pressing chargers over other events that I’m unreliable or it didn’t happen . They’ve told me there’s no evidence although I requested the email address for this and sent it to my solicitors who are trying to contact them to send in the evidence I have but have had no success with that. The social worker has been contacted to verify the dv in the relationship in order to apply for extended legal aid help when he takes me to court for access if he does at this point .
The support we’ve had has been wonderful and I’ve sought the further help I need for when bail ends on a plan of action of what to do next to keep myself and children safe and I thank all the women on here for all there on going support it’s nice to not feel quite so alone and just be able to let it out without feeling your a burden.
Thank you for listening
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