1st January 2021 at 3:19 pm #118880
I often have a daydream of going on a little holiday somewhere where there’s lots of trees, greenery, fields and maybe a little village. In the day dream I’m with my child and sometimes there is a new man there too. I daydream this because one day in the very distant future (I’m talking maybe 10 years time haha) part of me hopes to meet a genuinely decent person. How nice it would be to be respected and share life with a scenery partner. I then come down to earth with a bump and realise that I probably wouldn’t ever trust any man ever again. I Know that women have been through far worse than me and still learn to trust again. Sometimes this can lead to me thinking that the abuse I went through wasn’t really that bad. My ex always used to say “well at least I don’t hit you!!” In arguments. Which is true he has never hit me and I’d never pretend otherwise. I used to point out the fact that he has done other things like spat in my face, tipped me off a chair by pulling it from underneath me and put his hands round my throat, throw things at me or push passed me. But then he’d always say “well you’re not innocent” I feel like a fraud. He never slapped me, punched me, kicked me. I was never beaten black and blue, never had to hide bruises. I was never sexually assaulted. The worst he ever did was say that if I didn’t sleep with him he’d not give me the money I lent him back. I did not sleep with him and eventually he did give me the money back and said that he was just joking. I have started writing everything that happened down so when I feel like I wasn’t abused then I can go back and look at it. His own mother uses terms like “he’s been an idiot” or “he’s made mistakes” to describe the stuff he has done. She’s even said to him that because he didn’t beat me or rape me or make me miscarry my child then he’s not an abuser. I really do try to distance myself from his mother as much as I can. I know she is my daughters Nan but I only speak to her unless I really have to. Sorry if this is triggering and I’m sorry for the rant.
1st January 2021 at 3:47 pm #118884NutkinParticipant
I like your day dream. Mine is really similar, new man interested in the same things enjoying the countryside.
I have a male friend- absolutely nothing more then a friend but he’s made me realise that there are decent men out there and he has a wonderful family who he loves and supports. We can’t go back in time, trusting again will be interesting but I don’t think it has to stay a daydream forever, I’m still believing that’s it’s possible because if it’s not then there’s no point in fighting right now.
My husband says exactly the same- you don’t know how good you have it and I have never hit you, which again is correct. But the daydream is always so much more enjoyable.
I say enjoy the daydream now and when it becomes your reality x
1st January 2021 at 4:12 pm #118888gettingtiredParticipant
It doesn’t matter that he didn’t beat you black and blue. The other physically abusive things he has done to you are disgraceful. The verbal abuse is horrendous too. Personally I find that the worse for me and a lot harder to deal with.
That sounds like a wonderful daydream. I find myself daydreaming a lot too.
I think you will trust again but I’m sure it takes time and healing. Living with the dominator and the freedom programme have a list of red flags/warning signs to watch out for which will be great for when we are away from the abusers and ready to meet mr nice one day in the future. I find it crazy to think they exist sometimes.. I can’t imagine not being called names or sworn at by a partner but apparently that is actually normal!
His Mother is just enabling his nasty behaviour. Mine does the same, it sickens me the way she rallies round and bows down to his abusive behaviour. Ive no doubt in my mind that when I leave him she will send me some nasty messages too. I’d avoid talking about his behaviour to her at all if you can and keep distancing like you said. She will always defend her precious son over you and she knows nothing about abuse.
Take care xx
1st January 2021 at 4:57 pm #118891CirclesParticipant
Stay strong. My daydream is small Italian restaurant with genuine Italian food made by a chef who actually speaks the language. Sharing a bottle of red wine and having some interesting conversation where my opinion is listened to, respected and where the main topic of conversation isn’t sex . I will achieve my Italian meal and you too can achieve your green fields.
1st January 2021 at 4:57 pm #118892CirclesParticipant
My daydream is small Italian restaurant with genuine Italian food made by a chef who actually speaks the language. Sharing a bottle of red wine and having some interesting conversation where my opinion is listened to, respected and where the main topic of conversation isn’t sex . I will achieve my Italian meal and you too can achieve your green fields.
1st January 2021 at 5:18 pm #118893
I love hearing about your day dreams. They can be a comfort or give us a little bit of light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
Yeah his mother a million percent enables his behaviour. Seems like it is a common theme with abusers families unfortunately! It’s shocking really because his mother actually was beaten black and blue by my ex’s real dad (Ex used witnessing the violence as an excuse for his behaviour) so I’d of thought she would of understood and been able to spot the signs. Turns out that because her son isn’t actually hitting me like her husband did to her that she thinks it’s not abuse. Hence her comments to him about him not raping me, beating me or making me miscarry. (All things that her husband did to her) I think this is what makes me doubt that I was even abused because obviously the things her and so so many other women have been through are horrendous. I feel like I’ve been lucky in that his abuse was mainly verbal and emotional. For years and years i thought I could handle it, like a lion tamer if that analogy makes sense. I am half way through reading Living with the dominator and a lot of what’s in there is ringing true with me. It’s heartbreaking to read the scale of abuse that goes on.
3rd January 2021 at 1:59 pm #118996gettingtiredParticipant
I remember a couple of years ago something happened through no fault of my own whilst trying to collect my partner from somewhere as he had been away. I remember sitting in a car park frozen in fear for hours speaking to his Mum on and off not knowing what to do whilst he sent me the most vile abuse and rang me having a massive go at me on and off then hanging up. I didn’t know what to do. I was telling his Mother as I just didn’t know what to do and he was sending her abuse as well. She was annoyed but later after the drama, she text me pointing out he was ‘very tired’. Sickening.
That’s a very old school way of looking at things (his Mother I mean). She is probably from that age where DA was only seen as wife battering.
Yes the physical and sexual abuse some women have endured is horrific but when you think about how much verbal and psychological abuse the abusers get away with because it’s not frowned upon in society so much or understood as well..
I think a lot of women find the verbal/psychological abuse much harder to overcome. It’s not to be underestimated and actually keeps people trapped for years thinking it can’t be that bad because he doesn’t physically hurt me. I hope you’re doing ok xx
3rd January 2021 at 5:33 pm #119011
God what a pitiful excuse she used! All these excuses they come up with are just that. It’s really sad how their mothers enable it. As a mother if that was my son I’d be mortified!
Yeah I think his mum really does see DV as the only form of abuse. The verbal and emotional definitely makes women stay longer because these men always use the excuse of “well at least I’m not hitting you” and their families seem to back them up which definitely validates this for the abusers.
He’s being really difficult today about contact with our daughter. I’m finding it really hard but hoping it will pass.
2nd January 2021 at 5:33 pm #118946NumbnumbParticipant
Your resonates a lot with me too. The daydream , I can see him , I don’t really like what he is wearing 🙂 but he is kind and funny. Also the not believing I could trust any man. I need to write down things he done properly i have a few scraps of scribbles but I want it clearer. One of mines most recent sayings was “there’s worse men than me you know”.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.