Feeling like nothing

[Anonymous]

I’ve reached a really tough spot after getting away. I asked for mental health support after being diagnosed with ptsd so I got sent on a course about depression and anxiety. This course encouraged my flashbacks and I’ve been told I can only have trauma counselling after I compete the course.
Changed manager at work and was advised not to tell new manager about my past so I just have to sit there smiling as if I’m not the most destroyed person in the world.
I really hate myself but I’m stuck with no way out because I have to be here for if ex ever shows his true colours to new wife and my lo needs me.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Freedoms,

this sounds like a really tough time, with both the mental health course and the boss. It’s hard when several challenges hit us at the same time and can feel overwhelming.

Who has said you have to do the course, can you let them know about your ptsd flashbacks or speak to the person above them? It seems very insensitive for them to force you to do something that feels terrible unless there is some medical reasoning ie. is the course designed to deliberately trigger flashbacks so that they can be unlodged and healed or something?

Also I am wondering who told you not to tell your new manager as that sounds quite negative? I would have thought that most managers would want to know and have a responsibility to look after your welfare. You are also more likely to do well in the job if you feel understood and supported.

You are definitely not nothing, you are worthy, good kind human who has been through a terrible time and deserves only love. I am sorry to hear that you hate yourself. It sounds very much like the effects of abuse, as abusers deliberately try to make us feel this way. I have struggled with feeling worthless too because of what my ex did, but am finding lots of self care, letting the feelings come up, doing what I enjoy, challenging my negative inner thoughts etc all helps.

What is your self care currently like ie. sleep, food, pampering, exercise you enjoy, hobbies, supportive friendships etc?

[Author]

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