Feeling Like it’s My Fault and I deserve his anger

[Byzantium]

I’ve posted here a lot In recent months about what’s happened over the last few years. I just wanted to get my thoughts down about something that happened recently. I had been talking to family and when I finished he was really angry with me. He had been ok earlier in the day. He has been really frustrated with me in recent months. Since he let me back into the bedroom because he wants to start a family. He is very frustrated at the lack of sex. He gets very angry and upset which I understand because I know sex makes him feel loved and wanted. I’ve struggled to reconnect since he made me sleep on the floor then spare room for (detail removed by Moderator) months and the comments he makes. In recent months I have had medical issues which have made sex more difficult which really frustrates him a lot. He says it wouldn’t matter if I was having issues if we didn’t want to start a family which I understand but also makes me feel like my value is only in making a baby. That might sound stupid. He gets angry if I don’t follow his advice or opinions on things especially around my health. I work (detail removed by Moderator) jobs over (detail removed by Moderator) days and even on my days off I’m pretty tired a lot. He hasn’t worked for a long time now. He says I should be taking the lead with family planning and sex but I take the lead with financially supporting us, sorting out the cars, issues with the house, insurance, taking care of pets etc. It’s not like I don’t do anything. He said he was concerned that my second job would mean less sex for him but did not say this when I took the job. He said I can’t handle stress very well but I’ve get our house afloat since moving in. He said recently that the only reason our relationship works is because he tolerates my behaviour- something he hasn’t said in a while and it took me by surprise and brought back some of the things he used to say to me. I feel like I’m not good enough and not the person he needs. I feel like a failure. I’m thinking that he does have a point and he is right. Why would he want to put up with a relationship where the sex is pretty much gone. I’m surprised he has stayed this long with me. There must be something wrong with me to not want sex as much as I used to anymore. I never used to be a bit shy but not like this.

[Anonymous]

Red flags!!! This is not normal behaviour. I see these signs in my own abuser. You should really ask yourself if this is someone you want to start a family with. If he can’t even commit to a job then how will he help to support children! Sounds like he’s very comfortable living off you, this isn’t right Byzantuim. He seems like a very selfish person too, that sees his needs greater than anything else. I would totally get rid of this man if it’s safe to do so and he’ll go willingly. He needs you, you don’t need him. Speaking from my own experience, having families with these so called ‘men’ won’t end up with a happy family. You’ll find yourself back on here in a worse predicament than you are already in. He’s totally trying to get full control of you, this is how they start their abuse and it will get worse, especially if you have a child with them. In their eyes that’s complete control and what they aim to have. Xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

I have read your post and there is so much of it that causes alarm, but the one thing that jumped out at me is your following comment:

He said recently that the only reason our relationship works is because he tolerates my behaviour

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but actually, your relationship is not working. Not at all. Not in the slightest. What evidence can you give that this relationship is working? From what you have typed you have given none.

You have been made to sleep on the floor and in another room for (detail removed by Moderator) months? In your own house? That you pay for? And you think that is part of a ‘working relationship’?

You are now ‘allowed’ back in to the main bedroom because he wants to start a family? He wants more sex? What about you? Clearly you don’t want the sex, but do you want to start a family? I really hope not, well not with this man anyway.

What does this man actually bring to the table? You work (detail removed by Moderator) jobs, (detail removed by Moderator) days a week, you provide the home, you’re shattered. Can you actually list any positives or contributions that he makes? His only concerns about your second job was that would mean less sex for him?! Such a thoughtful, caring man!

He wants you to take responsibility for family planning and sex? Well, that is one area that I agree with him. Chastity belt and sexual abstinence will absolutely ensure that you do not have a baby with this parasite and therefore, protect yourself from a further lifetime of misery and slavery with this ‘man’.

From what you have written I see you as a hard working woman who can absolutely provide for yourself and therefore, thrive without a leech that is sucking the very life from you. Please DO NOT contemplate having a baby with this man – ever. A baby will not change things for the better, it will make things worse, much worse. No matter what he tells you, how much he will ‘change’ and ‘help out’ once the baby is born. All empty words. You’ve seen who he is and that’s who he’ll continue to be. Whatever he tells you will be lies to entrap you. Don’t fall for them.

None of this is your fault, you don’t deserve his anger, you don’t deserve to be his slave, his sex slave. What you do deserve is a better life, something you’re never going to get if you stay with him.

You may read this and think “What does she know? She doesn’t know him like I do, she doesn’t know about the nice things he has done in the past?”

When my DA support worker told me all these negative things about my abuser I had exactly the same thoughts. I was actually thinking as she was talking to me “I appreciate everything you are telling me, but to be honest, you’ve never met him, you don’t know him like I do, I am actually considering giving him another chance and getting back with him” but I was polite to her and didn’t say anything.

