Feeling like the bad person

[StrongerTogether]

So! We went to the council to discuss getting our own home (detail removed by moderator), even after I told her I didn’t trust him enough to live alone with him…), and afterwards, he snapped at me for not doing as I was told. The way he spoke to me made me feel so small, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I emailed the housing officer we had the meeting with and told them that he is abusive and I don’t want to move out with him! Don’t get me wrong, they have been brilliant. Told me about our local refuge and would get me in there within a few hours as soon as I ask her to. She’s also discussing with the refuge what other advice they have for me to leave.
But it is tearing me apart knowing that I’m going behind his back now. He’s obviously back to being nice. He is getting so excited about the idea of finally having his own home. He is making plans as a family. (detail removed by moderator) I watch him and our baby play, and it breaks my heart. When he’s not angry, lying, or smoking weed, he is brilliant. But I don’t want our baby growing up thinking that his behaviour is acceptable.
He’s been in trouble with the police as a teenager for violence. The fact he has made verbal threats to me (I’m 99% sure they are just to intimidate me) makes me worry – if they knew about his behaviour, would he get in trouble again?? As well as his partner and daughter leaving him, he could lose everything if the police get involved. He’ll also lose his job when I leave, because he will have no means of transport.
I’ve made the first step to do something about all of this. And I know it is the right thing for me and our baby. But, all I feel is guilt because I’m going to take everything from him. He is going to lose everything in his life.
I know he’s done this to himself. But, how do you deal with this emotion??

I feel like such a horrible, two faced woman right now!

[KIP.]

You are not responsible for him. He is an adult. Perfectly capable of finding his own way to work. Abusers put us in a position where we feel fear, Obligation and guilt. The FOG. Do as the professionals say. Grab this help while it’s on offer. He’s angry, a liar and smokes weed. Those are your words. Don’t allow someone like that around you and your child. Just try to bypass these feelings which are just brainwashing. If you tell him he will do everything to prevent your escape, including violence. Those are his choices. Get yourself out and safe first. Then you can think about everything else x

[StrongerTogether]

Thank you so much! FOG…Yep, that’s exactly it. How do abusive people all follow the same pattern?! I swear my partner isn’t clever enough to be thinking in advance about what he’s doing… I can’t imagine he’s taken the time to plan it all. But it’s all worked out in his favour for years so far!
I know you’re right though…just gotta turn off these emotions somehow!

Have you managed to leave your situation? I feel so stupid because I don’t know how to. I have some brilliant help around me, and a great opportunity to go somewhere safe, but, I just don’t know how to! Can’t tell him I want to leave, so it would have to be whilst he’s out. But if he’s out, he has my car, so I can’t then either! And putting my foot down over my car is one of his triggers, so I don’t really want to stop him!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, I’m glad you’re back in touch. Looking at iut realistically the car is a small price to pay for your peace of mind and freedom from his abusiveness. I too will lose my car as he pays for it, even though I pay the insurance, tax,and fuel and my name’s on the log books. I could maybe afford to pay for the finance but it’s too big an amount if I’m being practical. It’s the sneakiness that’s getting to me but I was given a really good piece of advice recently from @Tiffany, that’s it’s him that’s making me have to behave like this because I fear the consequences. I wouldn’t give it another thought if this was a normal relationship. You have a way out💪 grab it with every fibre of your being. Do what’s right for you and your baby. Smoking w..d is going to escalate his mood swings, paranoia and cause a major drain on YOUR resources.
Good luck, I can’t wait to hear you’re free and in your own place. Don’t let on your going, he will either be extremely nice or become angry and more dangerous.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[StrongerTogether]

Hi IWMB,
Its so nice to hear from you! Your previous messages have been so helpful in getting me to this stage! I cannot thank you enough for that!
Yeah, I guess you’re right – the car is only material belongings. And technically, it’s only my name on it, so if he caused problems then legally I can get it back anyway! It just makes leaving with a baby difficult if I don’t have a car at that point, y’know! And will cause more drama getting it back…urgh!

Funny how your partner has made things difficult for you with the car, too! They must know that a car gives us a freedom they don’t want us to have…! If they can make sure we can’t afford a car without them, we rely on them, don’t we…

Wow, yes, that advice is brilliant. I have never questioned speaking about how I feel in a previous relationship, or even feared the consequences of anything. I guess, with ‘normal people’, you would never fear a consequence of anything. Even if someone didn’t like something, you wouldn’t have to be scared… Wow! That really makes you notice how wrong everything is!

Yep, I think he’s frazzled his brain with everything he smokes! But obviously, in his mind, it’s not a real drug and doesn’t effect him like it does everyone else. He must think he’s Superman’s cousin or something at times! Immune to everything.

Thank you so much!
I will be sure to keep posting, and no matter how long it takes, when me and the little one are finally in our own little home, I will try to help other people see this fear is worth it in the end.

Between us all, these men won’t win. 💪

[Iwantmeback]

Well done SAS, that’s a really positive post you’ve written💪💜

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