Within three days of giving my abuser ‘another chance’ my support worker’s words and advice were shouting loud and clear in my head. She didn’t actually need to know him, she was right all along, she’d heard enough evidence from me to know that my man was an abuser and that he’d never change. Everything she predicted he did, everything came true. I took heed of her advice and put the final stop to that relationship. I woke up, I realised the truth. NOTHING was ever going to make our relationship work / be happy / successful. I got out for good.

These men don’t change. The sooner you can accept that and make an exit strategy, the sooner you can live a happy life of your own.

[Camel]

Hello Byzantium

I agree totally with everything Wants To Help has said.

OK, here’s a thought. Imagine you had a beautiful baby girl. Would you cherish her and hope that when she grows up she has a life just like her mummy’s?

What about if you had a beautiful baby boy? Would you wish with all your heart that he grows up to be just like his daddy?

[Beautifulday]

hi Byzantium

I completely agree with the other ladies , please don’t start a family with this abuser you will end up in a worse predicament, and then you will be tied to him for the rest of your life. These men want to trap us he probably wants to start a family because he knows he’ll forever have control. When a relationship is toxic bringing a child into the mix will never ever make it better! This is why I haven’t had any children with my Husband because I had a gut feeling not to, and didn’t want to bring a child into this.

[Whodat]

Hi byzantium. I’ve noticed you have posted 11 times in the last 9 months in the is it abuse category. Yes. Yes it is abuse. All of it. This man doesn’t love or respect you. The “love” he showed you at the beginning wasn’t love he simply ticked you into loving him so he could abuse you. Nothing he does demonstrates love or respect. You kind of ask the same questions over and over and rarely respond to any of the very long responses people give you instead just start a new post asking if it’s abuse. Yes it is. It’s absolute (detail removed by moderator) even contemplating having a child with with this embarrassing excuse for a man, he will simply abuse your child as well. For god sake he makes you sleep in separate room in house which only pay for. Imagine your friend told you that, what would your advice be? We all appreciate how difficult it is to leave but this seems different. I think you need to ask your g.p (detail removed by moderator). Please need the advice everyone is giving you. We have all been in your position and we do understand. Sorry if this seems judgemental it’s just difficult tinwatch you ask the same question over and over and (detail removed by moderator). Our answers will always be yes it’s abuse, no he doesn’t love you, no he doesn’t respect you and no it’s a terrible idea to marry or have children with this loser. Read all your own posts and the responses to them . Really read them and all the answers.

 

[Camel]

I’m not knocking you for your opinion Whodat. You’re entitled to it. But I do find it a little troubling.

Nine months isn’t that long to be posting. And while it may seem that the same question is being asked and the same advice being ignored, none of us can truly see behind the curtains.

We all know the mental fog the abused live in. I’m sure we can also remember those brief moments when the fog clears. Perhaps this is when Byzantium plucks up the courage to post her messages? Just because she doesn’t reply doesn’t mean she’s not reading our posts and slowly coming to realise the situation she is in is unacceptable.

Even women who accept that it’s abuse still return to their abusers on average seven times before leaving for good. We don’t blame the victim, no matter how frustrating it might feel.

I watched a documentary last night where a woman had been murdered by her partner. The mother had told her to stand up to him, not to be afraid of him. A sister had given her shelter in her home and when the abuser had wheedled himself back in she’d sent a message to the victim – don’t come running to me when it goes sour again. Both meant well but their behaviour was ill-judged and showed a complete misunderstanding of how abusers operate.

I would hope that if someone reached out, repeating the same question, I’d be able to bury my own feelings and continue to offer the same quiet support. x

[Camel]

And now I need to backpedal and apologise for being judgemental xx

[Scapegoat]

I agree Camel, well said 👏👏 even when you realise yes it is abuse, at first it makes you feel a little better as you know you’re not going completely mad but after it’s like a heavy weight dragging you down that you know you can never fix or are unsure how you go about getting yourself out of it.
I’ve been married to my abuser for half of my life, I realised a long time ago that it was abuse. But some of me still feels responsible, despite knowing deep down it’s not.
Have I done anything about it yet…no not really. I’ve been to counselling, which made things worse as he hated me going and would kick off so I stopped. I’ve looked at properties to rent but phoned none. I’ve contacted womensaid and have a pile of forms to complete which I don’t dare to do. I’ve posted on here when I feel really low and also like to respond to others messages. I know I have to go, people on here have told me, counsellor told me, people at work have told me but until I find the courage to actually do it, I’m frozen.
It’s lovely to hear the stories of those who’ve managed to escape, who’ve stayed strong and met those difficult times with courage. I have great admiration for them and hope one day I find that courage too.Byzantium keep posting, hopefully you and I will have our moment too one day.💕

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